Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Boo-Hoo... I'm Scared!

FEAR. YES! FEAR AND SHEER TERROR!! It's the lifeblood of addiction. If we weren't so terrified by the sheer looming drop into the seeming void of life without drugs ~ trust me, addicts to heroin, crack, drink and any other head-in-the-sand substance would tend to show far more willing to give it up.

Perhaps I ought to scrawl out several pages of deep psychological reasons WHY all this? Why why why?

On the face of it (from an outsider's point of view) heroin addiction, for example, seems very straightforward. You just stop taking the drug, feel a bit fluey for three days and then you're fine, right?

Well that's not right. As anyone who's had the flu, which is pretty much anyone, can tell you, however horrible you feel it's a pretty self-contained condition cushioned by sleep.

Opiate withdrawal is anything but "contained". You become fretful, hyperactive. Typically you don't sleep at all for days on end. It feels nothing at all like flu, though an unempathetic doctor may fixate on certain similarities, like feverishness, sweating, running eyes and nose, etc. But the actual experience of "cold turkey" is nothing like flu at all.

Another myth: it is not over in three days. It takes about a week to be over the physical syndrome, but residual anxiety and insomnia take a month or more to pass. This is far outside the junkie's 24-hour scope of survival, so of course it feels like an eternity and they can't cope.

The deeper you get into addiction the more you lose certain strengths and skills the rest of the population take for granted. The attention span is fractured. Sleep gets scattered all over the place. Food is utterly unpalatable without heroin. But crack causes extreme anorexia ~ so somebody on both will barely eat at all.

Heroin kills pain, both phsysical and mental. It's the strongest painkiller there is ~ as is testified by the fact that in the handful of countries where it is licensed for medicinal use (including Britain), it's the analgesic of choice in terminal cancer and other dire conditions. In the beginning, once initial distractions like nausea and skin-itching are pushed to the side, heroin flushes its users full of sensation and enchantment. By this point the experimenter will typically have tried pretty much everything else going, but in comparison to these substances, the effects of heroin feel totally natural and not forced. Heroin is a deceptive beast.

As time marches on and use of the drug becomes constant and relentless the enchantment fades to dust and all you know is that taking heroin feels far better than going sick without it and quite a lot nicer than methadone. And so continues a twilight state of living that can go on for decades. Nothing is really done or achieved. Periodic crises are averted with great effort. But most of life feels too great a task to take on. Heroin, once a great antidepressant, now leaves you in a continuous state of low grade misery.

So what's stopping me or anyone from taking that final leap into the dark?...

SHEER TERROR!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY ~ DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AD
This was considered too strong for British TV, even after nine pm:





I know this is a corny choice of song, but it's what came to mind... When this came out I thought "bloody hell ~ same look, same sound; do something new, Lilly"... but I really like this ~~

LILLY ALLEN: FEAR

16 comments:

  1. I think fear makes us and keeps us from doing all sorts of things. I understand completely - even though I'm not an alcoholic, I like a drink and to think about NEVER having another one makes me want one NOW. The same with food and dieting. The same when I did smoke. It's very difficult to work up the courage to finally decide and 5 times harder to actually follow through for the amount of time necessary to have your body adjust and then to fight your mind after that. I think that's why rehab may be helpful - you are voluntarily putting others in charge so you can't back out.

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  2. The only drug I've ever given up is tobacco and that was hard. I can't imagine what it's like taking other drugs daily for years but I think giving anything up is down to just how much you want to do it. Basically it's up to you isn't it? If you want it bad enough and get the help you need you will do it. I hope you do m'dear. x

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  3. Catching up.

    Bashful died?! I'm sorry. Poor you.

    I love gregorian chants.

    digital radio is groovy. Radio 7 I like.

    Fear is there to be defeated. you can do it, gledwood. We believe in you.

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  4. Poor Bashful and poor you, Gleds. Fear is a terrible thing that can literally root us to the ground. But you WILL beat it, Gleds.

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  5. There are days when the fears are behind me and I'm moving forward. And then there are other times that it makes me crazy. Luckily I have more days without the fear than with.

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  6. Thanks for the comments. =]
    If I may be completely honest with you I think you should consider getting help from a recovered addict and share this.

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  7. You have such a way with words - you hit the nail right on the head.

    I am harsh jealous of your ability to express just what you mean without mincing words. You are truly gifted - I really hope you write a book.

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  8. D'you know Gleds, your very graphic description of being on drugs and coming off them would have given me the heebie jeebies about taking them, if I was so inclined. As I'm not, I'm really glad of that fact.

    That Keira Knightley ad against domestic violence was shown here and I just happened to be up and watching the tv at that time. It made my blood curdle. Unfortunately, there's too much of it...read my current post.

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  9. If only it was possible to wave a magic wand over you Gleds and swap your drug addiction to one of konditorei.

    Fear's a funny thing, it can keep us safe from potential dangerous situations (so long as we run the other way) or it can hold us back from moving forward when we don't have enough faith in ourselves*!*

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  10. They say you only need to face up to a fear ~ well and truly ~ to defeat it. And this is true, SO LONG AS THE FEAR IS GROUNDLESS. Once I tried to face up to my fear of going back into education, having been sick, pushed myself too hard (nobody else was pushing me) and pushed myself into a breakdown.

    Now I have learned to look a little more closely at what the fear is OF.

    Having said that, addicts are of course terrified of the unknown, as we all are. It's just that for them the "unknown" tends to constitute ordinary life!!

    I never drew the connexion between Keira Knightley, domestic violence and drug addiction but there IS a parallel. The drug hurts you, you keep going back. It makes you feel better for a while...

    Yes I would love to write a book. Only I'm too tizzyheaded at the moment to get it done...

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  11. Gledwood I'm with Annie, it's so difficult. I fight with a few demons but nothing as obsessive as heroin. The thing is you can get help. I doesn't have to be a painful ordeal or so I've heard (and I've told you about my relative). But it isn't an 'easy' path. I've often said to my kids that if I was ever diagnosed with a terminal disease, I'd try it . .nothing to lose etc. but it's the FEAR that stops me for now. Please, you should be more fearful of taking it than giving it up. We're barracking for you down under . . have a go at rehab . .proper medicated rehab that minimises the pain . . .we're very fond of you . .really! And that book . .if you're not tizzyheaded you have the skill and experience to write a blockbuster . .really!

    Faith friend

    Helen

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  12. If you had a terminal illness they might well give it you in hospital anyhow... did you ever see the Aussie film about a 40 or 50 something woman dying of cancer with several grown up children. She goes a bit wild with her slightly wayward sons, zooming around in opentop cars, swigging out of the morphine bottle (they all do)... as her son reads aloud from a Jaquie Kennedy biography..? It's quite good.

    I haven't given up on the book idea at all. It's slightly gone to sleep...

    Unfortunately it always felt that the bridges crossed on the way "down" were a bit irrevocable, that I would never be the same again. Somehow that makes trekking back so much harder ...

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  13. The film:

    It's called Soft Fruit ~ (1999)...

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  14. Hi Gledwood,

    I'm a new follower of your blog so I thought I'd post a comment by way of an introduction.

    Many years ago I too was a heroin addict. I was on it for six years but have now been clean for 11. I achieved that by leaving my life behind (for 'life' read 'existence') and moving to a city where I only knew one person who put me up. I went cold turkey on his sofa. No methadone, no counselling or rehab, I just did my own programme.

    I echo your sentiment 'feel a bit fluey then you're fine.' Nope! After the physical shit, when you think it should get easier, that's when it starts getting really hard. You start to think 'I've got rid of the habit, I can have a bag now. Just have a dabble.' Let's be clear.....there is no such thing as a dabble. You dabble before you get the habit, but not afterwards. Anyway, I'm digressing.......before I got into smack I vaguely remember having problems. Then I got on the gear and I thought that was my only problem. I thought if I got off the smack I'd be fine. How wrong I was. Cos when I did, all those problems I'd forgotten I had came back. I had to deal with them, and that's hard.
    Reality hits you in the face and makes you realise why you decided to be a heroin addict.....cos let's face it, life is hard. I think your fear is fear of reality.....am I right?

    Anyway, I'm gonna leave you now. If you're interested in finding out a little more then check out http://junkiesvoice.blogspot.com/

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