I SAW A NUTNUT DOCTOR. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He read the long, convoluted (& contradictory) history of all the things that have happened to me, all the things I have done...
He said giving out meds is probably not going to be the best line of treatment (hurrah! because I wouldn't take them anyway!!)
Then he said all these problems are probably down to some personality warping of mine (of course he didn't use the word warping)... I was wondering what on earth he meant....
Then my mind turned to Mr Man (the one who gave me the mephedrone) who chucked himself in front of a tube train some months ago. This man, I suspect, probably "presented" (as they like to say) in quite a similar way to me. Ie he was able to put on a convincing act of happiness, or at least personability (he was very personable and likeable) ~ while at the same time taking meds (in the end) for bipolar disorder.
Now his diagnosis was not "bipolar" at all, but borderline personality disorder and what did stick in my mind was that he said that he thought I had this thing as well.
The "borderline" of borderline personality disorder refers to a supposed border (in 1950s thinking) between "neurosis" and "psychosis". People who have this condition tend to be very neurotic, but are apt to flip over into (usually brief) psychotic states in times of extreme stress or crisis...
So I wonder, in trepidational fear, whether this is what the nutnut doctor had in mind.
I certainly hope not!
If anyone wants to read so-called diagnostic criteria of this "condition" you can click on the wikipedia link I gave earlier... I couldn't help but notice "impulsivity" was given as a hallmark feature ~ I would say no I'm not impulsive at all. Quite the opposite. But substance abuse counts as one mark against and binge eating/starving as another 2 marks and I've done all 3. And I never told Dr Nutnut (or the nurse who wrote the report) anything about the food...
Also this condition/diagnosis is not mutually exclusive ~ ie you can have it and 1, 2 3 or more other nutty conditions... isn't life wonderful??!?
Counselling Directory's borderline symptoms roundup
Well, if there is a diagnosis, then hopefully through therapy, the issues can be addressed. Maybe it really will come down to getting coping skills and having behavior modification. I don't know, but the diagnosis sounds like a good start to feeling better.
ReplyDeleteI am with Syd. I hope the diagnosis is the beginning to your being well and feeling better.
ReplyDeleteLove you lots, Gledds.
SB
Syd: he never actually said the word "borderline", but did stay stuck on the idea of "personality" and when I asked how/whether I could change things he spoke along the lines of: "personality traits aren't set in stone, but they are fairly ingrained by adulthood and so it would take quite some doing"Hmmmm!
ReplyDeleteSB: I hope so but it's not a diagnosis yet and even if it were, not a particularly flattering one (if any psychiatric diagnosis can be flattering) AT ALL...!
Well whatever he calls it I hope he can do something about it. x
ReplyDeleteI dunno, Gleds. I reckon a lot of those things that they use as criteria to give people labels are in us all to one degree or another. My friend, whose son is Asperger (part of the autism spectrum) and I were talking about that very thing the other day...and came to the conclusion that the none of us, with all our quirks and idiosyncracies, would qualify as 100% sane.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I hope that they can help you with whatever they diagnose you as...
I was thinking something similar to what Puss-in-boots said...
ReplyDeletebut either way, I hope this will be the beginning of something which is positive for you
AKELAMALU maybe it has to be ME who does something... well I will. Even if the doctor can't I bloody will, just to spite them all. I have changed my personality more than anyone I know over 20 years and that's a fact. Nothing's to stop me changing it a lot far further!!
ReplyDeletePUSSINBOOTS, LETTUCE I agree and I disagree with the doctor that depression is a permanent personality trait. I don't feel depressed today!
The other thing he seemed to be hinting at was that I might not have a depressive personality but a warped one that put me at constant odds with the world... but who cares?
I'd resist the temptation to let him or you put your depression into a particular box. Not all neuroses can be pinpointed as one particular disease. You may well have an underlying condition but you're also an addict and who knows what the drugs and medication do to your way of thinking . . .you did a good thing at least visiting the pscyh. Try to have an open mind Gled. Sometimes you parcel yourself before anyone else has a chance to really get to know you. Be open and honest. I'm very happy that you're getting help. Don't quit!
ReplyDelete