NOT ENOUGH TIME ~ and far too many things to do in it!I am very annoyed with "Maple Syrup", my drugs "worker" for nagging at me to go daily antidrug seminars. It's not that EVERY single day there's one she thinks I ought to attend. But two or three times a week there are "relevant" ones on. And she appears to assume I'm doing nothing better so I HAVE to go.
I don't see why I should make excuses for being busy in my OWN LIFE. So I never explain to her why I miss them. Often the reason is I was doing something essential e.g. signing residency documents for where I live now at the council.
I am learning two foreign languages and those alone have me exhausted. Ploughing through that German novel, dictionary in hand, I think: just two more pages. Two more means one more hour. And yet I have to do it. My comprehension has risen from about 90% to over 95% so I know I'm doing something right. Spanish I play on the CDs round and round and yell out the answers: Una cocha para diez dias por favor! et cetera! And Spherical, who I try to address in Spanish thinks I have gone even crazier than before and squeals back to me in her chipmunk tones: ¡Déjame en paz! What do you think that means?
I am also permanently exhausted half the time. This being a medically diagnosed problem they call Chronic Fatigue Syndrome crossed with depression (you see, nobody knows what anything REALLY is... I have symptoms of something like hepatitis C or Lyme disease... though my last hep C test came out totally negative. And I also got tested for other bloodbourne viruses: Hep A, hep B, HIV and syphillis. All negative (thank God).
And of course my crash-course in sobriety (so to speak) has crashed into a wall. And I'm still using. Just a little less obsessively than before. And (somehow) eyeing that goal of CLEAN AND SOBER a little more closely. It seems a little more achievable, despite my having failed yet again to get there.
Am I any nearer? Am I better equipped to reach that sought-after "place"? Am I simply bouncily turgid because more full of bull**** than ever before?
ONLY TIME WILL TELL...
Keep your tests negative and yourself positive.
ReplyDeleteSobiety is very elusive. I'm not convinced that I want it but might lose my script if I was honest and said for the time being I want maintenance not long-term detox.
All you can do is take one day at a time. At least you're reducing. I tend to go on then come off, take a break (for my finances and to bring tolerance back down again ££). Then back on again for a few days and so on. I had managed to stick with my script for a year but those were happier and more fullfilled times. I had a career, lived in a swanky apartment, loads of hobbies, loads of pals. All that helps cos I at the time I saw using as a threat to all the good things I had.
I'm not so happy now and no I'm not sitting on my arse feeling sorry for myself. I am doing something about it but in this climate (recession) I'm really doing it all against the odds. I despise those fat cat bankers. They're still ok. Maybe just lost one of their villas or extra car.
You can only take one day at a time were everything is concerned. Try not to worry about the things that are out of your hands.
As regards drug worker, can't you tell her that you're job-hunting. That takes up a great deal of time. Although saying that, when I was on benefits I seemed to spend all my time filling forms etc that I didn't have much time to look for jobs - it was a full-time job being unemployed and surviving on their flimsy payouts.
xK
I hope that you can get off the junk totally. I'm impressed with the language skills. Good for you. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteWell learning two languages is very positive Gleds. Hope you eventually manage to be as positive about getting off drugs m'dear. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Gleds ... maybe Maple Syrup is going to be the one to get you through - we all need a little nagging sometimes*!*
ReplyDeleteHi Gled,
ReplyDeleteKeep trying to get off the stuff. I imagine that it'll get worse before it'll get better, that's why so many fail.
But you don't seem like a failure to me, not with learning two languages. That's tough and your doing it. Kudos to you.
Like someone posted; "take one day at a time," or failing that one moment at a time. All we have is this one moment anyway, so make the most of it.
Take care,
Janice~
Oh Gleds stop making excuses. You should go to these seminar things. Even if they're not relevant, they keep you focussed. Seriously! You can't possibly be THAT busy. Build your other activities around your anti-drug seminars. You know you can, you just don't want to.
ReplyDeleteVERY BRIEFLY:
ReplyDeleteKELLY: AYE I totally agree, thanks. PS did you email me? I couldn't find one. If you tell me your email I'll email you off mine then finally we have the: c o n n e x i o n ! !
SYD: thanks and cheers
AKELAMALU: aye! ta!
BIMBIMBIE: she's very clever... v clever indeed!
JANICE: I'm trying to do all that wise stuff... not always successfully. Hmmm...
%-/...
BAINO: no it's not the business it's the compulsion to spill I resent... know what I mean?
Hopefully I'll get INDIVIDUAL counselling soon...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh, got a minor claim to fame and might get published too!
ReplyDeleteI you want to know more you have to email me. Like I said, I'll be deleting that comment to keep the undesirables, racist and anti-drug fascists away.
x Kelly-le-belly
(oh, the '-le-belly' tag on end of my name is cos up until last year, I was a semi-pro belly dancer, working in the evenings in restaurants. Loved it. Need to train back into it again).
PS. You're Great!
Sorry hun I didn't realise they were open your heart kind of things!
ReplyDeleteHey Gleds,
ReplyDeleteI deleted my comment with the email address so I hope you got it - I didn't get an email from you yesterday. I didn't want undesirables to get hold of me so had to delete it.
Hope I didn't freak you out by saying 'You're Great'. You put yourself down a lot and apart from being a nice person you also have a lot of skills and talent, more than the average person. I wasn't just saying it to be nice, it's just true whether you like it or not.
Anyway, about Christiane F. I've got the film (not dubbed, I couldn't bear that). I really want the book but it seems to be out of print and I've seen it sold for daft amounts of money!
Here are excerpts from the book. Enter the site then click on the numbers on the right hand side for whatever chapter you want to read:
http://winonacentral.tripod.com/unrelated/christiane-f/home-e.html
As you can speak German why don't you check out 'Stern' - who ran the original article on her.
Here's a link to a story about her last year:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/germany/0,1518,571323,00.html
Here's photos of the REAL Christiane (too many are of the film):
http://christiane.hurz.at/chrispics.html
xKelly
THE book is probably out of print in English. I looked for it in German and it seemed to be churned out year on year. It was a huge hit out there.
ReplyDeleteThanks v much for those links. I never have time to find stuff like that...
Can we try the email thing tomorrow. I will try and get on tomorrow morning between 9 and 11. And also probably later on. But I'll definitely be on the earlier time.
Aparently you can give out an email address something like this "freddyflintstone at bahoo.com" replace b with y then it confounds the spammers. Also the lack of at sign confounds them.
!