with having to bish bash bosh eye contact, pulling face into smile all that crap etc works as aversion therapy then I'm not bothering going again. I only got it because I was indulging a greed craving. Don't feel better for having eaten anything.
I was asked yesterday why I am so hard on myself. Well if someone stuck you repeatedly with drugs of all varieties, lied to you, contantly made promises they caved in on at the first opportunity, made you depressed, drove you cuckoo, tried to kill you twice and made you and your house a complete mess: would you like them? Would you TRUST them ever again?
That's why I don't like and cannot trust myself.
I hope that the day gets better.
ReplyDeleteAye food just doesn't do it anymore...
ReplyDeleteHaving a proper dump makes me happier :)
Hope your good otherwise mate
Hmmm Gleds,
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm having bad days, I practice smiling. I don't know if it helps at all, but maybe sends a signal to my brain telling it to be happy.
Can't prove it ,
Hope tomorrow is a much better, brighter day.
[ About my sister, I don't think they gave her anything in prison.She had to suffer it out, but she's ok now ]
Take good care of yourself,
j.
You sound perfectly rational. The common saying in my circles is "if anyone treated me the way I've treated myself I'd kill them". Yes, you have been awful to yourself, and you may not like who you are, but you need to learn to love yourself anyway. It's easier said than done, but it is doable!
ReplyDeleteSo I haven't read all or even most of your blogs, but I've read a few. I can certainly relate to feeling in control of drugs until falling down the heroin hole and not being able to ever quite climb out of it. But there is a way out, it's very simple but not easy. You need to stop taking drugs. All of them. Alcohol, methadone, street drugs, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills, and all the rest. Anti-depressants and mood stabilizers are okay if necessary, but really it's impossible to diagnose a drug user as having psychiatric problems. There is no way to tell where a symptom is coming from with drug users.
Anyway, I like you Gledwood, and it seems you are on the cusp of making some big changes. I really wish you would just jump in and do it. Anything has to be better than how you've been living! Get off the methadone as soon as possible, don't take anything else, and get your ass to a NA meeting. Be a miracle.
Sometimes when crying out for help, it arrives in a form we don't recognize. Don't they call it a blessing in disguise? This drought is such an opportunity for addicted folk to get together and encourage each other to kick the habit that keeps them trapped. It's so hard to go it alone, but together you can conquer the world! You're good pipl with a bad habit to kick.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping your day improves and I'm still hoping you get clean. x
ReplyDeleteI hope you are better today. I like you, by the way.
ReplyDeleteSB
gledwood stay safe and stay strong and stop being hard on yourself. sounds like you are still goiing through the mill (not literally i hope!)
ReplyDeletehave you got any friends close by ? this internet lark is all well and good but sometimes real human contact is what is needed.
take care mate tomorrow is another day but it will always be different from today. x
How long have you been off heroin?
ReplyDeleteIs it a week ago today that you got to see your doctor?
How are you feeling?
Praying for you.
Hello,
ReplyDeleteWe are having a bad day too, we both have Horrible Colds ( Not much of a comparison) I take medication for depression. Anonymous said some good stuff.
Do You have to Like Yourself to Live with Yourself?
If I have a really bad day I just don't get out of bed, but , I haven't had one of those for a while.
Best Wishes for a Better Day,
CJ
I Wish we could make each other happy. Unfortunately the only person who can make us happy is ourselves.
ReplyDeleteSelf esteem, you should write a song about it. That song you wrote a while back was really good.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I can't believe I never replied to this. That would be typical.
ReplyDeleteSyd: It did then, but I'm still down in the dumps a week later. How typical.
Sid: I wish I could be happy shitting. I hate shitting, pissing. Eating sometimes. That's why I loved heroin, it made eating dead easy. Odd or what??
Taffeta: they never gave your sister anything? What bastards. Why doesn't she sue?
I know what you mean about smiling. I wasn't in the mood to look at anyone let alone smile. :-(
Anon: thank you. I don't want any drugs though I started telling myself I do. It's now Dec 20, about 8 days later. I was depressed before I ever went on heroin, I definitely got depressed before I tried any drugs. I'm only on methadone now and depressed. I gave up drink several times and that made no difference. But I decided to clear it ALLl out. I don't expect to feel any better. I would be kidding myself if I did
Kicked: you're right that drought was a blessing in disguise. I hardly hear anybody say that though. They are all still too addicted, which is depressing
Akelamalu: I did on Tuesday but it came back :-(
SB: thanks %-/
Lizzie: thanks. I never really expected to feel good off heroin. Like I say it kept me together. Never made me happy, but did keep me together so without it I feel crap. Methadone never helped except to stop withdrawal.
Anon: On the day I posted that I was probably a week clear of heroin but on methadone. Now on 20 December it's about 2 weeks 2 days
CJ: I try and avoid not getting out of bed, but hibernate in a chair instead!!
Anna: you're 100% right