MISERY MISERY MISERY. Yes yes. I'm depressed out of my mind. Craving crack out of my mind. And no I didn't do the obvious to trigger said craving (which is weird, considering I've not had a single pipe/hit or anything else containing any sort of coke this YEAR)... But all last night, after a dealer gave me a free hit of heroin and has been pressing on me the fact (but not a free bag) of crack cocaine. I could go on and on about this but really don't have the energy to repeat my own boringly circuitous personal mental ramblings...I long to be straight yet I cannot imagine a life without drugs. Or to put it another way, yes I can imagine that life, but I cannot imagine being happy. Heroin is the only thing that has made life bearable. It gives life value. And it's been like this for years.
I know many of you are sitting there wanting to headbutt the computer with rage saying CAN'T YOU SEE: IT'S HEROIN THAT BROUGHT YOU THIS MISERY AND HEROIN KEEPS YOU HERE.
Yes I have some understanding of this; but I know I don't see it the way you do. I can't do. I know I can't. I'm like a horse in blinkers ~ knowing it is blinkered yet comfortable to stay that way.
To put it more directly: I am just a cowardly junkie without the courage to get clean.
From time to time I get flashes of what it must feel like to be clean. That is to feel things, to smell things. To live in a world of vivid associations and full colour.
But here, behind my bulletproof-glassed existence, nothing's left to feel. Just the sense of so much lost that I will never grasp back. Not just because I'm too scared (and I am) but because the experience of recapturing lost territory just feels so overwhelmingly meaningless, bleak and deathly-tiring, it hardly ever feels worthwhile...
VIDEO OF THE DAY: THIS IS CLASSIC.
I only heard about it from today's Sun newspaper report...
The actual fish-catching (a dolphin-sized fish bigger than him!) happens around 1 min 30 into this clip ...
MARLIN IMPALES WOMAN'S BREAST IMPLANT!!
Utterly bizarre and yet seemingly true...
6 Degrees Of Association
Still haven't found anyone I know though I only did about 3 or 4 hops today.
Now I find myself in "organizing your life" and "decluttering" blogland
e.g. http://overcomingbusy.com
and
http://www.organizingyourway.net
and
http://lifestylesoftheorganized.com ~ Lifestyles of the Organized
Creative solutions to help you organize your space, time, and money in today’s hectic world
I think your fear is what addiction is all about. Way back when I smoked, even though I hated smoking, the thought of giving it up and never having another cigarette - that huge chasm of life without a cigarette - would throw me into a panic. Looking back, it seems ludicrous because once you are without it and free of the craving, you wonder how you could have held on to something so bad that NEVER lived up to the satisfaction that you expected when you used it.
ReplyDeleteIt takes time to get past.
o yeah you got it! definitely it's about fear and being too ***** to face up to it!!
ReplyDeletei do remember being in the past-addicted state, when I'd given up on a relatively minor scale before, and would look back to the supposed black hole that was inside me then and see how remarkably it had closed up. and how painlessly, too.
i think a lot of the pain i feel now, or fear, is of expectation, rather than a reality... spot on there Jeannie
The secret of giving up any addiction (I used to smoke)is actually wanting to give it up. Until that feeling is the overwhelming one you can't succeed. :(
ReplyDeletewELL I HAVE DECIDED TO BE FAR MORE PROACTIVE IN MY APPROACH
ReplyDeleteYOU'RE RIGHT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP HEROIN BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT BEING ALIVE WITHOUT IT
BUT CRACK MADE LIFE PRETTY MEANINGLESS WHILE I WAS ON IT SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THAT ONE
in fact that's why i post so very little about crack. it's a crap drug, crappy with so very little to say about it...
Nice to meet you. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I don't know how far you read, but you may have noticed a lot of the feel-good stuff comes from my background in AA/Al-Anon. I have spent my whole life around alcoholics and addicts, and have dabbled myself.
ReplyDeleteI have learned a lot. I know that nothing will change until you hit the bottom and if you are still with us, look up and say "G*d, help me." And then you will do whatever it takes to stay clean. One day at a time.
Until then, I wish you love and luck, and I hope you find what you are searching for.
THANK YOU
ReplyDeleteTO BE UTTERLY FRANK I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THAT IS LIFE OR DEATH
BUT LIFE IS THE MORE ACCEPTED DESIRE TO HAVE ~ DON'T YOU THINK SO?
i felt the same way about booze. How in the hell could I live without it? But like Karissa stated, I hit a bottom and it was a choice I had to make. Life or Death. I chose life.
ReplyDeletedon't feel too bad... I gave in last night. though crack i don't get... i found it a horrible cruel drug. i'd much rather have coke but can't have that without b to smooth the edges after (i get panic attacks after a while, heart pounding, stop the ride i wanna get off!).
ReplyDeleteyou can only take one day at a time. obviously the further you get away from it the easier it gets. but i do understand the thought of giving it up forever is scary esp when you relied on it for so many reasons. forever is too scary to think about, just think about now.
i'm in no position to judge. the fact is i think i'm a better, more pleasant person on it but i realise a lot of that is to please other people and meet their demands and expectations.
speaking of which better get back to work, waiting to feel worse so can have my sub.
take care
xk
QUEENEE: the stupid thing is I've hit rock bottom lots of times. I asked is this rock bottom? where you feel you just cannot go on like this a single second more? and everyone says yes.
ReplyDeleteThen there's the other issue about loving the drugs MORE and the balance of adoration. It's that second thing that's not yet swung over with me. God knows I want it to!
KELLY: o yeah I know where you're coming from with that. Some years ago when crack was a pretty occasional thing I used to smoke pipes, get "prang" almost straight away and end up injecting "B" just to get rid of that crack-horribleness!
I gotta admit I was really confused when I saw that you had linked to me at Organizing Your Way, but I love the idea of the 6 degrees of separation experiment. I bet you do come across a lot of really interesting blogs by doing that!
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to let you know, as cliche as it sounds, that I'm sincerely praying for you as you battle your addictions. My step-dad has been clean for 21 years now (as of St. Patrick's Day – ha!), but I know we still don't take the "recovering" part of his recovery for granted. It's a long and hard road, no doubt, but I hope and pray you find people along the way who can help you as you travel it.
Oh, oops, I used an old, irrelevant login for that last comment!
ReplyDeletehaving played with morphine WAY too much, i know exactly where you are coming from. its frustrating and frustratingly comfortable.
ReplyDelete