SO ANOTHER NIGHT WITH NO SLEEP. Just found out a good one. The more pacing around I do, the higher I feel. Really brings me up. So no more lying in bed knowing I won't fucking sleep for me!! Ukh. Still in hallucinatory state if that is the expression. Psychiatrists and their mumbojumbo can all go to hell. When I get to see one, which I will ensure hapens Monday I will give the fucker the hardest time possible. In fact the way I feel I might actually top meself before I get in there.
O my mind my head is just racing around and will not stop. Is this sanity??
The bullshit the idiot at the nuthouse spouted at me was true gobshite. That £5 crack could in any way be responsible for this. Message for other lost mental health fuckers: get real. If people have symptoms PREDATING drug use by decades, going back to childhood (depression) and otherness (20s) that was technically after I'd tried a lot of things but if that makes me undiagnosable then so is about another 50% of the population my age.
At my worst I was feeling so fucking desperate I will not go into detail. It will only upset people \i care about. Just fucking crazy shit. Out of my brains. Stuff that gets people in the papers. Ukh. How can that even cross my mind.
And why did people tell me about being horribly sexually abused? As children and adults (raped/etc). All this stuff is stuck in my head and oozing out. Not good.
Dont go t taking this rant too literally i'm just sleep deprived. how on earth it is possible to feel so good/bad at the same time i do not understand but i do ho ho ho.
free father xmas drugs. i'm demanding a piss test on monday. that i do myself. they can do what they like with their bit. drink it if they like. probably would the perverts.
fucking idiot mental health drug workers why do i even have to think about such a corrupt system? that gives no choice and cares not one jot for how people actually feel.
i have gone past wanting heroin. but lots of people haven't. so give them heroin. put an end to all the crazy madness right now. just shut up and do it. and make it easy to get on and off. don't give it to a tiny select few or they'll never wanna come off it, because they will think they will never get it back.
just use some basic common sense for once and maybe actually listen to what someone who has been there has to say instead of relying on frankly unsympathetic/cruel observations from 1940s medical books.
ok rant over. had to rant about something. spinning in every direciton possible. free drugs. i'm convinced i got somehow spiked with crack now fucking high has a kite!!! for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't get too envious you crazy fuckers out there. i was seriously suicidal not much longer than 2 hours ago
look i gotta go. know i probably shouldn't post this but what the fuck
i'm ok and don't worry about me.
no heroin!
no heroin!
never planning on ever taking it again
hey i just ate something for the 1st time in God knows how long. was seriously starting to feel nauseated from lack of food, which made me not want to eat. and there was black hair growing out the side of the can, i ate it cold out the can, tinned soup. not in mood for cooking of any kind. my eyes hurt
i don't feel as bad as i did at the worst of it maybe i am finally coming down
all i want to do is sleep, i have not slept AT ALL since ... whenever it was
345 still awake. how is this even possible
ReplyDeletewhat time is it in wisconsin central time usa. -6 i think cannot do maths at tthis hour
i'm going there
might as well.
ReplyDeletefound out moving about made it far worse, really set me off
went down the road then a pair of police cars parked together lights flashing blazing into my brains unreal
this is all on nothing, you know
that was doing my head in earlier
now i just don't care
free entertainment!
ps thanks for other message coral reef did read it but lacking patience to type into phone sorry
ReplyDeletegot it bad, i know. i wanted to email you but wasn't sure how/what address etc, i know i should know it. it's just v v late and no sleep
speak later. btw if you did speak to me i don't think id sound as fruitloops as i might do in print
no idea what's wrong with me
something must be
this is just not what happens on heroin-methadone only transfer.
never heard of it happening to anyone else
seriously annoyed with mental health profession and drug workers
haven't a clue what they're dealing with, seriously
"It takes time dear!" A well worn phrase in AA around my are from a lady I sadly never met she died, sober, many years ago. But her memory lives on.
ReplyDeleteStep 1 - Get off the shit you are taking, whatever it is.
Step 2 - Stay off!
Step 3 - Try to get some peace and serenity in your life and head so that you can cope with it all...
Sounds easy.... bloody hell!!! I remember the last dark days of drinking the standing on the cliff wanting to jump but couldn't.
BTW - NA comes from AA basis - history is fascinating if you look into it
Can't do a damn thing to help of course, but I am here thinking of you. Best wishes and love from Zoë xx
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling a bit better..hoping you are asleep right now...
ReplyDelete...Just hang on by the tips of your fingers...
Mental health people don't know you personally so they need to ask about drug use....for some people...that IS the reason they're seeing things!!
But I agree its lazy thinking...& they don't even have the excuse that they're on gear! (well maybe some of them....)
I need to eat something too..this gear's not strong enought to actually make me want food....And its COLD outside where all the shops are!
Do you have people around? Sometimes its helpful to have conversation..if only to help you organize your thoughts!!
Keep posting though...& we'll keep commenting in this wierd virtual space!
XxXxXx
ps Gillian McKeith is a TV nutritionist...she seems to be EVERYWHERE I look
I am SERIOUSLY worried about you :(
ReplyDeleteYou remind me of a bounce back figure, or a cat, half dead and then still alive ! Listen to yourself, the good Gled, not the bad one !
ReplyDeleteDrugs will never be legalized ! Imagine the whole economic system in the world would break down. Prisons would be closed, wardens jobless, dealers jobless have to become parfum salesmen, the film industry would have no subject anymore and half of the police would not be needed anymore ! etc etc.
And no suspense for the druggies, if you can buy your stuff at Tesco !
Sounds like it's getting a little manic up in here at least to a casual observer from another dimension. Me thinks this drought is doing you no good Gledwood; no good at all. Try and keep it under Mach 0.8 if you can. We don't want the wings to fall off. You'll know your going too fast when you feel the control stick start to shake.
ReplyDeleteHi Gleds, good to know the urge to sleep and eat is beginning to kick in for you - don't miss seeing the dr on Monday though*!*
ReplyDeleteI'm going clinic 2morrow. really at end of teather to do with something someone said, probably not meaning to set me off, but have done
ReplyDeletereally really fuking had enough enough
don't worry i won't do heroin
not making any promises re anything else ~ train, fire, window etc had it fucking had it had it had had had it it it it
Hi gledwood, spent the whole night from 1am-5am reading yr blog and the 800+ responses to what some called the heroin draught, funny no smack blowing under my door frame, backwards on a phone. Great stuff! Hope you don't buy any of the rubbish that's out there and speak to someone about the crazy stuff.
ReplyDeleteWow just catching up, you've had a busy weekend. Lost the plot completely. I'm not convinced by Val. Anyone shipping 700kgs is not going to blab about it on the blog. I'd be interested to know what prison she's in frankly.
ReplyDelete