I just found my £50 million Euromillions lottery ticket and I didn't win, not even the £1 million bonus prize.I sleep a good ten hours minimum, sometimes past 12 hours. I don't like sleeping too long but apparently it's common amongst people on antipsychotic medication.
I feel way better than I did earlier. I was really depressed.
Somebody rang my doorbell 3 times earlier today but I thought it was someone persecuting me so I didn't answer. Nobody rings my who rings my doorbell gets answered unless they shout my name, phone or I know they're coming. Otherwise they're just a time-waster.
Deshane is coming tomorrow to check I'm doing OK. He is a mental health worker and my mental health is bad. My mood is cycling. Earlier I had suicidal ideation, now I feel vaguely excited, like I'm going into mild mania. This is just me. That's why they say I hae schizoaffective; my moods cycle quickly and I get "psychotic features". I couldn't handle depressive psychosis that is so horrible I won't even describe it to you, it is the worst most horrible type of mental illness going and really frightening just to think about. I'm lucky that my psychosis is "mood incongruent" so e.g. I heard a cockney flower girl saying "Aw darlin'! I've got some lovely roses down me stall. Come and 'ave a look at me roses babes..." really entertaining. Mood congruent hallucinations would tell me I was the dog's bollocks in mania and that I was shit in depression. I am finding out all I can about my illness as knowledge is power. But my shit attention span means I don't take too much in. I'm not sure I've even been correctly diagnosed. You can'treally tell whether you're psychotic so I can't know much about the schizo-bit in schozo-affective. I'm trying to be really grown up about it, but I feel like a small child and quite frightened by it all.
You have to understand this thing that happens to me gets ultra ultra powerful. If you imagine the noise of a road drill and the way it goes right through you, that's what acute mania does to me, it totally takes me over and goes through me with the intensity of a road drill and I'm floridly psychotic. What you read here is the toned down version because I cant post everything. If my shrinko read it I'd get sectioned.
I want to talk to my doctor about sectioning (that is involuntary commitment) because I do lose it sometimes. I want to make an agreement where I can go in voluntarily and agree to act as if sectioned (that is, I won't go outside without permission, I will stay in hospital etc etc etc but technically I will be a voluntary patient). This is a very real issue. If you think I'm going OTT remeember you haen't SEEN me going mad. I upset one friend so much he cried. It was horrible to see. There was me manic just being manic, feeling normal but a bit over-wrought and here is is CRYING over my behaviour. I was making whirring gargling noises like a car engine because my brain stopped thinking in English and turned into noise. I was going really psychotic that day.
Now I have some mania right now. We all know what anxiety feels like. Well imagine anxiety but really nice and when you move or click your fingers you get more excited and go with it. Music sounds lush in this state. It's like a drug. No specific drug I can think of but very similar to cocaine at the lower reaches and trippy E (ecstasy) at the higher levels. I literally see spirals everywhere when I'm tripping on mania.
Obviously I far prefer being manic to being depressed, but mania can get ultra ultra intense which makes Stephen Fry's flip comment about "bipolar being better than depression because you have the upside of mania" yeah MILD mania like type 2 bipolar he has. I'm type one my highs are higher than my lows ever were low and I go floridly psychotic in a way I don't go in depression and it gets so very intense I could have panicked on several occasions. Only strength of character prevented this.You see this is what I'm trying to deal with but I don't know how to, except by taking meds as prescribed. Also heroin used to do a great deal to prevent my mood cycling. Seriously bad depression felt massively cushioned on heroin (bt never on methadone) and mania seemed to be blocked out. Looking back I can see manic symptoms I had over the years like racing thoughts, aggression and irritation and euphoria. i remember a few years ago I suddenly went from being all mousey and depressed to fantasizing about being Prime Minister (typical manic symptoms, you get ultra-ambitious) and I wanted to start my own HD 24-hour international news channel. I didn't think I was manic at the time, just normal. My normal self is highly ambitious and goal-oriented so it's impossible to tell the difference between mild mania and normality.
Now I feel this excitement coursing through me that I know is there because I had depression earlier. I feel like I'm doing something really exciting tomorrow and can't sleep for the sheer joy of this amazing stuff that's on my mind. Only I'm just seeing Deshane and the drug worker, which in my low state would stress me out big time. I get really stressed over little thigns. I neer thought of this as illness before but X and Y my friends say they've known I was ill for years. Everybody who knew me knew I was ill. Mother Hubbs said I was bipolar (how on earth did she know?) and everyone knew I was very thin skinned re stress. Not re people but re stress. Eg if I had an appointment it would really do my head in thinking about it. In the end I couldn't even score heroin it was too stressful and the dealer would keep phoning me asking where I was because I was late. I'm meant to phone him but the boot was on the other foot and I genuinely didn't care. O man I feel so excited! I'm going in the shower. My clothes are clean I feel so happy having clean clothes I want to be clean too. I love being squeaky clean.
0354 I'm outta the shower lovely and clean. I found a deodorant body spray on the street this evening named Tusk which is really nice so I'm covered in Tusk and feel really clean for a change. I used to so loathe being dirty thaat when we went to a 3-day rave d day's drive away in 1998 or 1999 the VERY first thing I did on returning, friends in tow was to sprint to my own shower and bathe and bathe and bathe luxuriating in the hot water.
I'm going to have to talk to my doctor as I think my pills are making me depressed. I haven't had one yet and I didn't have one last night as I thought I'd taken two (remember?) now I don't want one as I'm feeling excited again and I adore feelling manic. It's my mind and my life I know I "should" take the pill but I don't WANT to I love feeling that euphoria and it's NATURAL EUPHORIA nothing wrong with it. Why should I medicate it away? I have 2 cigarettes here that I want to smoke.
I disturb myself with my own behaviour. Earlier today I nearly described suicide as "lucisous". I make this point to say yeah I know I am mentally ill. How am I meant to "live with mental illness" it's like sharing a bed with a skeleton. Living with mental illness. I know there are far worse varieties (paranoid schizophrenia for one, depression-only schizoaffective for another, depressive psychosis particularly) see I know very well it could be worse but I have to look after myself like a child.
Sorry to go on this is a big issue I don't know how to deal with it. It's rubbish to believe that psychotic people don't know they're ill. Some have this luxury. I don't. I know that I am ill and I know the way I see things doesn't correspond with what you call reality. How do I deal with this? I know you can't answer that one. But I just don't know what to do.
I'm going to leave it there. Don't worry about me I'm on an upper not a downer but I feel very shiny and lucid so I can see how confused I sometimes get. It's like being trapped in a hall of mirrors; knowing you're in the hall of mirrors doesn't get you out of there, you still can't tell what way is out.
I don't even know how I'll be tomorrow. Deshane is coming round, as far as I know so I'm making a special effrt just for him. I need to borrow £20 of Paddadster or Valium Marilyn or Lynette. I'm lucky being a former heroin addict having 3 people who will lend me money. I lent Paddadadster £20 when he desperately needed it so he respects me for it. Bet I won't get that score though. That's Motherfucker's Law. Just when you need £20, it won't come. And I promise to spend it in Iceland on chicken saag and chicken dhansak with mushroom pilau rice, not on gear. Heroin I really don't need, not when I get a coke rush just from not taking meds. How much do people pay for coke? FAR too much!I LOATHE DRUGS. Drugs stink. Let's leave it there. Me and drugs = DIVORCED. NEVER AGAIN.
A NICE, HEALTHY ATTITUDE. For once.
I thought my Incredible Journey Homeward Bound DVD seemed susipiciously NOT like the film I watched as a kid where the poor golden retriever got porkupine spikes in his boze, now I find out it's a grotty remake with human dialogue all over it. No wonder it's crap.
Anyway re mental health: comments please. I know you're not going through the same thing, I'd just appreciate any feedback.
You know what I find it weird that even my "depression" is counted as an "illness" I just didn't used to see it like that I saw it as me being miserable, not ill. I cant get my head round this "illness" thing. So I'm sick? I'm ill? I don't know. In a way I'd rather think I'm crazed and insane than "ill" and "diseased" mentally... know what I mean..??
0522 ~ O come on someone say something dont be scared. BUGGALUGZ where are you? BUGGALUGZ say something please LIZZYDRIPPING what's up? Come back!
Secret life of a manic-depressive
Getting into your car and thinking of gassing yourself is not a suicide attempt. That's coming near a suicide attempt. After a suicide attempt you wake up thinking you're dead. That's how you know it's a genuine attempt. Because you wake up thinking you're dead.
Stephen Fry has type 2 bipolar mild enough not to have to take meds. Lucky bastard
Open University: coping with depression
3 parts: includes diagnosis and drugs
http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/03/open-university-coping-with-depression.html<
Dr Kay Redfield Jamison (bipolar sufferer, head of a mood disorders clinic) talks about suicide. Half-hour interview
http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/03/dr-kay-redfield-jamison-suicide.html
It would seem that the doctors would be able to give you some medication to help with the mood swings. I am hoping that when you see them this week, there will be some relief.
ReplyDeleteI can get mood stabilizers he was talking about this. I want ones that take out depression and just damp the worst of the mania but I like a bit of mania it makes me feel alive. You have to bear in mind I consider my illness to be me, so I find it quite hard to accept that "I" am ill... you know. Thanks v much for your comment
ReplyDelete'm here!
ReplyDeletesorry been so busy at work feel like i am about a week behind with your life.
sounds like you are doing well - bothering about your appearance is good if i remember you did not do that for years did you?
look i promise i will chat more tonight i have to leave early today -like 5 minutes ago - as i have piles of paperwork drowning me at work that i need to get too before my manager does love to you
L X
Oh that was just me feeling shitty. I really felt crap this morning now I'm spending all night awake feeling slightly manic.
ReplyDeleteI feel so childish talking about suicide but that's how I feel, it's so difficult to negotiate and I hate talking about suicide but what can I say when suicidal is how I feel? I feel really really childish now I don't know what to do. It just makes me feel mentally ill that I can seriously talk about dying not much longer than 12 hours ago and now I'm pretty OK the depression is just in the background. I dread going to sleep as it resets my body clock and I feel shitty again. Thanks for your reply though. I'm trying so hard to be grown up about this I know it barely shows ~ which just about says everything :-(
p.s. found this for you:
ReplyDeletehttp://schizoaffectiveaussie.blogspot.com/
Hi Lizzy you're online at precisely the same time as me.
ReplyDeleteNo I didn't bother with my appearance I remember the day I went into an internet caff and the fucking webcam put my image on screen I looked like a haystack. I honestly never used a mirror I looked like shit. At least now I have some semblance of self-esteem even when depressed. That depression destroyed any semblance of self esteem I had left it was so terrible it was unreal. I'm glad I can at least be assertive now.
It was the length of time that caused all the damage, I was depressed for about 3 years last major depression I had. I just hope I can be hypomanic for 3 years flat, that would be brilliant :-)
thanks for the link ;-)
ReplyDeleteGet a gmail account, it has IM and we can chat instead of you leaving long comments on my blog. Do it.
ReplyDeleteI don't get what IM is but I need to change my email the one I'm using is driving me barmy!
ReplyDeletehi
ReplyDeletegood u feeling bit better.
do u know, if i thought i gotta spend the day feeling how i feel when i wake up i WOULD go back 2 sleep.
i , like u, feel crap most mornings down,miserable, aching,
irritable etc.(if i got a lot to do that day, i start the day planning how much i can put off)
By the late afternoon/evening i am "on one" multi-tasking, singing, flying around the place, and by the time i get to bed, i think y can i not just wake up like this, just freeze frame 4 the night and be "this " in the morning. but no, never happens. at least i got that to look forward to later ;-)
had so many weird mixed up dreams last night, and i cant retrieve any of it. tis a huge tangle of heavy wet rope in my head. intertwined with emotions. i get the occasional flash of a vision from the dreams but if i try to hold on to it, its dust, its gone.
i know this will last a good part of the day and it wont get any clearer.tis v frustrating though.
Anyway I felt quite let down that nothing "good" happened to u yesterday until i read this morning about the can of tusk!
YEY! i know its not much, i did say big or small, but for me it was enough, and u did feel good after that shower as u sprayed it everywhere.U know u did ;-)
ok hamper girl wants a "chucky egg"
not checked other hampers yet, but yesterday pm Anchovy was sleeping in an egg box, leaving Reggie alone in the love nest, so maybe she already pregnant and "can,t stand him near her".
poor old Reggie, wondering what the fuck hes done wrong again!
sorry I not been any help re mental health issues. maybe Deshane could help wth crisis loan?
back later,
with love
x
Reggie may know by her hormones. Or pheromones. Maybe he knows to stay away. When I had Robos, Itchy used to stick her bum up in the air and wee blood, that must have been some sort of sign that she wanted a mate I felt sorry for her I couldn't get her a mate and I wasn't in a state to have baby hamsters even though they're cute.
ReplyDeleteYou know sleep is implicated in depression. Do you tend to sleep longer when you're depressed and sleep little when manic? I find the sleeping little when manic only happens when it's really kicking in, I can be hypomanic and still sleep a good 8 hours but when it really kicks in my sleep withers right down. They say sleeping a long time makes you depressed and is a sign of depression. I nearly always sleep too long when depressed which I'm glad for as it's better than insomnia even though I do feel absolutely exhausted like wading through honey afterwards.
They say you can even switch your mood by spending a night awake..! I tried to do that when I was depressed and found I coudln't sleep anyway then I got the most severely manic I've ever been that was the time when every day I got to a stage when I couldn't even think in English, now that's extreme! I'm one of these people who takes things in my stride so I wasn't unduly disturbed by that till afterwards (ahem!)
Yes I felt WAY better for having a shower it was nice to feel excited and go in a shower feeling really good not really stressed about where do I put my clothes what do I wear I've handwashed loads of clothes this week (smalls).
Thanks v much for your message I do feel far better. Unfortunately all that suicide stuff was true I feel so childish now but it just shows I have a problem I know it I need to grow up or get some way of dealing with it as I can't be mood swinging that intensely that fast that's ridiculous!
I'm telling my dr next time. He's only not giving mood stabilizer as he wants to know what drug is doing what and the antipsychotic is having a "partial response"... it's stopped me hearing voices though, I haven't heard one for maybe a week.
Thanks again for the message I feel really good today. Wow!
ps.
ReplyDeleteI am of the harsh opinion that most (90%?) of "failed suicide attempts" are not suicide attempts. (this is not aimed at u Gledwood, i know if u did do it, u would suceed)
Having known a few people who made sure they did not fail. (I mean come on its not rocket science).
phoning a friend as u switch the ignition on/ swallow the last pill or whatever is not a serious attempt is it?
yes i know its a call 4 help but then count it as such, not a suicide attempt. I dont know y it annoys me so.
it really does, when someone says " o he/she tried twice to kill himself/herself"
If i wasn't so bloody polite i would say.
"o brill did they discover they were eternal?"
or " did they try xxxxxxx?"
maybe i shouldn't post this, is it offensive? i dont know. its just an opinion. I've still got the morning grumps ;-(
x
"they say" Who is they anyway? I used/use that term (much less now cause I'm aware of the insanity) so often and pushed... I cannot come up with a highly credible source for "they" especially given I'm pissed at "them" most of the time, cause "they" don't know what they're talking about.
ReplyDeleteLOL
It's nice to know I was missed.
RE: Your comment on NA not hugging or patting you on the back for being honest about your bi-polar/scitzo stuff. You said, I wasn't expecting... then later in your comment you said "I just expected SOMETHING and got nothing."
That is your disease, the disease of perception. Not one of those people really gives a shit that you aren't impressed with them, they aren't there to impress you, they're there to figure out how to not use and not die, how to live a happy and effective life without drugs. Isn't that why you're there?
You can't blame me because I have no real influence outside of encouragement and sharing my experience. I'm just words on paper. It's the spirit that's carried on the words that is influential.
You have the unique opportunity to do the program right and become a reflection of what it truly is. So stop judging the people, and start absorbing EXACTLY and PRECISELY what the BOOK tells you to do (take action).
The next time you go to a meeting, do this one thing, Go up to the chair of the meeting, and say, thank you for your service today, I appreciate that this meeting is here today. Also, look for the person making the coffee and say, thank you for making coffee today, I appreciate that you are here doing this for the meeting.
Simple first steps of realization that there are people who are doing exactly what they are supposed to. AND doing SOMETHING to reflect that they care about you (even when they cannot touch you or say so to your face).
We alcholics and addicts are damaged people. We cannot always act directly in a manner that reflects that we do care about others, sometimes it takes a very long time to be able to hug, touch, be still, but those things that we can do are in service to keeping the doors open, the coffee made, getting the literature put out, putting up or taking down chairs, cleaning ashtrays, etc.
ReplyDeleteSaying thank you to those people, consistently, for what they are providing you in love and care, is a great first step to seeing that your expectation of SOMETHING is already being fulfilled.
Once you begin to see that, and get over that fear and bullshit thinking, you might want to offer to help them make the coffee or clean up or set up in appreciation of what you've already received in love, kindness, care and understanding.
PS I heard voices too (I call them "my committee of they" ... "the committee" for short) somtetimes they were just low mumbles that I don't even understand like I couldn't distinguish if it was voices or noise or what...sometimes I recognized the conversations as me having an argument with me, sometimes it was other identifiable people like my parents or friends or doctor or ... whoever I needed to argue with because THEY were going to disagree or not believe or not doign it right, or not crediting me for doing it right...
Progressing through this program of recovery, the steps and becoming more a part of AA, well the horrific voices and noises that were eerily other worldly in the darkness and alone at night, they got very quiet and in some cases dissappeared completely.
The committee of they still likes to pop up and begin to suggest stuff that sounds like both good and bad ideas to me, but... they are not so influential as they once were, now I have a defense against both the use of alcohol and chemicals (which I know is killing me) and against the dis-ease that causes the voices and the discomfort, anger, sadness, fear...
Keep coming back Gled, you're bound to catch the solution if you do. I'm still praying for ya!
Hi Gleds ~~ Well you got some good comments here today. I am so glad you are feeling better and your whole posting shows that too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments and I am fine now. These procedures are not fun, but nothing bad was found. I am sure I don't know what is worst physical illness or mental illness
Neither is good. I am so glad that you have more ups than downs and are not so depressed. Medications may be starting to work to really
help you. I sure hope so, my friend. Love and Best Wishes, Merle
Dear Gleddy- I am going to be gone this weekend but I will be thinking of you. Just wanted to say that.
ReplyDeleteI do wish you could get the help you need. You seem to be going more and more manic, well in what you're writing anyway. I'm frightened for you Gleds. x
ReplyDeleteHey Gledwood! From what you write (not just this post but thinking about many) it seems to me, at least, that you've got many issues that are pretty deep seeded. I myself am not unfamiliar with that type of predicament. For me drugs (both narcotics and prescribed depression meds) just blocked my recovery. That said, I know that there are many many cases of people who do benefit. Right now I attend psycotherapy on a weekly basis. It has allowed me to get into the spooky corners of my life that I had kicked into the dirt for too long. I really do firmly believe that you need to get into those places, with meds or not, in order to recover effectively. I've found great benefit in being forced to look at and feel all those experiences that festered and stewed in my head like a witches brew. Who knows? You asked for comments so I am commenting.
ReplyDeleteHas your mental health demised since you've mostly given up the junk?
Anyhoo, I think it's a good sign that you're still truckin'. You've got alot of friendly strangers routing for you.
hi,
ReplyDeleteso hope you continued to feel good.
that is how u should be feeling. obviously not all of the time, no-one does, but u deserve some more of that.I dont think any body thought u were being childish, just very honest (as usual).
It must be strange to look back after
a significant mood change and read in detail how u felt.
I find it weird enough to have felt and thought a certain way.
only to look back a few hours later,in a different "phase" and be very surprised, embarrased and usually thankful that i kept it to myself.
but to have it all written down, and have shared it with whoever wants to read it is very open and brave.I would end up cringeing at myself every day ;-)
I usually do anyway at some point.
that bit about itchy proper made me laugh, when u said "I felt so bad as i couldn't find her a mate, and I (as a potential mate) was in no state to have baby hamsters . . ."
such responsible thinking for a hamster.
Reggie still alone in love nest, all huddled into one half of it, with an anchovy shaped hole in the bedding next to him.
i keep nearly falling asleep so i better lie down, got heaps to do 2 moz, hamper girl birthday saturday.
hoping and praying for more of that "feeling good" stuff for you.
with love
x
Gleds,
ReplyDeleteYou have to take your medication daily, it has to build up in your blood stream. If U take it sporadically, its goona cause depression.
If u feel like shit too much on Risperdol(same drug I'm on)then tell ur shrink that u need a diffrent medication.
The main thing is whatever meds ur on that u take it daily so it gets a chance to work. Often bi polar's think that being in a mania is a good place to be...UNTELL U DROP INTO DEEP DEPRESION!!! I've done this often to. I become manic and stop taking my meds. It usually ends up W/ me attempting suicide.
I think its a good thing if you go to a mental Hospital and be watched 24/7, so u can be properly diagnosed and given the right therapy and drugs to keep U stable.
Love u darling xxxxx
"you're up and down like a whore's knickers" --LOVE whomever you are that wrote that, and i know you MUST be from the u.k. if not england itself, yeah?
ReplyDeleteso GLEDS, lets talk about you! wow, dude, what is UP... i have not ever heard you sound like ... well, like this, not ever since i've been reading your blog! i mean, granted, i have had my lapses, where i am not online for a few weeks at a time, but no more than that! is this because you are free of "drugs" (meaning heroin and the "illegal" and "bad" ones)? or just a particularly shitty spell? moreover, who is stephen fry for the love of god? (if it's in the videos, sorry! i can't get any video or audio to load right now for some reason)...
well, i am avidly reading and catching up (you know how i do) on your stuff. thinking alternately calming and rousing thoughts toward you all day, okay? ;) that's a little mental health joke between us mental-health-challenged folks. if that's okay.