I glanced over the bullshit I have written over only FOUR DAYS.
Did I really think it showed strength of character to kill myself? Why do I say these things.
Then I want to switch to a drug I know will make me suffer. While it makes me cleaner. Subutex is amazing. But only for those truly ready to be clean.
Now I want to be a poet (and don't I know it).
Today I am waiting for a misery bag. Yes high grade shit is coming my way.
Last week I got a couple of free samples, one was amazing. It knocked me out, literally. I didn't blog it as I was in such depression, the heroin barely cut through.
So this is me, still lost. If I were somebody else I should be sorry for myself. But I can't pity myself. That is too indulgent.
And here we are. I'm on basic German lessons via teach yourself, to patch up the gaps in my knowledge.
And waiting, waiting, waiting on the Joy Man to show his face and a little bag of powder costing £20.
Wherever you are have a nice day. And don't pity me or yourself. Pity doesn't pay the rent and it doesn't feed you. It is a waste of love.
McMannWeb best schizoaffective page I've found so far
http://www.mcmanweb.com/psychosis.html
You sound sane today, is that because you've taken heroin again? I'm not sure what you're trying to do anymore Gleds. Do you still want to get clean or have you given up on that idea?
ReplyDeleteNo I'm still waiting. I might want heroin because I am sane I couldn't handle sanity. That might be why I went mad. If that's sad it's only because it's true
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I pity you - I can't possibly know what your life is like. I just read the book Tweak and could identify with everything he said except for the drugs. But then I have practically nil experience in that regard. And too chicken to do anything about that. I don't know - is it wisdom to stay away when I am really just afraid to get more messed up than I am? Yet the heroin seems to make you less messed up.
ReplyDeleteSee you see why I took heroin it seemed to help me. Crazy I know but it seemed to keep my sanity better than anything else. Risperidone does work quite well when I couldn't bare to take 4mg I took 2mg and started experiencing voices again so I know it's doing something.
ReplyDeleteYou're not chicken not to use drugs. You're sensible!
Damn. Well at least you've given up the idea of self-medicating. I hate that Joy Man and it's a silly euphamism. Just don't fall completely off the wagon.
ReplyDeleteThe Joy Man isn't a euphamism it's sarcasm. He ought to be the Misery Man. Do you know he's one of THREE who have said "why don't you just stop this". Two had seen how I lived and despaired at me; the other one was responding to my (then) news (in 2004) that I was going to rehab.
ReplyDeleteI can't fall further off the wagon, I'd do something stupid if I did that and I want to be sensible now.
The gear did nothing for me. Yeah it was strong. Yeah it was shit, like all heroin is shit. Waste of time. Somehow I always feel I need to get it out of my system. now what I mean ;-)