Visceral

THAT'S MY FEAR: cutting into me like scissors snagging my soul. I was thinking earlier. I get told - frequently - that I think too much. Those who say that are wrong. I think when I'm told to think. I think when I'm writing. I don't think when I don't have to. Not about what's important. And I thought just now ... if I go through all that clean thing - I WILL LOSE MY MIND.

Already during detoxes last two times I seemed to spend half my stay in the counselling room. Crying. Being put on antidepressants. Blah-dee-blah etcetera. Everyone says they feel the same as me in there. But they don't. Because if they did THEY WOULD BE CRYING TOO. THEY WOULD BE IN THE COUNSELLING ROOM. But they're not. Which pretty much speaks for itself. THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME AS ME. And what are my problems with feelings? That usually I do not feel them. And the thoughts associated with such feelings. They have gone UNTHOUGHT for far too long.

THINK TOO MUCH? Maybe I do - but most definitely about the wrong things.

But I felt that fear "viscerally" - fantasized of feeling it. And realized. There is only one way of handling fear. Providing it is standing in the way of something worthwhile you must face up to it. That is the only thing you can do. Only thing I have done all my life to fear. Face it. Because then you defeat it. If you can laugh fear down: well, then; metaphorically (sometimes literally) you are laughing !

But then the more familiar feeling swept over me and stayed, snagged across my soul where those scissors cut me. It's like cheap knitting wool and it's bundled my heart in unfathomable knots. Depression. Sinking. Deep. Derealizing. Depression. The Demon of my life. That is so much harder to face than fear because it does another D to everything: DEVALUES it. And you are what you feel. So if you feel you are and everything else is Devalued than Devalued it's become. Whether you try and think round the fact or not. Facts remain. You are what you feel. You feel what you think.

Why are all my circles so vicious?

Better leave it there: said what happened to me just now. Still I feel put down. But fear is losing out. The more I think about rehab and the more scared I become the more ready I accept I am to go there. So fear: you are fighting a losing battle. You may as well give in now. But I know you won't. You'll always be lurking. Nearby. Trying to drive me crazy.

These are feelings. Opiate addicts are expert at avoiding experiencing feelings of any kind. That is what the addiction's all about.

I was surprised when I switched to Subutex (buprenorphine) that my demons did not come accost me all at once the moment I was "clean" (Subutex clean: you're still addicted to that but it's reversed half the heroin-habit. It's an agonist-antagonist to the opiate receptors in the brain. So the addiction is kind of thrown so totally off kilter that the minute you switch onto this stuff you feel clean and cured. Amazing.

But I cannot go on Subutex until I'm down to about 30mg methadone. Which is a long way to go. If and when I do go to inpatient detox I want to switch to Subutex once I am at 30mg. It will make the process of finally coming off so much simpler. In fact, I won't accept any detox that won't do it that way. It's my way or the highway.

I know it's going to be messy with my feelings. This will be the last time I ever try and stop, so if it fails that's me for life. I can feel already how horrible it's going to be. How messy.

Feelings are just feelings. I can't say they can't hurt you though. Feelings are pain - mentally.

(I WAS BEING SARCASTIC/IRONIC WHEN I WROTE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH. OF COURSE FEELINGS CAN HURT YOU. PAIN IS A FEELING!)

And here I must wind up. I leave myself ... drifting along the way ... and I'll leave you with this thought:

Feelings! Who'd have them, eh?