I AM IN A NORMAL MOOD at long last! It's just after midday and I haven't been to sleep all night. That's because I was up all last night too (and slept yesterday daytime) and I need to get my sleep cycle back. I was feeling tired earlier but I'm fine now. I'm supporting myself on black coffee but striving to be moderate in my use. Last night I had four cups in two hours and started getting racing thoughts, pacing around and feeling hyper. Basically I had drunk too much. I drank cyder to try and bring myself down. One cyder. Which I shouldn't have done. My aim is to be drinking no alcohol at all as soon as possible.I was feeling horrible earlier on. Horrible and sweaty. But I'd forgotten my methadone. I've drunk it now; I feel fine.
No heroin today. I can't go near it as it would make me sleep, which I don't want. At night I'm hopefully going to sleep anyhow, so gear would be a waste of money.
My sleep has gone all over the place recently and my appetite is lousy. I can't eat very much because I feel this sense of nausea. It's just appetite-loss, not a feeling that I'm actually going to puke. I've had an entire tin of corned beef now. I need to eat the bare minimum anyway. I need to lose weight.
I'm just glad this depressed mood seems finally to have run away. I can never be sure about anything but it's gone for now. I know it always comes back.
There's a mood stabilizer called Lamictal (lamotrigine) that's supposed to counter the downs more than the ups so I'm asking for that.
I'm watching Charlton Heston in Moses. Wish me luck!!!
I'm glad to hear you're feeling better Gleds. :)
ReplyDeleteGood to hear your in a stable mood. I'm on Lamictal. I just got mine upped from 100mgs to 200mgs. The doctor also put me on Ablify. This is all to sort out my moods.
ReplyDeleteI too am in a good mood, but I used. When I woke up I wasn't really sick, and not really depressed. Just normal. I guess I just can't stand being normal when I have dope in the house. I'm almost out, so I'll have to face life head on sooner rather than later.
I tried staying up late lastnight, but as it does, the heroin put me to sleep.
must go and read the post you posted at 3:39am
x
AKELAMALU: I'm trying to stay that way now. I have to do sleep deprivation even though I'm tired in order to wait for tonight to sleep. Really don't want to get into sleeping during the day.
ReplyDeleteANNA: opiates opiates. Have you heard of that thing called PAWS? I can't remember what it stands for but it means symptoms you still have weeks after coming off opiates. Psych drugs might actually cover that up so you might be lucky.
Yeah that lamactil sounds quite good. I was considering asking for that by name. I've had years on end of varying degrees of depression so I need something that makes it go away.
I don't know if they would give antidepressants anyway. They always felt too much like drugs for my taste.
Drugs drugs drugs. What I'm trying to stay away from.
Good Luck! I relapsed again. Don't think I'm done, though my family is done with me. This sucks.
ReplyDeleteyour family is done with you?
ReplyDeleteok well maybe they ought to find out about addiction and quit the unrealistic expectations
and start expecting you to BE ok when you FEEL OK
that would be a big start
it would also be a big start re the drug treatment programs of the world, especially those in America
the more you make addicts suffer THE MORE THEY WILL USE
simple very simple absolutely basic DRUGS 101 knowledge they choose to ignore every single time
good luck though you can do it
NA is good. if you have mental health problems beware in there they make out they understand them but really don't. all they understand is addiction: that's their specialism and that's what they're good at
best thing about NA is it's free and the people who run it, if you want to put it that way, are addicts themselves...
Charleton Heston bores the shit out of me. Not sure why.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
SB
I thought you said you were banging away at a boring post. No matter how boring you think it is, its still entertainment to us. Fuck all our lives our mundane and nothing good is ever on the telivison, which is why we read your blog.
ReplyDeleteI went through spurts where I didn't post in weeks, and my live was truely boring without Heroin or opiates in it.
Being back on makes me feel alive and dead at the same time.
As you say the attraction to heroin is because its deadly. I've always wanted to live on the edge. Half dead, half alive is what I feel on dope, but I want to feel fully alive. Can you tell me how to do that?
Wow I just looked at all the spelling errors on that comment, and all I can say, is I'm dumb.
ReplyDeleteSB: I know it's sad when somebody has Alzheimers and I know he was moved. But that public goodbye he issued was a bit narcissistic and pompous... doncha think?
ReplyDeleteANNA: that was a different post I never put up. All to do with how the Finnish language relates to Estonian... etc etc. I'm sure you would have found it less than fascinating. It barely mentioned anything to do with gear so I'm sure you'd not have found it even mildly entertaining.
How to feel fully alive: doesn't a manic episode do that for you? It certainly did for me. Despite the downsides, my full-on mania made me fully alive, fully myself, fully functioning from what I could have discerned. If you wonder why I go on about mania so much, that's it!
So what does mania do for you if not that??
Pls rsvp: I'm bemused!
There's nothing dumb about you Anna. Who cares about a couple of spellings that don't match the dictionary's idea of perfect spelling in the English language. Did you know the first English dictionary only appeared in the 1700s; before that people spelled how they imagined a word ought to look and nobody ever had any trouble. The idea of "good spelling" is a purely modern thing. It's caused poor children who happen not to have a good grasp of this obscure aspect of English endless condemnation over something that ought to be flexible anyhow. Just have a look through most forums and you'll see how people spell as they please and can be super-articulate nonetheless. Dump this shitty idea where it belongs: down the lavatory. And spell as you please!!
I've got to go I kept thinking I was in a locked steel room. My mind is wondering something cronic despite the heroin and the valium I've had my mind races all over the place still. I feel such a heck of a lot superior to anything I've felt for weeks on end. I HATE FEELING DEPRESSED. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!
ANNA GRACE: ME AGAIN. PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU FEEL IN MANIA. DON'T YOU GET HIGH? DON'T YOU FEEL EVEN A BIT HAPPY? HOW HIGH DO YOU GO AND HOW DOES THIS COMPARE TO DRUGS? IF IT COMPARES TO DRUGS THEN WHICH DRUGS. PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW IT COMPARES OR DOESN'T COMPARE. IS THE MANIC EUPHORIA LESS INTENSE THAN THE DRUG EUPHORIA FROM SPEED? OR COKE? MINE WAS NOT ALWAYS STRONGER BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NICER. WHEN I WENT TRULY MANIC HIGH I WENT EVEN HIGHER THAN I'VE BEEN ON DRUGS, ANY DRUGS. AND IT FELT TRULY FANTASTIC. I SPENT ABOUT 3 DAYS ON A PARTICULARLY INTENSE SUPER-DUPER HIGH. THIS IS WHY I WAS RANTING AND RAVING ABOUT IT WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED INTO DESPAIR. ALTHOUGH I CERTAINLY WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND TOTALLY UN-TOGETHER FROM MY MANIC EPISODE, I TRULY WAS FEELING HIGH... HIGHER THAN DRUGS IN THE END, AS I SAY.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW NOT EVERYBODY FEELS THE SAME, AND SOME PEOPLE GET MORE OF A BUZZ OFF OF DRUGS. ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
DOES YOUR MANIA FEEL TOO IRRITABLE TO BE TRULY HIGH? OR WHAT? WHAT HAPPENS? PLEASE EXPLAIN, I'M FASCINATED.
SURELY THE MEDS DO SOMETHING TO STOP YOU GETTING FULLY MANIC. SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ON THE MEDS AS OPPOSED TO OFF THEM? WHAT'S THE DOWNSIDE, FOR YOU, FROM MANIA.
I KNOW MANIA IS NOT HAPPINESS. IT'S NOT HAPPINESS TO ME. IT MADE ME FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND EVEN WHEN THE MANIC PHASE FADED AND DEPRESSION SET IN, I STILL FELT BETTER ABOUT MYSELF THAN I HAD BEFORE, BECAUSE THE MANIA HAD RAISED MY SELF ESTEEM...
AS I SAY YOU COULD MAKE A POST ABOUT ALL THIS
NOBODY PROPERLY EXPLAINS HOW THEIR BIPOLAR MAKES THEM FEEL, ESPECIALLY THE MANIC PART. CAN'T YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME...? PLEASE??!
Charleton Heston turned out to be a huge right winger. That tainted him for me.
ReplyDeleteI posted about my mania. Its not as clear as you are in explanation.
ReplyDeleteWere you trying to yell at me with that comment in all caps? If so ur too funny.
Anna: I just didn't want you to miss it. I was wondering how you felt in mania. Nobody ever explains that stuff, so I don't know how other people feel...
ReplyDeleteSyd: wasn't he a massive pro-guns champion?
Only thing I don't understand about guns in America, how come it's legal to possess one yet seemingly illegal to use it for what it's designed for? For killing people!
PLEASE SOMEBODY: I wish somebody would explain the law in America re guns. It seems somehow possible to get a license so lax you're allowed to keep a loaded gun by your bed or in the glove compartment of your car... and yet when people use them they end up in court on homicide charges. The whole point of a gun is to shoot people. How can it be legal to own a deadly weapon and yet illegal to use it for the purpose to which it was intended..?!~??
ReplyDeletePLEASE SOMEBODY, I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD EXPLAIN..!!<!!???