HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Horrour Dreamings

JUST SCARED THE LIVING CRAP out of myself by waking from a nightmare speaking in a guttural horror-film voice "we'll dig them out from underneath" ... we were in caves under the world's deepest lake where Princess Diana was buried (??) I was about to bury my friend alive who had severely cheated me into this horrible dank dungeonous lake which was so deep you could fit Mount Everest upside down. Then I was riding the back engine of a train with my legs stuck inside but my entire body outside and a very close tunnel coming up. Eventually I struggled free. Only to to attacking somebody I know with an enormous pair of bolt-cutters. All this sounds farcical but trust me the atmosphere of the dream was dank and dark and horrible. (But farcical as well.) I woke up thinking of a film I saw in the picture-house called Jeepers Creepers or Jeepers Creepers II I don't remember which. Nasty! Ukk. Nightmares. No!

15 comments:

mellowlee said...

Yikes! I hate how a bad dream feeling lingers :O( I always find it quite hard to shake off....luckily I havent had one in a while! XO

Anonymous said...

When you write them down right after the dream they seem to make sense...a couple months later when you read them..it's like "What was I drinking that night???

Puss-in-Boots said...

Don't like bad dreams, the feeling hangs around for ages after I wake up. Fortunately I don't have them often but when I do, they always involve people I love...shudder...bloody awful!

claire said...

hi gled

thanx thanx thanx for your reaction. no i haven't left yet, but leaving on saturday.sorry for writing the blog in dutch, but my head is full of stuff so writing is easier then. i was thinking on starting on centro america, and then fly to bangkok.
but don't know yet.
looking forward to be keeping in touch once in a while. ciao! claire

Peaceful/Paisible said...

what an horrible nightmare...must be hard to get out of it...but I think sometimes help our subconscious to sort things out...may be...
anyway, have a very nice day dear
Mousie

Anonymous said...

What an odd dream - very peculiar indeed. Have you ever had Freudian analysis? The sense of powerlessness and out of control events could be indicative of something... also the supposed connections to the world famous - even if dead.

Edyta said...

omg.. *faints* ick! nightmares!
hope u get better dreams soon!

Kahshe Cottager said...

I hate bad dreams - it usually means something isn't right in my life! I see you are still struggling with whether to take the rehab step. I am thinking it would be a huge and rather anxiety provoking spot for you to be in - maybe it is crossing over into your dreams. I wish you peaceful sleep!

Gledwood said...

Mellowlee: yepp! And I terrified myself by waking self speaking in that horrid guttural throaty voice. Ukk!

Tom: you're right often I can come up with a pretty reasonable (seeming) interpretation just after the event ... dreams fade though, fade bad ...

Puss-in-Boots: Mine don't usually involve loved-ones except in the background. Usually during the worst part I'm on my own (how typical. Just as in life!) ...

Gledwood said...

Claire: as I said the word I picked up on was "morgen" (that does mean tomorrow, right?) ... assumed you were leaving some day before yesterday ... glad you've not gone quite yet ... as I said please stay in touch when you go; I know you can't be in touch every day but once a month or so ... please..?

Mousey: yeah I'm okay now ... did it come over as horrible as it was? I was quite lucky that night to actually remember so much of it... I think the dream had been recurring over a couple of hours. I'm fairly OK. How are you?

Mutleythedog: I've never had dream analysis ... can I get it? If so how? Where? Please tell me!

Gledwood said...

Edyta: To the best of my knowledge I've dreamt nothing since. (And I don't believe in that psychologists' claptrap about you spend X-amount of your time dreaming every night... That means you spend X-amount of time in REM-stage sleep and if woken can recount thoughts you were thinking. They are not to my mind the same as full-blown dreams. So there, psychologists!!

Kahshe Cottager: I think you're right it is anxiety over what to do next ... (although it cannot be literally next week as I've to go through a lengthy form-filling process to get funding/etc ...)

Anonymous said...

What a very intriguing blog and a talented writer. Thanks for the invitation to come here.

Gledwood said...

Jan: glad yer like it!!

Tickersoid said...

I have nightmares about 'Jeepers Creapers'. I've watched the film and hammering on the pay booth, pleading for my money back.

Nicole said...

This would make a great music video Gled!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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