I was sweating so bad earlier on that my hair was running with water. I had to keep wiping my "reading glasses" (I need to wear 'em all the time but vanity STILL makes me pretend in certain situations that they're only for reading) yeah anyway these stupid glasses, which I only wear because I had a psychotic breakdown (nothing but outright paranoid psychosis could disturb the balance of my mind enough to make glasses-wearing seem acceptable)... What am I saying? These glasses, they were basically so splashed with my own sweat at one point I couldn't see through them! I had to run in the shower to cool down. I'm next to a constant fan but it's a fan heater with heat off, so as fans go it has a power of about 1/10.Well this is a load of blah, innit?
I feel miserable as sin. I am constantly knocking back alcoholic "cocktails" in the form of the cheap and nasty white cyder British street drinkers usually opt for, mixed with tropical juice, which results in a rough home-made alcopop. It's quite nice actually.
My body feels ill. Constant diarrhoea. Diarrhoea is said to be a sign of inner turmoil (don't cackle!) I mean it's sposed to be a be a form of crying.It's strange, with all my years wishing I was dead and manifold examples I could give that would make your hair stand on end of things I have done, not so much directly suicidal though I have tried to top myself. I woke in a white haze thinking "wow, is this what it's like to be dead?" then I realized I was freezing cold and very wet, wearing about 20 layers of clothes and the white infinity was nothing more special than the side of my bath!
Yes I tried to drug myself and drown and I floated!
Well after years of all this, and frankly believing that suicide was a way of doing the world a favour, I have finally seen the chaos it leaves behind.Which, to be frank, has started to make me feel a bit suicidal.
O how can I write stuff like this? I always knew my blog was the saddest placed on the bloggosphere but new depths of self-indulgence are being plumbed. Does anyone really wanna hear this? Is anyone interested?
I wish I could say my life has hit some kind of turning point but it never will. A Muslim Fundamentalist outside the public library once told me that if you do yourself in by stabbing yourself, you'll spend all eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife (and I thought God was "merciful") but hey. Hearing this just made me clear that if I ever did do myself in I should use soporific drugs plus a big shot of heroin to put the final boot in. An eternity ODing on heroin I could just about deal with.
When I was younger I wanted so much to live. Even when depressed I didn't genuinely want to die, not most of the time, which is why depression hurt so much. In recent years I hit a far worse state because I literally gave up on life in just about every conceivable way. I was a shambling wreck, a shadow where a person used to be.
My family seemed to think this was some great tragedy but they love me. (I don't know why.) I once read something in a cod-psychology book, that stated that the depressed tend to fall into two categories. Those who feel unloved, and those who feel unlovable. Well that is me ~ the second one. And if you're reading this blog and you still wonder what makes me tick it is that statement.
My counsellor keeps banging on about low self esteem. Well why the hell should I esteem myself? And what is this crap that tells us we're all inherently wonderful people. Most people are selfish, shallow, egotistical, hedonistic, impatient, disrespectful... need I go on. Actually I was talking about myself there. The old chestnut about three fingers pointing back, that's one of the truest aphorisms (is that what they're called) sayings. Yeah. It's one of the truest sayings I've ever heard.The only two bits of news that have brought me any genuine joy in the past decade were:
1: Earth to be hit by giant asteroid and all life wiped out. (Yipee!)
2: Jesus Christ returning soon.
I think if I have to go for Jesus or an asteroid it has to be Jesus.
REVELATION 21
3 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
5 ¶ And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful...
21 And the twelve gates were twelve pearls; every several gate was of one pearl: and the street of the city was pure gold, as it were transparent glass.
22 ¶ And I saw no temple therein: for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are the temple of it.
23 And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof.
24 And the nations of them which are saved shall walk in the light of it: and the kings of the earth do bring their glory and honour into it.
25 And the gates of it shall not be shut at all by day: for there shall be no night there...
1 And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
2 In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.
3 And there shall be no more curse: but the throne of God and of the Lamb shall be in it; and his servants shall serve him:
4 and they shall see his face; and his name shall be in their foreheads.
5 And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever.
I wanna take a dip in this river of life. And obviously I would like to see those famous Pearly Gates. Also I could do with a nibble on one of those leaves.
If anyone needs healing, I do.
20 ¶ He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly: Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
21 ¶ The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.
Oh, don't go for Jesus Gledwood, that's where the real pay-back begins. Also, there's a price to pay for happy endings, and I don't ever want to pay that price.
ReplyDeletehave you ever asked yourself "why you've never killed yourself?" You should. You've had more opportunity than most. 5 ten poun baggies in a spoon and you've got an economy ticket out of here. It's very, very easy. It means a lot that you're still here, and says a lot. i'm not a great believer in mental illness, but will not go into that here. The world wants you to be sick; if you're sick, it's not. But enough of that crap, lol!
i've left you a nice long comment over at mine. maybe you've seen it, but if not it's under the Horsley post.
all My Thoughts Shane.
ps: Yes, your blog titles perfect... we're not all eyeball snatchers.
It should be cooler and fresher in London later today and maybe you will even have a little rain too! Hopefully this will help you to feel more comfortable and lift your spirits, Gleds.
ReplyDeleteThose verses in Revelation are some of the most encouraging and good to bring to mind when you are feeling down. Hope you feel better very soon. Take good care of yourself.
Shane: I think the sickest thing is believing you are sick.
ReplyDeleteThanks for replying to my rantings and railings I will be over in a sec to see what you said...
Mizpeh: we could do with a good thunderstorm. Unless I get struck by lightning...
We had a few days last week where temps were hovering around 100F. Bleh. Thank goodness for air-conditioning!
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to say about the rest of it.
You are here for a reason. Hang in there to get thru the times that are really difficult. Most of us do have issues with one thing or another. You are no better or worse than anyone else. We're all just having different experiences.
I hope that you will be with us for a long time. If you feel unlovable, well I can't do anything about that. But can tell you that I think that there are many who would miss you and would be sad if you were to die. There have been enough suicides in my life lately. I'm tired of that. Stick around to see how the final chapter ends. Life is a good book I think.
ReplyDeleteCrystal: aye you're right. 100F. That sounds highly inconvenient!
ReplyDeleteSyd: it's interesting you say that one of the only things that's kept me going sometimes is a fascination to see what might happen next as the saying goes when you're down lowest the only way is up...
Wow, I didn't figure you for the kind who would present us with Bible verses! I mean, I'm into it. I've read it a couple times in its entirety, and would also prefer Jesus to the asteroid :)
ReplyDeleteParts of the U.S. are also embroiled (ha! emphasis on BROIL) in heat waves and storms and more heat/humidity. I love the hotness irrationally, but I do understand that it's downright insufferable to most. Like the cold is to me. Hope it lets up for you!
You ask whether anyone reads and is interested in your words, etc.? c'mon, man! I've been reading your blog for ages!!! I adore it, and am always inspired by your talents, by you! Perhaps you have an incorrect perception of yourself in some ways?
..Thinking of you, Gleds...
I've never read the Bible all the way through: I have read quite a lot though. I can go months without reading a word.
ReplyDeleteI bet it is the EASTERN United States getting the heat, yeah?
It's hard to tell when you're writing something how boring it is. I know my blog degenerated for months at a time into furry animal talk. I'm trying to keep it real now. (And I haven't got any furry anials to talk about :-(
Hi Gled,
ReplyDeleteI think I may have found the film you're looking for. Have a look at these links. The third one is a YouTube trailer.
Something else to think about.... Perhaps your depression, suicidal feelings is not down to emotional/psychological reasons but mabye a chemical imbalance. For most of my life I have suffered and then about 8 years ago, my doctor tried me on a tablet called Fluoxetine. It was found that my condition was due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, as is the case with many people. I need to take one of these tablets every day and, if I stop taking them I will revert to my previous condition. Going on Fluoxetine was one of the best things that happened to me.... otherwise I may not be here today, who knows. After reading your post I wanted to mention this, because it made all the difference to me.
Here's the links to the film. I hope it's what you were looking for. In case you want more information, I typed 'German sisters film' into Google.
http://www.hatii.arts.gla.ac.uk/MultimediaStudentProjects/00-01/9706339h/project/html/German%20Sisters.htm
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082081/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjCYE18UVhQ
I hope what I am writing here will make some sense and even better if it could be helpful. You said,"Most people are selfish, shallow, egotistical, hedonistic, impatient, disrespectful...". Indeed, that is absolutely true. Why then should you be any better than them? When you put yourself down over that, you are implying that you should be better than that. It's a backhanded way to feed our ego. No, we are no better. We are all equally ugly. The bible says for all have sinned. Some deal with it by accepting indeed embracing their unloveableness and live for themselves only. For the others, the answer is in meeting those who love us in spite of ourselves and be redeemed by that love in the humility of realising we don't deserve it but also not looking a gift horse in the mouth. These could be your family's love for you, Gleds. I also believe, meeting Jesus is another way of reaching this place cause Jesus claimed to have died for us while we were yet sinners and His enemy because of His love for us. There is a line from a song that says, " i can risk loving you cause the one who knows me best loves me more." and that is in spite of what He knows about us.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog because you do keep it real.
I'll take the asteroid, man. Laugh.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, even though you may not feel lovable.
SB
Lesley: If I need chemicals, I'm afraid it's probably going to have to be mood-stabilizer rather than antidepressant (or both: Elizabeth Wurtzel author of Prozac Nation was depressive and needed lithium on top of Prozac). I have had such trouble with antidepressants. In the past they have made me high and the last time on them was so bad, with hallucinations and a crash into depression so bad I could barely function at all, I'm terrified to repeat it. But I AM getting an appointment with a specialist psychiatrist who will test me for personality disorders as well as all other psych conditions. I don't think I have a personality disorder, but I said I'd go for the assessment (why not?) Whatever the pathway out of all this it doesn't seem to me clear. I had health problems BEFORE heroin, so it's not just a case of giving up and all shall be hunky dory. Unfortunately. Many thanks for your comment.
ReplyDelete& thanks for the links :-)
IGSquirrel that's a v interesting answer :-)
SB Asteroid??!? Come on!
I nearly had a blazing row with an ex-friend over my joyful remarks at that asteroid story. "But what about my grandchildren who will never get the chance to live?" (And be selfish and miserable and go round wrecking lives, if they're anything like the rest of humanity.) Better never to have lived, breathed, thought or been thought of. That was my opinion then..!
hopefully its cooler now and your feeling a little happier about yourself x
ReplyDeleteIt's quarter to eight in the morning, I slept for hours and hours and feel "restored" - thanks
ReplyDeleteHey! Sorry, i've been gone for a few days.
ReplyDeleteIt's the same here. The heat wave continues. It has been going on since last week, with every day over 30°C. Mostly 33°C. Today was 34°C in Graz. The worst is, it's not cooling down anymore over night. It won't go below 20°C and the air humidity is at 90% constantly :( It's so awful, i can't take this any longer. But they say it will go on like that the whole week and maybe the next week too.
It looked like a thunderstorm was coming today in the afternoon. But the clouds vanished without even a single rain drop. Then the same happened an hour ago. Still no rain. Not even a tiny breeze. Still sunny and hot.
I bought a fan yesterday and have it constantly running next to me. It helps as long as i have it running. Have to turn if off everytime i have a smoke though. Otherwise the ashes would get blown all over my desk...
But i still wish i had air condition! That damn heat wave is all over Europe it seems.
Oh, btw i'm interested in everything you write ;)
Gled,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to every word written in this blog. Although I think you are much better than me. Your blog is much better than mine, and your much more interesting. Your a better writer, and have many more followers.
I wish I would have read this one the day it was written. It seems everyone reads your blog. Everyone comments on your blog. I'm jealous.
Its hard to have self esteem. The fingers pointing back at yourself. When you something you dislike in somebody else its usually something you don't like about yourself. I always worry about that. I hate people who talk to much about themselves. I write about myself a lot, but I don't talk about myself a lot. I don't even talk a lot. Yet I worry because I hate it when people do that, that I do it.
I have no self esteem. We should make a club. Only people with no self esteem can join.