I did use heroin. I'm using it as an antidepressant because despite my mood picking up a bit over the weekend I'm still feeling down. I look to tomorrow and can't handle the thought of honouring any commitments. Not even going to the drug clinic on the 21st. I can't handle the idea of doing anything. When I'm with people I find it slightly stressful talking to them, but I feel better for being in thier company eventually, because they're my friends. Then I'm scared of them leaving me, of being on my own. I don't know what's happening. I was so vehemently antidrugs not even two months ago, but I had a naturally "elevated mood" back then. I called it my "higher power"; my psychiatrist called it mania; NA called it crack addiction and backhandedly called me a liar for declaring myself crack-clean ~ which I was very much so back then; I've barely smoked any crack at all since new year going into 2009.
I missed NA tonight because I was with friends but they said there's a meeting in Central London they'd be willing to go to with me next week, so maybe we'll do that. Not much else to say; my brains have turned to porridge. I have to go; I just washed my hair for the first time in a fortnight and it's dripping all over me.
I suppose I crossed a bridge today because I allowed someone to pipe right in front of me and barely craved a go. If only I could confine heroin to that same dustbin every other drug of my past lives has gone in: cannabis, ecstasy, mushrooms, ketamine, LSD (in no particular order) and so on... Nasty stuff all of it.
As my head-shrinker, who's a consultant psychiatrist specializing in addiction and mental health dual diagnosis, the one who diagnosed me schizoaffective said: "you and drugs and drink do not mix"...
Illustrated: crack cocaine as it's packaged and sold in many parts of the United States, in a vial containing about 0.3g or 0.4g, about £15-£20 worth of the drug in UK terms. I asked an American friend why the vials and he said "so you can see what you're getting". Good point. Here in London it comes clingfilmed up so you could be buying anything. Heroin bags (same principal; coloured polythene) were originally called "joeys". A joey meaning "a stupid person". When you buy drugs you're buying a proverbial pig in a poke. You don't really know what you're getting till you get it back and actually try it... lovely business, innit..?!?
CYMBALTA COMMERCIAL
Cymbalta is the antidepressant duloxetine. I like the little tonkie doggie.
But isn't this voice-over offputting!!
There are medications out there I don't know why they are not giving them to you. I know that you may have to take a few different ones but it would be better then you feeling like crap. I have read that H can stay in your system for at least one year for heavy long-time users but I don't know if that is true. But that you will continue to have side effects for that long they just get fewer and farther between. I am wondering if it is hard to pinpoint what could help you because you need to be totally clean for a long time so they can determine exactly what it is?
ReplyDeleteThey won't touch my son as far as trying to give him something for his depression, anxiety, etc. until he is 100% clean for at least 30 days although he can take something to help wean him off the other drugs. They told him they thought he had an allergic reaction to weed and alcohol but since he won't stop either it makes him add in H, xanax and a few other things to try to feel normal. He says he needs all that stuff.
It seems like your mind plays tricks on you. And any drinking or any drug use is very harmful physcologically well you probably know that since you wrote that someone told you that. They told that to my son as well.
Have you given up? It seems like you have a fight within yourself of wanting to not use but that it makes you feel better for that moment and then it doesn't.
I know my son wants to stop but then he will replace it with something else and then will go right back to it. I feel so bad for you.
I would estimate that the crack shown in your picture to be about 75.00 USD worth of Crack. About a quarter
ReplyDeleteI just found out that I don't leave Arizona until Wed. I thought I left tomorrow Tuesday.
I wish dr would prescribe opiates for mental anguish.
I wish we could chat.
Love you.
That's a very good sign when you don't even feel tempted (I wish I was at that stage!). I know you're thing was heroin, but still, kudos!
ReplyDeleteI used to attend some NA meetings in Florida when I lived there. I'm still not sure if it helped. What's your experience with it?
You let the cat out of the bag. You wear glasses. Now I want you to look up a photo of Jeffery Dhamer... A serial killer from Wisconsin, and then look up Kurt Cobain, then tell me which one you look more like. Dhamer whore glasses, Kurt wore fake glasses. Horned rimmed. I like horn rimmed glasses the best. Jeffery Dhamer wore these 1980's glasses that every serial killer you see wears.
ReplyDeleteGod damn it, I'm so curious as to what you look like. It nags at me sometimes.
I've alway been interested in people, but never liked them. I'm not sure if I'm just interested in you, or if I like you.
I do love the Gledwood I know. Which I imagine isn't too much. I'm sure your not allowing people to know every facet of your life. I want to know every facet of your life.
Why can't you be open and like I am?
I don't even know if your real name is Gledwood.
I'm sorry Gledwood, I just get in these moods. I want to know who my friend is, what he looks like, and is he even real?
I'm just commenting to see if my photo shows up when I publish my comment. See I leave a photo. Okay I'm off it. Nevermind. Sorry. YOur probably sleeping right now.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you didn't do that crack. Listen to the psychiatrist about the drugs and drink. I can't imagine they will help your mood. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI wish you had a smart phone so you'd know when I commented immediately. I want you to post something new. Its later there than here. What are you doing?
ReplyDeleteDude, you probably have an extra thirty hits on your blog today, I've been popping in on a regular basis waiting for your next post. Now I know how you feel when I don't post.
ReplyDeleteIts like we go through waning and waxing times of blogging, yours oppisate of mine.
I feel all alone in this world without you. Hopefully tomorrow or Thursday after I get home and get to see my friend(one friend)I won't feel so lonely. Isn't that sad I only have one friend, and she's a junky, all my other friends are clean and doing well for themselves and want nothing to do with me.
The one good thing about going back to Wisconsin tomorrow or today depending on when you read this, it will be cold so I can wear a sweat jacket to cover my arms, full of bruises, and tracks. I found a good new vein. Thank god, its on my arm. I thought all my viens on my arms were cashed, but I guess god grants some wishes.
I hope your alive. I worry that you've oded or killed yourself, or are in the nut house wishing you were out. I hope your manic and living high on your own mental illness.
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