OK. FINALLY IT HAS got to the all-time pits. I am so exhausted, I have so much had enough that all of yesterday and all today up to this point (and that is all I can truthfully of course say) I honestly have not only not "wanted" to use but for most of the time felt so physically repelled by heroin I want to be sick. No more do I ever ever EVER want to be sticking a needle in my left foot, right foot, anywhere else. Finally finally SOMEHOW (how-?? I don't know how I honestly don't) I have come to some sort of turning point. I know I have got there because, as with anything important in life you don't "need" anyone to point it out. You just know.I'm ever so sorry not to have kept in touch. As I said before I don't want to wind people up or make anybody worry about or be sorry for me. I am just utterly exhausted, so bad I had to stop those antidepressants (they were only making it WORSE and actually, might I say CAUSING most if not all of those weird "alcohol"-related effects I tried to describe...) literally last Monday I was hanging onto the walls so as not to fall. I have had had had had had HAD HAD HAD HAD ENOUGH
ps re the drink i don't want to give wrong impressions. those pills really made things a whole lot worse yet still there remains some residual thing, not exhaustion but something that comes with it (when really bad) they call "brain fog". only drink seems to clear this
pps the hamsters are all alive and fine! i barely have seen them as they've all been in a cupboard (not cruelty: they ARE nocturnal burrowing animals so giving them the peace and dark they like can hardly be called cruel even if it is in a way shutting them out) I have to remember constantly to make sure their water supply does not get in any way messed up (so many silly ways this can happen including the bottle just fuzzing up from exceptionally "hard" London water and just breaking) everything's ok in that respect
I don't so much think you are without anything spiritual in your life. Something is still there trying to help you get thru the days and to a point now where you are repulsed by the drug.
ReplyDeleteI have heard alot that certain anti-depressants can be more trouble than what they are prescribed for. Don't know what you are taking or if you'de tried other ones. I actually found the one I took for a little bit years ago successful, Zoloft, to be specific. But again, each person has a different chemistry and reason for needing something or not and if it's made things worse for you then probably best to not take.
Those who stop by here are of course concerned as you have made friends easily thru your blog. You fill it with very interesting things and have a terrific writing style and a good sense of humor. So to lose all that to drugs is just something people wouldn't want if there was anything at all that would help you get out of it.
Glad your babies are good!
Hang in there and know people are thinking of you.
So you're going to do something about it now honey right? Get yourself in rehab? Please?
ReplyDeleteYou've made it to the mountain. The long hike through the valley is complete and it's right in front of you. Now it's time to summit that bitch. Good luck and don't look back.
ReplyDeleteyou are not bankrupted at all, you are approaching a turning point. Be strong........we are all thinking of you xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeletePerhaps you are at, or at least very, very close, to your stepping off point. Many refer to this as hitting bottom but, really, whose to say what is bottom; it just implies judgement and that's no help at all. I prefer calling it the stepping off point.
ReplyDeleteNot to be discouraging but the stepping off point for me was just the beginning of a long, hard journey. I have often said it felt like I had crawled out of a hole only to find myself at the foot of a very large mountain and the place I wanted to be was at the top. Regardless, when your done your done and it becomes a joyful hardship as opposed to the miserable one of addiction. It sounds like you are beginning to find that out.
As always, all my best to you, Gleds,
WS
Good on you Gleds, a turning point is a breakthrough just make sure you navigate the bend. Get help. You can't do this on your own! It won't be a short journey but you're ready to make the first step. Glad the hammies are burrowing . . .You have an amazing virtual support network, now perhaps you need some real people to take your hand and help you through this.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're at a turning point Gledwood :))))
ReplyDeleteHey Gleds, I know you feel like shit but as I'm hoping you'll quit the drugs one day this sounds really positive to me and I hope you'll get through this time well mate.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I hope this is your chance to kick the habit. I can't imagine how terrible you feel right now and what a long way you have to go, but I can imagine your life without drugs and what a great counsellor you'd make for other people one day.
ReplyDeleteStep away . . . as difficult as it is . . .
ReplyDeleteCrystal: the antidepressant was mirtazapine I think it's called Remerol chez vous... the bankruptcy thing is more a rock bottom "can't go on" than a lack of ANYTHING... it's surely almost impossible to have nothing left else 2 people who claim they're "worst off in the world" would say e.g. yeah I'm blind yeah but I've got no legs. I was brought up under a motorway bridge. Yeah but my Dad abused me// and go on and on and on. Everyone has something: always. I'm sure of it!
ReplyDeleteAkelamalu: it's almost impossible to do straight away. But I can go to NA. Especially Mon-Fri. I know where the meetings are from memory Mon-Fri... (weekends I would have to go right into town & I don't know where anyway the weekend's nearly gone now!!) I'm still "OK"...
Molson: my parents' hobby was hiking when I was v little kid. So I'm quite used to mountains...
Anon: I hope I'm not. I still feel v poor tho-!!
Wayward: I'm v reluctant to use phrases like "rock bottom" as I'm not at all sure the bottom IS rocky... more like an infinity of despair...
ReplyDelete... but you managed an entire length of several months clean totally straight in a row without ever turning back. I still don't get how you did that!!!
Baino: I just wish the drugs service was as good as they're "supposed" to be. Because they're really not! They CAN hopefully get me into rehab though. I'm still terrified of just leaving. Nothing has ever kept me in there before and I feel utterly despairing that I won't just get some petulant urge, nurture it and use it as an excuse to just leave and use all over again! That would hardly be an exception to hardwired in-me "rules"...!!
Anon: or an awakening. Turning is surely better than merely waking up. I haven't really turned anywhere yet I'd say I'm walking forward yet looking nearly all the time back over my shoulder!
Vincent: I need some "help"!!
Vincent: I don't know why I put "help" in inverted commas... AARGH see I'm crying out for it!
ReplyDeleteNicole I can just about imagine it without drugs. It's been such a long time though!!
Tuttut: thanks I'll try!