I TOSSED A PIZZA OUT OF MY WINDOW EARLIER LIKE A FROZEN FRISBEE. It had fucking pork in it and I don't eat pork. It's dirty. So I stormed off down the corner shop for another one. This one was Margherita with red peppers and mushrooms of my own. It's in there now.
WAS IN A REAL STEW about Deshane, the mental health personnage coming to my house. I very naerly walked out and scored heroin instead of doing the meeting. I have never been so wound up over a thing, an actual thing. Not for a long time.
Deshane is VERY perceptive he recognized that the mess I live in is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder turned on his head. How on earth did you realize that? I asked. It took over a year of counselling for me to see that one. He said he has seen it before. But he sounded very surprised when I laughingly described my "symptoms" to him. All my life all my experience is now a "symptom". How horrible is that.But Deshane says it's healthier to see myself as sick than to pretend Im OK (as I do to the world at large, of course). But I get confused on that issue. I think it's all a conspiracy to make me helpless and in desperation yet undiagnosable. And on meds that don't work. The pills weren't really working last night. My head was lit up and I was hearing voices a bit. I know hearing voices is meant to mean I'm cuckoo but honestly thats the least of my worries. It's the weirder stuff I get troubled by.
I took my 4mg risperidone as prescribed. It doesnt make me feel ill anymore so that's good. Sorry there's nothing good to report. Except I'm taking up swimming (see below).
All the best to everyone
G
xx
hi
ReplyDeleteyes swimming v good excercise apparently as works most muscle groups in the one activity. I've gained a good 20lb since drought and people say i look better 4 it, but i also like being thin, not stick thin, but flat stomach thin. so i want to loose the 20lb before i go swimming!
At least it must be pretty anonymous 4 u in London, if i go leisure centre here i will "know" most people. not that they would speak to me, only about me.
I dont think Brad Pitt would do u justice, hes too incipid (in my opinion) and "cute", sure he could act mad, but his eyes would say something different.
I never really get the "wow" factor with most of these actors, i dont see what other girls see. sometimes i wonder if they see it because they r told it, or if they genuinely think he & others (Tom Cruise, Clooney etc) r gorgeous.
I always do the "sainsbury test" as in; if i were in sainsbury's, would i notice him/her? and as i am hugely attracted by that "something" in the eyes (madness?) Brad wud be invisble. Peter Postlethwaite had something in his eyes, brilliant, but hes dead now, and was too old anyhow, so he cant do it. Angelina Jolie has it too. (i haven't seen the girl interupted film as i almost never watch films, but i can see at a glance she could "do" mad very nicely. Maybe she could "do" mad man nicely too!
I had to do something i not keen on today, that is plan a real busy day next for monday and just hope i feel up to it.
Hamper girls dad had been on closed (behind glass) visits since october for one reason and another. But he on open visit again so i promised him i would take hamper g to see him on mon, i.e. leave here 9 am, 3 trains and a bus later she will get to see him from 2pm until 4 pm then arrive back home by 7 pm. I so hope it goes well and that im manic enough to take it all in my stride, yet not too manic and certainly not paranoid. i would go into why, but feel like i am writing too much, getting carried away as usual.
Anchovy has returned to the love nest to Reggies sheer delight, I am convinced he loves her and vice -versa. I have read up on them a bit and she will be "in the mood" every 4 days so that explains the moving in and out of the shared bed.i better go else i will just go on and on, I really hope u feeling at least reasonably good, or even better.
take good care
with love
x
Sounds like a very heavy duty day.
ReplyDeleteTake good care of yourself, Gleds,
Hi gleds,i just noticed that when something stresses you out majorly,you get worse symptons.Hopefully now the stress will subside once your new life takes shape and everything will be hunkydory*she said with her rose tinted specs on..*
ReplyDeleteWow,a new place to live...
Annie x
I hope that you will find a healthy outlet for your stress.
ReplyDelete