HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Stuipid Tuesday

BEEN SLEEPING ALL DAY: reason? A mild sore throat. Boo-hoo! Or maybe it has something to do with the long bank holiday forcing everyone (especially my landlord) to take time off. His not banging in and out of my house all day until 6pm probably made me relax so much I was unconscious.

By the way, regarding the Sound of Music, which I saw half an hour of yesterday before falling asleep I don't remember ever seeing it all the way through ... Although it does hark back to an innocent age that probably never really existed, the music reminds me of my childhood when my Dad had the Sound of Music songbook and used to tinkle out those Rogers & Hammerstein classics on the piano. My favourites being Climb Every Mountain and You are Sixteen Going On Seventeen ... I really had a thing about the second of these when I was about six (going on seven...(!)). I don't know why ...

I saw Mother Hubbard today. She is looking after her friend's daughter who was whizzing up the road on rollerskates. How skates have changed since my day!! The first pair I ever had literally strapped on to my shoes, had four wheels in two groups of two and no stoppers and made a tinny "skashhh-skkashhh" noise as I ambled up the road. Then in the very early 80s at some time my nagging finally paid off and I got roller boots, again in the two sets of two format with stoppers on the front. Me and my brother used to go down the roller disco every other weekend when our Mum had us. The best thing, apart from the disco itself, was that in the canteen they had a video jukebox. I hadn't seen one of these and hadn't seen many since. Bear in mind this was a good fifteen years before MTV ever took off in this country. Being able to (wait until somebody else paid!!) 50p for two tracks, I think it was which was extortion at that time ... wow I felt so pop-culturally privileged and musically immersed ... (so to speak). To put it another way, none of my friends knew the videos but we did so being about 10 and 12 we felt really superior/hip 'n' trendy/in with the bands on the "hit parade". I remember spraying my wheels with WD40 beforehand for extra whizzzz...

Anyway the kids of today skate on four wheels all in a row like roller ice-skates. Whith the stopper at the back ...! I would like to go ice skating one of these days. I have never been in my life, would you believe it, though it was something I always always wanted to do ... Don't know how adept I really would be at skating on knives ...

Must go as I have a chicken kebab getting cold and if I get grease on these keys I might get executed ...

OK I had said kebab. It was way too salty. Why do industrial food manufacturers pour such masses of salt into everything they conjure. E.g. the elephant's leg lamb and chicken doner "thing that he cooks on a glorified gas fire then takes a knife to". We saw a nature program earlier about an Aussie couple called Ron & Valerie Taylor (or something) and their obsession with sharks. They made a chainmail outfit and encouraged and succeeded in getting numerous types of shark to grab Val's arm and attemptedly savage it. When it came to the great white they wisely used a dummy dressed in chainmail (bear in mind that every other big type of shark had done attempted savagery on this chainmail suit and left it undented. Their bites didn't even bruise her arm ...) The great white went nuts on this tethered dummy. They dragged it out of the water. And lo and behold! Said suit was full of bloody great holes!!

3 comments:

Nicole said...

I used to ice skate a lot when I lived in Frankfurt. I'd go about four or five times a week. I got to know the people at the old stadium well, it was outdoors. Sometimes I'd go early so I could just skate on my own between sessions.

I used to have roller skates too and I find ice skating much nicer and possibly easier too. (But you must be a snob about the ice. You can't skate well on shit ice.)

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I'm with nicole. Ice skating is way cooler (no pun intended) than the old roller skates. I haven't tried roller blading though.

In ice skating, you really have to tie the laces extremely tight until it feels like there is no blood flow anymore. When you fall though, you kind of glide and isn't painful as much as you tend to get wet.

Seen that shark documentary you mentioned. Nice couple. Glad they had common sense when trying out the suit against the great white.

Gledwood said...

Hey did you know the river Thames used to freeze through London every year in about 16--something. They used to iceskate all over it with the old strap-on type (ooer, sounds a bit rude!) plus there was a grand fayre and bizarre on the frozen river ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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