HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Trailing Plants Pot Garden Aquarium Beekeeping (Nonherointaking)Traveller

"SOMEDAY SOON MY TIME WILL COME," I just wrote ("just"? About five hours ago now. But ho-hum...) "I've always known I was special," I bombasted... blah blah. Which is why I'm not posting that guff. But just thought I'd tell you about my contemplative future... I do feel that a time of crossroads and change is approaching. I'm disembarking this runaway train I've been riding for too many years. And getting on a mysterious chugging goods train: destination unknown. Only the driver is munching on Red Leicester and shallots sandwiches (encased in malted granary slices and spread with finest premium "creamery" butter). The old train was just driven by the Grim Reaper's unfriendly brother ghost ...

I keep thinking back to that "meme" I did some weeks ago when I answered my "ideal home"/etc and gave the most unimaginative "I wanna be a billionaire" answers. Blenheim Palace with purple stretch limos parked outside. The image is still emblazoned on my mind... What unimaginative answers. I've been considering what do I really want? Would I truly have to be a multimillionaire to be happy? No! Of course not! All I want is the ability to travel frequently wherever I want in the world. A nice (bare-floored) apartment with roof terrace extensive enough for a few summer barbecues round the extensive trailing pot-garden complete with carp-pond and maybe even some bees in the corner (I've always wanted to keep bees. Lovely furry fliers. Who make honey. They are so cute.) And inside my home I would like a (fairly) large pair of aquaria about 4ft long x 1ft front to back x 2 ft deep. (Click here for an illustration I found quite by accident.) The first would be pinging with tiny fishies like mountain minnows because I want frogs again (those immensely tiny African frogs like last time. Dark green. Never get out of the water (never need to) and smaller than a half an inch long. So cute. My tank would be planted up and landscaped like the fishtank from the cover of the How To Keep Tropical Fish Book. And I would have apple snails and freshwater shrimps like last time. (Bought them as goldfish food and let some live on in hotwater tank. Which they did totally harmlessly for weeks on end ...) And shoals of cardinal tetras and silver dollars which would shimmer under my special nightime moonlight bulbs. The other tank would be stocked up with chichlids (which look like marine coral reef fish - they are so psychedelically gloriously rainbow-coloured) and no plants (they come from a deep lake in Africa with ultra clear waters and barely any plant life) ... just moon rocks. And I might put in some "dinosaur fish" pleckos with them. These are brown with orange spots. Depending on the fish's mood the orange spots become highly prominent or disappear down to little black dots ... true! In my diddyfish tank I will try and get another Borneo Sucker which is a stealth-bomber shaped fish. Like a catfish or loach so flattned down it looks like a ribbon flying about when it does choose to swim. When it does it is the only one I've seen able actually to swim vertically down the bubbles ... they must live in ultra-shallow splashing mountain streams where they hold onto the stones in the rapids and stay camouflaged. My old one, who was called Nubia, could actually change colour from dark browny-green to a light almost sandy colour. Amazing. So that's what I want. Lots of fishies in tanks. As well as super furry animals ...

My terranium by the way thanks for all the feedback but I have to remove the flowering plant at the back for it's literally growing into the glass and just looks squashed up. Chinese hammy didn't eat the plants but took to excavating from under them! Naughty swine! So I've now been able to move the succulent to one side more and have the ivy trailing out the front entrance ... it looks like glass-bubble domesticated bliss ...

Here are some "Hot" clips of the day! ...They're well worth a look I promise and not banal. Except for possibly the very last one::...
Tallest Meets Shortest Man on Earth
Borat Goes Shopping at Walmart
Piano Snacking Furball
(this is a Campbell's hamster clip but I've never seen anything like it. Would easily make it on to "World's Funniest Animals" type show. Have a look. Seriously. Have a look!!)
Winter White Upside Down Wheel Grooming
and last and only for furry friends fun fans:
Campbells Hammy Extended Wheel Squabble


And last of all-ly: as for Pete Doherty (making a lover's plea to Kate Moss via the front page of the Daily Mirror) ... I now feel some sympathy and pity for him (not that I ever used to). But I will post on that tomorrow ...


Gay Goldfish Alliance


***

ANTHONY - Isolated Mind Pain (http://boniosmind.blogspot.com) please can you get in touch! Every time I try and comment now it doesn't let me. Am I missing something out? Doing something wrong? Did you shut down your comments? I'm sure I commented there before. Please tell me ...

***

HERE'S A fascinating blog: 1 Million Love Messages ...

6 comments:

knicksgrl0917 said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

gledwood said...

knicksgrl0917 you never told me about that website. but it is a fascinating advert

Jack's Shack said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I appreciate it.

alina said...

hey there,
thanks for leaving a comment on my website (about Harry Potter ;-)). I had to take a look on your page. Will probably come back from time to time. I was amazed to see the world's tallest and shortest man together. I must put a link to that video! *uuh*
have a great day,
alina

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood