HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

BEING AS THERE'S not a lot to say today I'll post about what pudding I ate last night... Now you'd think this was a state secret, for it's not on their website, but the frozen food chain Iceland are doing a yummy caramel apple cheesecake for £2 and boy! ~ is it a cut above the run-of-the-mill cheap-an'-chavvy tucker they usually stock. The photo isn't actually Iceland's own (hey maybe it is a state secret: I feel a Terry Pratchett=style international thriller coming on here). Anyway, unless you're diabetic go out and buy one. If you are diabetic I can't think of a more beautiful way of committing suicide...

Finally I did put pen to paper concerning my Great Novel to be. Being as I have written (attempted) novels before, I can say I know something about the working arrangements that suit me and writing into the dark I absolutely hate. Not that I'm unwilling to improvise, for that's the very stuff of fictional life, but unless I've planned out where my story's going on a pretty blow-by-blow basis I find myself constantly grinding to a halt.

So what I'm doing is dividing my story into about five books. The actual number's immaterial for it's book one that matters now. This I plot out into five or ten chapters. Chapter one I need to note scene by scene what happens, how etc. This isn't my writing out a book in note form first; it's purely meant to be a guide to spur me onwards when I do write it. Not knowing how to say something's is a problem I enjoy deliberating upon; but not knowing what I'm supposed to be saying ~ that really has me stuck and lost. Hence the forward planning. It always worked in the past and shall work again.

"Inspiration" or at least a measure of self-belief and excitement is crucial at this stage. But as Anthony Trollope, I think it was, famously stated: "I only write when I feel inspired. And I make sure inspiration strikes as I sit down to write at nine o'clock every morning!" If you can't push yourself on to work, no matter how discouraged, flat or lost you might feel, you ain't never gonna finish a novel. It's just too much of a gargantuan task to rely on feeling "inspired" every day to get started! Hence my pre-planning. Am I making sense here?

I wish I could tell yous all what I'm writing about, but this is a tale from the past with the bare facts dictated by history, the drama fleshed out by me...

... and now I must begone! For this internet caff's closing. Night-night y'all...

6 comments:

Jeannie said...

I have to confess that years ago, I attempted to write a couple times. Thought I had a good idea and everything - original too. But I was wrong. I'd get about 2 paragraphs in and read it and found it cheesy, trite and boring. I'll bet you can pull out the stops though.

Puss-in-Boots said...

At one of the workshops I attended a couple of years ago, the author taking our class said that writing is one part inspiration to nine parts perspiration...just thought you'd like to know.

Catherine Vibert said...

I am bestowing upon you The Lemonade Award. Please come to my site to pick up your award.

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: you have to pull out the stops and carry on regardless. Also don't read what you put yesterday, just power on till it's finished THEN worry about what's right or not. I only edited back when I was "inspired" otherwise I pushed myself on to finish more more more...

PUSS-IN-BOOTS: your teacher was right ~ that's precisely what I was trying to say

not so much even to preach as to hammer it into my own lax brains...

CATVIBE: cheers! that should add some fizz to the weekend ;->...

Akelamalu said...

Ah, you're writing, that's good! :)

Gledwood said...

oooh aye! no way am I letting this chance slip through my fingers... NO WAY!!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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