I HELD BACK FROM POSTING THIS. BUT IT'S WRITTEN (2 DAYS AGO on the back of an envelope)... so here goes.
But just to make it a bit more cheerful, here's the first 11th of the BBC's 1992 documentary on the Queen: Elizabeth R.
click here to see the rest...
"Too Much Too Soon"
I'VE ALWAYS SAID (perhaps more to myself than to the world) that what I want when I do ever get a "normal" life together (which could only ever be post-drugs) is to be rich ~ preferably super-rich and live in grand style. Then I realized what I actually want is a place of my own with proper locking doors (unlike my last house but one), separate rooms (unlike my last place which only had separate loo), cooker and fridge-freezer, own (definitely preferably unshared so you don't have to worry about washed garms disappearing) washing machine and preferably bare, uncarpeted floors. Oh: and not ground floor (security).
And all this just fell into my lap!
I will never get a mortgage. The only way I will ever acquire property is by buying it outright ~ and to do that I really will have to write an international bestseller.
But I've always known deep down that possession, being as they say 9/10 of the law, is everything: to put it another way ~ having the use of something is little different from actually owning it.
So now I have possession of my dream home (credit-crunch dream). (Bigger than the 1-bed flats in Ontario Tower I used to rave about...) (have a clickonthat and see what a wonderful building (full concierge service) that is...) and I wonder: is this really for real? Will it last? With all this beautiful fresh bedlinen and matching pots, pans, coffee table and all manner of accoutrements, this feels at last like a proper home. And it's in the place that I love.
I'm terrified it will all get taken away from me, that I'll end up back in one stinking room with no Hoover for the foul carpets. I can't help fearing this is a game and my paranoia's coming back: a big mindgame where every move's bound to goil me into check. And threat is everywhere. Change will only make worse.
I thank God for all the good that has happened. I just want it to be real. When I lost my mind I couldn't tell what was real or a lie. I don't want to lose my mind again; or my home...
Gleds I think you just have to accept that your luck has turned m'dear. You have been given the chance to get your life back - do that and you will keep the dream you are living. Be happy. :)
ReplyDeleteHey Gledwood. I think that the issue at hand is that YOU don't think that you are deserving of this wonderful turn. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and as I keep reiterating, there is a reason why I come back. As far as I can tell, you seem to be an empathetic, smart and kind person that just fell down on his luck. You have made some bad choices, but hell haven't we all - stop beating yourself up about it. Guilt is the greatest weight. You are totally deserving of a nice, comfortable place to live where you can get your thoughts together without the worry of insolent neighbours etc. Believe me, although you don't have much you seem to be leaps and bounds ahead of ALOT of other self important people that can't see beyond what benefits them. Just try and enjoy this and BELIEVE that you deserve it. No one will take it away from you. Cheer up and have a wonderful weekend in your new digs! Oh....and....it's never a bad thing to dream big :)
ReplyDeleteHey Gleds, that Aunty Reeny is a very wise girl. There's no reason why you should lose your digs at all. Keep it clean and tidy, don't give anyone reason to complain and be happy there. And property ownership isn't all it's cracked up to be unless you're filthy rich and don't have a mortgage. It's just another 'thing' that we accumulate. Relish the moment. Write the book!
ReplyDeleteyes, we've all made bad choices and have gone through rough patches, try to stay upbeat and glad about your new place. allow yourself to enjoy it .
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the right thing by giving thanks for your good fortune. Now carry on doing the right thing by accepting it gratefully and believing that you do deserve it. We all deserve good luck, Gleds, and that includes you.
ReplyDeleteCheers.
I'm confused...must go back and re-read. Have you moved? It sounds like it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe what that person (above) said is true - you, like me, don't believe you're truly worthy of anything grand or wonderful. But you are...moreso than most. You are a kind, compassionate, brilliant person. So sit back and enjoy some of rewards of that when you can.
You know how your mom and your bro helped you moving? Obviously they care about you. Could they not be with you when you try to boot the drugs?
ReplyDeleteIf you manage that, you don't need to have these worries anymore and you can truly start that life you want so much.
I would be thrilled and and I hope to see that day.
Thank y'all people. One reason I'm paranoid about getting retransferred is that the council (who technically house me) have failed to produce anything for me to sign. I've only signed forms with the letting agent who works for the council. My licence (not a tenancy) lasts only 24 hours ie technically you can be moved at any time.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest: points taken and thanxx
;->...
Relax and enjoy your new home.
ReplyDeleteJanice~
stopped back to check up on you gled. still using my friend? i'll come back another time and hope you aren't... i care!
ReplyDeletesmiles, bee
JANICE: the new home is FABULOUS, thanxx!!
ReplyDeleteBEE: yes still using. Things are a BIT better though... (sorry to disappoint you but I cannot lie...)
take care¬!
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, Gleds. You won't let yourself lose either again.
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS! You deserve it.
ReplyDelete