Deer Hunter Music

MOOD SWINGS. I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. But I have decided panic attacks and me are NOT going to share a bed. Absolutely no way. I went out and scored 3 Valium blues (10mgs) now I feel all zonged. But way more with it than I was on meds last night.

I have been sleeping really well. Didn't want to get up at 12:30 today but I had to.

Problem with anything antimanic; it's liable to make you a bit depressed. Today I felt manic inside my skull but not outside it. Which meant my head was clanging. Saying the same syllables over and over in my brain. I'm glad I didn't have access to a computer: knowing me I would have posted them.

There is nothing else to put up. No positivity as I have done no positive things. All I want is to run away and hide from life. It's all too too much. Today I had to go home early I know when I have gone to my limit. When I push myself past it I just end up as a nervous wreck so better NOT push too far. See I am mentally disabled now. Not in principle; in practice. If I can talk and move hands I can type. I don't drive so I don't know whether I'd be able to in this state. If it's too much to do the basics it's too much to move pedals, steering wheel and gear stick. It just is.

I was googling stuff to do with death and came across someone who has said "there is no quick and painless way to die so I am going to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on; maybe you will too". You have to get out of your head that death is negative. Death is positive. I just hate being left behind. I would be very nervous facing eternity but I would still go through with it. If I could dive into a pool of infinity and execute a perfect dive, I'd do it. Then again I was too inept to do it when I really wanted to. Poisoned myself and felt really bad. Now I'm too pussy to try again. So I'm still here. Don't worry about me. Still here. Always will be. I will probably outlive you all knowing me. So worry about yourself before you worry about me.



This is what legal medication does to me:~

DOES ANYBODY KNOW THE FILM THE DEER HUNTER? This is the tune Cavatina, that makes such haunting music. I love that track. Although the film is supposed to e about PostTraumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects one character, eeen Robert DeNiro who pays hard" first and only Iie Ill see that and they were masquerading... see this is what medication does to you. Makes you forget.

Earlier on Tuesday I felt so low and depressed (physically exhausted as well as mentally "ill" I nearly went to bed. My phone kept ringing but I wouldnt answer it. heroin doesnt work. Now my mood has risen anyhow. Far more rapidly than heroin ever works. I spose Im a rapid cycler, in psychiatric termonology.
DEER HUNTER: CAVATINA