WEDDING FEVER has hit Britain. I love it!!10:07 Elton John came into the Abbey about 20 mins ago. Apparently guests are allowed in up to 11am.
I keep looking at those ladies in hats, wondering what they're going to do when they need the loo. There are, apparently, no "lavatories" available in Westminster Abbey.
Why are all those guests so early. Wouldn't you hang out in the park opposite with a White Cyder then dash in at the last minute? I would.
Why are the royal family departing in CARS. THE BRIDE IS SUPPOSED TO TRAVEL IN A GLASS COACH. THE REST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY TRAVEL IN OPEN CARRIAGES. They're going out in cars; back in carriages. You won't see a bloody thing.
10:12 Prince William has just left Clarence House. He's wearin red. O why o why did he have to go in a vulgar old CAR??!!
And poor Kate is only going to be the Dutchess of Cambridge not a princess. Stingy old Queen.
I was hoping for the title of Duke for myself (or Marquess at the very least). If they'd throw in a (gigantic) stately home I'd willingly accept.
O man I could do with a tin of corned beef. I'm so nervous.
10:15 now they're travelling through some old house. "The horseguards building".
Prince Harry wants be known as "the best man" usually they're known as the copanion of honour or something.
Past the Cenotaph. Lots of saluting going on. They're saluting the royal dead, apparently.
I can't believe they're travelling by car. Honestly. Why not be done with and go in my Aunty Ann's old banger? It's a mark II Ford Cortina. That would lower the tone even more. Wills and Harry are now trotting up to the abbey. We can see the bells from underneath.
When the service is complete there "will be a special peel lasting 3 hours". Yes Camilla Parker Bowles will be peeling an orange.
There are TREES up the abbey. Who planted them, I'd like to know.
Do you know what I'm going out for a fag. I can catch the bits I missed on the rerun. Hey I've found a £5er! Corned beef and cigs coming up!!
10:34 a bunch of nobodies turning up eg lady Sarah Chattham (who?)
10:35 Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles are leaving Clarence House.
10:44 HM the Queen is riding in a barely seethroughable car. Getting out. She's wearing yellow. Philip looks quite funky. My corned beef won't open properly so I tore it half open with bolt cutters and am excavating with a butter knife.
I notice the Queen kissed some nobody on both cheeks. Poor Camilla, the duchess of Cornwall just curtsied and the Queen briskly turned away!
10:51 Kate Middleton has just got in her giant car. The dress looks massive. If it doesn't have at LEAST a 20ft train I'll be livid. In fact it should match or outdo Diana's train EASILY. If it doesn't I'm writing in to complain.
Now the car is riding down the street. We can't see her we can only see the car. Thanks HM the Queen for putting such a boring day together.
10:58 Now they're driving through the old building. I just need a cigarette.
O man the car isn't full of dress. Dianas overflowed from the carriage. That means a pathetic train, I expect.
She's at the abbey. Her dad should get out first and help her out. Sarah Burton designed the dress, we have just been told.
O man the train is barely 10ft long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ivory and white satin gazelle, they seem to be saying. O Kate you should have got a bigger dress.
Cartier tiara. Loaned by the Queen (too stingy to give it away.)
My corned beef is all stuck in the tin.
Walking up the isle dad in hand. Silence. Hey they're GETTING MARRIED IN 5 MINS!!
Why all those ridiculous hymns in the service. If it were mine I'd have the choir sing the song. Not a load of halfwitted celebrities, military top brass, diplomats, foreign heads of state and British royalty dirging away at the psalms.
Am I the only one who thinks this is very toned down? I was expecting glass carriages, soldiers dressed up like a pack of playing cards, hysterical screaming and a ONE HUNDRED FOOT LONG TRAIN.
A drunk Princess Margaret is another glaring ommission. God rest her soul.
11:08 Wills Harry Kate and her dad standing in line at the altar. Harry looks really embarrassed. He is blushing like a babboon's backside.
11:09 o man FUCKING HYMNS. Cut all this timewasting PLEASE and GET MARRIED.
11:13 who on earth is this man reading out this stuff about marriage's holy estate? Is that the archbishop of Canterbury.
It sounds like the AB of C but that ginormous beard has gone. O the AB of C has appeared from nowhere.
11:17 now they're doing the vows.
11:20 where was the line "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Are they married or not? They've done the vows. The ring is on. Now ANOTHER BORING HYMN.
I'm reading Anna Grace's blog about a woman shitting in the prison shower until this dirge is over.
Although jail was very boring, but there is a lot that goes on day to day that was abnormal. Like this old bitch that was in the Metal health unit with me and she was disgusting. She farted, didn't wear underwear or a bra, so you could spell her sticking pussy. She wouldn't even take a whores bath. Then her tits sagged down to her waist. Watching her eat made me sick to my stomach. Then there was the lady who was mentally retarded, who had put her kids in a dresser and set it on fire. She took a shit in the shower, and the guards tried to make me clean it up. I was like hell no, that's your job. The guards tried to tell me that I would get points as a good inmate. I asked would it get me out faster, they said nope. So I said fuck off and die asshole, you clean up that shit and blood. She was also on her period. That's another little taste of what I faced while in jail. BTW, all three of the retards kids died, but she was found not fit to stand trial, so she was waiting to be sent to the State Mental Institution.
Here on TV its all about the Royal Wedding. Just get that damn wedding over with, and why do us American's care. Its a different country. I'd much rather be English than American, so I shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. I'm mostly Irish, but no English blood that I know of. I haven't done my genealogical charting, but from what I've been told, I'm mostly Irish on both sides. I do like Irish accents. Its English, but you still can't understand them. I need a bloody fag. So I'm going to end this post.
Thanks Anna.
11:31 What am I saying about choirs? Very gormless singing. Just hurry up and get MARRIED why don't you!!
I'm glad the year is not 1492, else I'd end up in the Tower for saying all this. Aristocrats like me got luxury accommodation up there, so I'd be OK, as long as I had a kilo of opium to pipe away on.
11:32 now yet another speech about marriage. From some man I haven't a clue who he is. He looks like he was picked up from a homeless shelter and quickly poshed up. I wonder if that one's had a drink or two this morning.
11:36 this same homeless man is STILL whittering away. Who the hell is he?
"The holy spirit is quickened within us and can refine our lives."... Platitudes galore.
11:38 some grey-clad nun type woman is sitting right by Wills? What is she doing there?
Oh he's not homeless. He's the Bishop of London.
11:39 and now yet more musical interludes. Honestly does this have to go on so long??!
1142 the choir are still moaning away. I'm making a strong black coffee. I need some relief from this.
11:44 yet another "spiritual" nobody from that tamborine-banging church they call the Established Church of England reading out the "Lord"'s prayer. Can't they make up their own words?
11:46 that idiotic Archbishop of Canterbury is on. Sorry if this report is boring. The SERVICE is dull beyond the pale. Blithering on and on about the spiritual unity betwixt Christ and his Church WELL NOT THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, THAT'S FOR SURE. Endless petty repetitions. They could have condensed this guff down to 2 minutes. Cut out all the hymns and got married in 5 mins. I wonder if the Queen is nodding off..? She is after all 85 and must find her tolerance for bullshit diminishing considerably with age. Yeah probably she is asleep. Note the cameras aren't on her. O yes 11:48 they are. She looks suspiciously like she's just woken up. HM the Queen does have an exceptionally squeaky voice; she must be able to hit notes well in excess of a coloratura high F.
11:50 "let us pray" YET AGAIN!!! For crying out loud. I need heroin now. And it's that man who looks like he's out of prison on licence for a sexual offence who's doing the praying.
11:51 trumpet blasts. National Anthem. Hopefully it's all over. And why were they never pronounced man and wife? Are they still technically living in sin as of this moment? Her Majesty isn't singing the National Anthem; she's not allowed to.
11:53 "William and Catherine are now a married couple" AT LAST. They must sign 3 registers. 2 royal, one public. All this signing takes place in the chapel of St Gledwood the Confessor. Supposedly "the holiest part of the abbey" ~ as if any part is holy at all.
11:55 oh no the choir are about to burst into groaning yet again. Those schoolboys look dead embarrassed to be there in ruff collars. I wish my old dealer were on.
O I forgot I'd given up heroin. See how irksome stressfull life events are to the mental health? O I'm truly bored now I'm switching over. BBC2 has a film with a woman tipping her head back; ITV has a better picture than BBC so I've switched over; channel 4 has an advert with a kitten riding the back of a tortoise. I want to go back to bed now. I hate bank holidays. Just an excuse for nothingness, nothingness all day. Now I'm stressing about something to do with somebody else. Akkkh people people people. Spare a thought for Anna Grace she got a habit on 2g of heroin (one china white, one tar) and a few Dilaudid she got off a kindly old dr. Now she's living on her Dad's pain pills and dreading the day he gets back to find them gone.
12:01 I don't remember former Royal Weddings being as boring as this. Princess Eugenie is glancing about in confusion; I don't blame her.
12:02 all those bishoply nobodies are making their way to the Great West Door. Good sign. Means this church bollocks is nearly over and the carriage rides can begin. I only tuned in for the horse drawn carriages; I can't believe there were none in part one.
12:04 "The return of the Prince and Princess is heralded by fanfare" so she IS a princess. Good.
12:05 Aw the married couple ambulate slowly down the red carpet.
That fanfare was composed by an RAF pilot. Sounds like it too.
12:08 Hey the Happy Couple leave the church to roars, cheers and confetti. A spectacular carriage pulled by white donkies awaits them.
12:11 the donkies are trotting away to roars of enthusiasm and applause.
"Four windsor greys pulling the carriage"! Apparently they aren't donkies at all!
12:12 HM the Queen looks in a good mood.
12:13 Trotting up the road with the full playing card style military jingling behind.
12:14 Well i see why they arrived in cars now; it's all about contrast. Glittering donkey-drawn carriages. Lots of waving. Camilla Parker Bowles. Donkeys trotting all over the place.
MARRIED AT LONG LONG LAST!! SMILES AND CHEERS. HURRAH!
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
LAUGHING BUDDHA: TAPU
Thanks for the shout out.
ReplyDeleteI slept through most of the wedding, but I did see the kiss. A peck, I wanted to see some toung with her legs wraped around Wills waist, then he gets a raging boner, and he rippes off her dress and fucks her right there on the spot. I guess I'm in the mood for some porn. Why don't they make live porn from the roaly family. I'd watch the Queen fuck Phillip. Who wouldn't?
Finally this wedding is over with, no more 24 hour coverage of pre wedding bullshit. Again why do us American's care? Probably because every American wants to be a Pincess. Not me, I'd rather have a dirty guy who's totally off his rocker, and try to change him into another me. Isn't that sweet. LOL!
Thanks for updating me on the wedding. I hate to admit it I wanted to watch it. I care, because I want Wills to be a dirty strung out skinny guy who'd make me a strung out dirty princess. We'd have amazing sex. Wills and I are the same age. Kate's a bit older than me and Wills.
Is Kate older? I thought they were the same age.
ReplyDeleteYou'd have to be really "poised" to be a royal. Ie have no obvious moods at all. That's the way to royal success. Saying nothing, smiling when expected to and being totally uncontroversial.
Harry experimented with weed when he was younger, then got taken to a drug rehab full of heroin addicts who of course started on weed. Personally I think coffee drinkers ought to get the same treatment as most drug addicts do start on caffeine before weed. It's only fair that they get dragged into heroin rehab too... Know what I mean!
I LOVED this post! I laughed!
ReplyDeleteI was awake but forgot about the wedding being on and read myself back to sleep so I've only caught a couple clips.
I think Kate's dress and general appearance states that she has no intention of making the mistakes Diana made.
I'm glad someone got some entertainment out of it. It was supposed to be my stream of consicousnsssssss.
ReplyDeleteIt was a wonderful day but I do wish they could at least have amped up on the excitement of it all, bringing out more trotting donkies with glittering carriages etc etc etc.
I really miss those Tireless Trotter Donkeys who pull donkey-drawn coaches.
You're right about the No Diana Comparison but if it were me I'd be SURE to bamboozle and buck that trend with the LONGEST train possible. You only get married once when you're truly in love (widowhood excepting) so it would be a far better thing if only she could have had a long long train, I would have adored that!!
Hohumm...
EXCELLENT DAY THOUGH WHAT A GREAT DAY A GREAT DAY A FUCKING FANTASTIC DAY!!!
PRINCESS KATE PRINCESS KATE WE ADORE YOU :-)
All I can say is that this is brilliant. Best commentary on the wedding yet.
ReplyDeleteGood! Shame the professional commenters leave out what sandwiches/bagsls they're eating, and when THEY are popping out for a quick Marlboro Light!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you like the Anna Grace Intermission. I found her blog hilarious today ;-)
I tried to answer your questions about guns in America on my blog. I tried to make sense out of the sensless. I'm not very eloquent about it. I just banged out a quick blog. Not all to do with guns. Guns and stealing my dad's pills. Very dull.
ReplyDeletex
Thanks for saying my write up was witty. I try my best. I relieved the boredom of the big day by tapping my comments into the computer as events unfolded.
ReplyDeleteYour post is NOT BORING AT ALL. They never are. I love your blogs. Yes we can get cybermarried if you like. We can be partners in cybersom for ever and ever.
We could do a blog set in a women's prison mental health unit. If I'd have known it was that entertaining in there poor Valerie would have got locked up with all the nutcases too. As it was, I think she was in the drugs unit "suffering my poor little heart out on only 800mg methadone..!"
Thanks for putting up that stuff about guns: I never understood the law on that one. So you're allowed to keep a loaded gun on the night table? And to use it in your own home on any uninvited guest? Wow. Here people have been prosecuted for defending their own property. You're not even allowed to knife intruders, which I think is ridiculous. Break into someone's house and you deserve all you get in my book.
So it's illegal to carry a gun in your glove compartment unless you have a special permit? Is that what they mean by "firearms offences" in America? I also hear about people being prosecuted for carrying unregistered guns.
Here it's really hard to get a gun licence. You must be a farmer (for a shotgun) or a member of a shooting club (for a handgun); in either case the weapon may never be kept loaded and must be locked away in a gun cabinet.
If you have mental health "issues" you'd be denied a gun permit. Some bullshitty pillar of the community who wouldn't really know you eg the Chief of Police, must vouch for you on the gun applicaiton. America sounds such fun, what with gun shops where you can just buy guns and ammo over the counter. You never see them here. In fact I don't even know where they get guns and ammo from. I know from the newspapers you can supposedly get a handgun plus bullets for about a hundred dollars... that's probably too cheap to be true. Considering how illegal they are it's probably closer to a thousand dollars. Especially if loads of ammo came with it. Where on earth you'd get spare bullets when you ran out I've no idea.
If I had a gun I'd like one of those police-issue style ones that you just slam a magazine into. The type that looks really cool fitted with a silencer...
The Royal Family are well into shooting by the way but only deer and game birds: pigeons and partridges etc. It must be pretty cool eating dinner you've shot yourself.
HAHA well since I only stayed long enough to check out the dress (yes I'm shallow like that)thanks for the full rundown.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to finally have a husband. Be it a invisable husband. Luckily we can still have sex with other people, but I'll always keep you in mind while shaging.
ReplyDeleteI see you edited your post. I don't mind if you ever use any of my post on your blog. I get most of my traffic from you. So thanks.
Tomorrow I'm going to be sick until six pm. I wish I didn't have to wake up until 5:45pm so I could get well, and not sit and worry about my dad's pills.
Your probably off to bed by now. I'm going to try to stay up until 5am and sleep as long as possiable into the day. I always say that, but my body gets so tired by the time 10pm comes around I'm out like a light.
Well, good night cyberhubby.
x
BAINO: that church service took AGES I was so bored it was unreal. You're lucky you missed it. Those bishops kept on and on repeating trite phrases about the sanctity of marriage, they really started getting to me. If you want to see the wedding, the condensed versions on the news are far better.
ReplyDeleteANNA: Edited my post? No. Why has something gone that was there? Or appeared that wasn't there? You're making me think there's goblins in the computer now.
I think your post made a classic intermission in that boring royal wedding. I wasn't really in the mood during the wedding hence the sarcasm. When I watched highlights on the news I was far more in the mood for the wedding. The smiles etc. Kate is really beautiful. Wills was lucky to find a girl like her... There aren't many about.
How come you're going to be sick until 6? You're meeting somebody at 6pm?
Night night my cyberdarling.
You didn't edit it, I just missed the part where you asked people to think about me and my dad's pills. I was too interested in you commentary. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteI'm going sick because I have to wait until 6pm to pick up. Unless if by the Grace of God, the guy I sent to pick up H for me actually gets it. I only gave him a 20 bill for just a good hit in the morning. I doubt I'll get that tonight though. He said tomorrow at 6pm too.
I'm glad you're not going sick even if it does mean your Dad's pills mysteriously disappearing are you SURE he didn't leave them out "for" you and is too respectable to let on..? It looks distinctly that way to me. If he goes right into one the second he finds out then no he is genuinely upset. If he waits until he's in a piss about something else then brings that up then he didn't care all that much to begin with. He has morphine; his dr can script the missing oxys back as long as that doesn't keep happening. You should be sorted out with what you need very soon indeed; 6pm is midnight here and it's neary 10pm; only a couple of hours to go. Do you get a good deal on buying methadone as opposed to heroin? How much does it cost for 100mg?
ReplyDeleteI stole my dads Morphine a long time ago. He only has Oxycodone now and I took them all and replaced them with aspirin that look similar.
ReplyDeleteMethadone is costing me 60$ for 100mgs.
That's really expensive for 100mg; is that the normal price?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if its expensive I've never really bought Methadone off the black market
ReplyDeleteThis was one of your best pots ever. I laughed out loud over your commentary. You could be a comedian writer. A British friend wrote that the wedding and pageantry was "chest inflating" stuff. Puleeeaase, I thought.
ReplyDeleteAnna: I bought some off the black market when I was mad. I had a thing that the end of the world was coming and I'd need it desperately. It was cheaper than that though. I paid the same money and got a LOT more.
ReplyDeleteSyd: I want a job on USA Today as Royal Correspondent. They'd probably put me in the guillotine for what I wrote though..!
ps Anna I remember hearing before black market methadone was a LOT more expensive in America than it was here. Here you used to be able to go down to central London and buy that or Valium on the street. I've only ever bought Valium down there, years ago, when I was trying to steer clear of heroin and had terrible anxiety. If only drs recognized that and gave Valium to clean addicts there would be a hell of a lot less relapsing going on...
ReplyDeleteYou should have done as I did, in boring moments (music and speeches) I dusted my cat collection, you could have cleaned your sitting room instead of getting unnerved ! I found the wedding wonderful but the hats hilarious ! Some were really made for carnival !
ReplyDeleteYeah they really did go to town on the hats. I had to take in every moment for my faithful readers to get this souvenir-edition report!
ReplyDeleteA masterful bout of live blogging Gledwood! Far better than anything Huw Edwards souted
ReplyDeleteYeah I wish they'd give me a job at the BBC I'd be really good at giving live coverage.
ReplyDeleteI love your report on the Wedding. Did you notice the Queen only looked happy once everything was OVER?
ReplyDeleteWouldn't you hang out in the park opposite with a White Cyder then dash in at the last minute? I would.
I would, too!
Yes I DID notice she looked well happier after than during. I honestly hadn't expected that church service to be so exceedingly boring.
ReplyDeleteHey I'd have joined you for a cyder inthat park ;-)