What have I done since Monday?Used B+. That is, benzoated B (real B + benzos). Really yummmy, it has to be said. By favourite cocktail. Intravenous heroin + mystical sedatives.
These sedatives, I should add are NOT pills emptied into the B. Benzo pills have stuff in them that turns the resulting concoction into a viscous gloop. This stuff is probably added in Afghanistan, produced in Turkmenistan, Tajikistan/wherever, and added NEAT.
I'm can't say too much, far too woozy.
Well I've well and truly fallen off the waggon.
Eastenders is blaring in the distance. The dealer won't be by until this is finished.
I had a couple of goes at my groin earlier but was over-cautious (too far from the dangerous artery). So got noting.Sticking the needle in there wasn't as nasty as I'd imagined. Going in my groing was always a bridge too far, before.
Sorry to disappoint my friends. This is how I feel. Nihilistic. Sad (yes of course). And yet true.Why can I not be like a n ordinary member of society. One who contributes more than he scrounges.
As for "scrounging". My American friend Pascal told me straight: if you were American, you'd be shacked up under a bridge now. And I know he's right. No question.
So this is it for today.
Take care, everyone.
We all want to feel good buddy. We all just go about it a different way.
ReplyDeleteI'm not disappointed mate. I know you're trying. I hope you'll sleep well tonight and feel better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
V.
Just to cheer you up there's a Marianne Faithfull film on BBC2 this evening (Friday), ten to midnight, Irina Palm.
ReplyDeleteThere'll always be days like this but in between, some brighter days.
ReplyDeleteI know that life is tough and you got to be tougher than it.
Wishing you very well.
Hey I'm on gabber with a 23 year old smoker. WTF. You're doing the groin. What's left? Man you pull at my heart strings. Yes I'm disappointed but not surprised, never surprised. Love you anyway. Email me please.
ReplyDeleteI am wishing better times for you.
ReplyDeleteOh well as the first of the Reiki Precepts says
ReplyDelete"Just for today..."
Try again tomorrow eh Gleds?
Well...Gledwood. You are a very useful member of junky society!!!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of testing my pee...just to see what it is that I've been buying...!
BTW Reiki. Invented for addicts or what?
That quote sounds like something I say when quitting....did the japanese have opium?
Anyway,
Love to all
XxxXxx
i fell off too, but nothing i great up hetre yet...how is there? good or is it the benzos that your happy with? lol take care glen...good times ahead xx
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteHappy You're Happy Gledwood!
I've always had a thing for Benzo's.
I didn't know You could get what you're talking about, sounds interesting!
I have always said that I won't go in My Groin, Have not been there yet...
Have a Good One,
CJ
JEANNIE: precisely
ReplyDeleteVINCE: TShould be trying harder though. So should the clininc
SKIDADDLE: saw it, Brilliant! Cheers ;-)
TAFETTA: tougher than heroin is a TALL, tall order!
BAINO: never got it in there, so far,,,, so cautious and it's DANGEROUS to hit the wrong bit, hence the extreme caution. I'll email tomorrow. Exhausted. Love you too. And thanks for everything
SYD: thanks Syd. Sorry to you and everyone I don't go visiting as much as I should. I'm utterly bushed. Really really tired like you would not believe. Please don't take it personally I really do appreciate your comments
AKELAMALU: aye. Have you ever had reiki through the head, front to back? That's just like drugs. Amazing! Dunno what it does, but I felt it STRONG!
LADY ANON: opium was a Chinese more than Japanee thing. There's a link under "international drugs info" how Japan got rid of heorin 100% (ish) in 1972. Prostitutes tied to beds by pimps forced to detox. It's a way of doing it. But downers never been a bit part of Japanese culture. They're more into uppers. Ever seen Japanese girls on ecstasy? Hilarious/cute!!
ALICE: benzoated gear. Definitely B, but benzos 2. Tested my wee. No Valium/etc 2 weeks, yet benzo positive ~ says it all ;-)
CJ: I don't want to go in my groin. Never got the vein. But sticking needle in there nowhere near as horrible as imagined. I DO NOT RECOEMMEND ANYONE TRY THIS IT'S SHEER DESPERATION. I AM A DESPERATE, DESPERATE JUNKIE. I make no bones about the fact. I have it bad. People saw that right from word go. Nasty bueinsss.
TAKE CARE EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND IF YOU CAN. IF IT CAN'T BE GREAT MAY IT BE TOLERABLE ;-)
:
JEANNIE ~ PRECISELY.
ReplyDeleteYEAH I KNOW I'VE ANSWERED THESE BEFORE BUT I WANNA SPEAK AGAIN
VINCE all this claptrap about people "fighting heroin" is bullshit. For the greater part of their using, addicts willingly use and love it. The fighting comes only at the very end when life is utterly intolerable and death is the preferred option
SKIDADDLE great name btw. I saw Marianne wasn't she a great actress. Far far better than expected. Why don't Eastenders give her a part she'd be fantastic as a "cultured" gangster
TAFFETA wise words, but am I ever truly tougher? I don't know. I won't be childish and say what's on my mind. Nihilistic thoughts today.
BAINO I looked closely into what to do. Know people who've gone so much they have holes deep enough to stick a finger in. I always said that was a bridge too far but I just do not care any more. The sooner my end comes the better. Sad but true. I never hit my groin as I was too cautious about the artery that's right next to it and the siatic nerve the other side. Sticking a whacking blue needle in didn't hurt anything like as much as imagined, so that's the way foward, for better or worse. I'm guilty for telling you this because you love me. But wuld you love me more if I lied to you? So fucking difficult. I just need a hug. Or a doggie to hug. Not some bitch nagging in my ear. A lovely furry golden doggie who loves me unconditionally. I've had it with people. If I wanted sex that much I'd go and whore myself for money. At least I'd get free gear into the bargain. Probably too old, but it's all in the techique, as you know.
I can't believe I'm chattering on like this, My poor family. Sorry.
Now you see how far I've fallen.
I feel more desperate than I have in a v long while. Haven't paid rent for 6 weeks. If they chuck me out it's minus 5. Hopefully hypothermia will kill me. My landlord the council can get fucked. Heroin comes first, always will. If that clinic gave the proper shit I'd not be in this mess. I'd never use on top of a diamorph script. Certainly never swap or sell. I might be crazy but I'm not crazy enough to swap food of the gods for crappy Afghan brown. No no no. So Bains to go on. You've been a real friend. Not many of THEM about as well you know. I just wish I could be a frieind to you when you needed it
SYD a forlorn hope but thank you
AKELAMALU is that really reiki? When they forced it through my head, front to back, it was like gear or crack, some dstrong crack. You've been a true friend too. i'm just sorry I've exasperated you. And been so childish.If I coul say what I was thiinking now how it would seem childish beyond words and a sad cry for help
LADY ANON Lady, where have you gone? What happened 2u? Are you OK. PLEASE GET IN TOUCH: EMAIL..Bushed out by work? please email me, likewise CJ PLEASE EMAIL TOO: hammynutter@lycos.com pls NB my trackrecord with email is not good, even my own family have been caused great offence. If you send something and it seems not 2 get thru, please SEND A COMMENT telling me to check carefully and I will look closely through all my 100s of spam and 2 friends
Reiki has nothing to do with addiction. It's a traditional ancient Japanese remedy. I don'tknow about healing, but it certainly makes u feel good. Acupuncture might be better, re-aligns those haywire NRGcentres all over!
CJ CJ please get back to me i WANT TO TALK TO YOU. GOTTA GO. BENZOATED GEAR CANING MY BRAIN.
PEACE LOVE UNITY RESPECT TO ALL.
bet this full of spelling mistakes and rudely leaves at least one person out. i don't play favourites id i don't answer you it's usually v late and i'm seriously tired. i'm on sickness benefit for good reason i find it really hard somtimes please respect this people. Many thanks, all