O I FEEL STRANGE. I wouldn't mind being depressed. Well actually I would. I would mind it very much. I specially wouldn't mind being UPUPUPUP UPPPP!!! But I'm neither thing. I slept somewhere up to 18 hours last night. The smoke alarm is going crazy and I'm thoroughly enjoying it + pissing off my neighbours. It's off now.I HAD to go get methadone as I slept so late they were about to close. So I got it. In the foulest of moods. Got ONE pizza in Morrisons where some idiotic foreigner was trying to feed a £50 note into the self-service machine. If I'd been a little more whateveristic I'd have told her "darling nobody in this country accepts a fifty. They're either faked or they think you're trying to pass off a fake. Take 20s. Or use 500 euro notes." Then I had to buy cherry cyder and some Pole who was even more averse to showering than me (and that's saying something) seemed to spend half an hour buying about 7 items of weird unclean porkfilled Polish food.
Then I got home. No cigarette papers and frankly I'd rather look behind my bottom drawer for a stray one than go outside again.
My oven is going nuts as there's still burnt tost in there from yesterday (that I forgot about till it was past incinerated) along with the tex mex pizza.
So I'm buzzing in a vague "just been on coke" type way. No it's not the heroin. Heroin doesn't make you buzz; it's a downer ~ it just helped me sleep not far off an entire 24 hours.
And I feel shit. So what's that? I'm not going to any appointments. Oh shit some bastard is coming round my house tomorrow well he can see it as it is I ain't doing shit for no-one.What is it Baino you don't believe I'm psychic? I'll try and get you next week's lottery numbers? OK??
Right i gotta go I've only had 2.5 cigarettes today. I don't want any heroin it didn't make me "high" (does anyone get a high off heroin? What's it like? Feels like normality to me...) anyway the PO was shut by the time I woke up.
Shit I suppose I'd better clear the worst for this support worker git. Sure he's NOT on my side. All they do is try and con you these people. Right I'm off.
MADONNA: FROZEN
No sweetie, I don't believe you're psychic or psycho but if you can get the numbers, I'll share the win and you can have all the therapy and rehab you need.
ReplyDeleteHey. I'm at work so can't stay too long. The last thing you need is to be on your own. You can't kick it by yourself. Stick with the counselling, methodone and NA. They're all support networks. You self diagnose too much. Wishing you luck Gleds, you're going to need it.
ReplyDeleteoh and if you want to say more, send it to my email.
ReplyDeletei'll try and email there's something wrong it gives 2 incoming ones at a time and when i try and read i get 2 lines
ReplyDeletei wrote to you chez toi
i'm giving up on the quasi medical language from now on it seems to confuse everyone i'm only telling how things actually are which is even more sad and more confusing but if that's what people want to hear, not you, people, i will tell it, i have no shame left anyhow i had this problem for years it's a doing nothing problem where i collect rubbish eg i have 5 tv sets 3 chairs 3 toasters endless stuff that i don't even know works now some bastard is coming round tomorrow am i supposed to tidy up or show a true picture i can't be bothered tidying up it's my fucking house i can live as i please that's their problem not mine if they don't like it sorry to go on i'm pissed off with all these professionals prescribing poison then wondering why i can't handle it it's METHADONE causing ALL THIS methadone the POISON
Hi Gleds. Hmmm you sound a trifle fed up with the world. Not good. I hope that social worker git doesn't give you too much grief.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I have a new blog and the reason is in my first post.
Take care and stay off the stuff, ok?
Cheers
Robyn
ROBYN: I'll come over via your profile. It is listed there, right? Else I'll look via Merle's.
ReplyDeleteThe social worker is probably OK but I'm averse to putting on a display which is how it's gonna look if I don't clear up which i DON'T FUCKING WANT TO sorry to swear. I'm now being forced to live by other people's standards when I'm pefectly OK, know what i mean
im nt sure if u really think meth is causing "all this".
ReplyDeletethe only thing meth is causing, is
absence of horrendous withdrawal symptons. it wont solve or cause any other major probs.
of cause u can live as u please
but is this how u please?
is there any one who u would accept and follow advice from?
someone who cares, someone u trust
u r still de-toxing from H.
and will be for a longtime.
then de-tox from meth.
then deal with any other issues after that. at least u will know then that they were not part of de-toxing.
i hear u say u r in-dependant and do not need anyone and u can not/ will not engage,that folk outside think u r weird, that old timers at NA judge u and new comers scare u , cashiers sneer at u,the bastard whos coming tomorrow is not on your side, needy people piss u off . it might appear that u have isolated yourself, but its not the addict who does it,its the gear, and it wants u to beleive its the only thing that can fix that, but it cant. only in so much as it will keep u isolated but it wont matter.because it will be your best friend and NOthing else will matter. without it u can interact/engage and find u r not so isolated, and that there r ok nutters out there, like you, who get on through life ok, sometimes needing help and other times giving help. but of course it will play all kinda tricks on u to stay friends. its a fucking liar.its people u need and need 2 trust, and if thats 2 much 2 start with, try God first, then people (real live people);-)
i cant remember how i started this or whats been said,and i aint gonna look, if its out of order plse delete. its 2 am and i gotta b up at 7 so im going ive said 2 much
take care
x
HI BUGGALUGZ!!
ReplyDeleteby living as i please i mean i let my mood soar as high as i want which you'd think was illegal the way psychiatry people insist i must take medication for it fair enough i was pretty obviously going off on one time before last at nutter club. i could see it written all over naomi's face.
she's ok but other people don't realize i can SEE IT ALL OVER THEM when they think i'm acting like a nutter. i couldn't even tell you what i do, i mean if i knew i'd not do it. i have far fewer problems in depression because that i can cover up way easier the other stuff just blazes from inside me and gives me right away
you make a very good point about the sneering, na, isolation etc but i never felt independent on gear i felt highly dependent that is why i want off methadone and need off it so i can be independent. at one point i was all up for living up a mountain on my own, off methadone, living on nothing. i would choose the coldest climate possible so i have the biggest chance of freezing to death. this idea only feels stupid now because i'm on heroin to con me into thinking im in normality.
don't you think the only time you see reality is from a high or a low? i don't think there's much reality in the middle and i barely ever go there (thank God) i hate being depressed but at least i know i'm seeing things the way they really are when i'm in that state
there's nothing out of order in what you say i lived a decade of my life on heroin and the last half i had obvious problems with depression that was bad enough i felt every single day that i ought to commit suicide. in a sense the heroin saved my life but i was only sensing reality through that depression that's all depression is a kind of perfect reality
sorry im kind of rambling here im stuck between 2 places do you see what i mean. i REFUSE TO DO "I'M SICK" so i can only do "i'm well and all is normal" which is genuinely how i see myself and the world in depression when I'm "high" i might be in touch with reality also but i'm more aware that a high is false because it reminds me of drugs, albeit a far nicer version... see what i mean i find it very very confusing so this message i got that the psycho shit was fake it did my head in because i never know what to believe anyway and when someone disbelieves me i can't tell whether i'm real or not i find it too confusing for words