IT IS QUARTER TO EIGHT. I am in a thunderous mood and the weather matches it. Lightning. I thought I felt OK earlier, then I went out and came back feeling lousy. I don't know why. I slept 5 and a half hours last night and thought that was really good. I'm doing all I can to sleep as little as possible on the theory that it might make me feel better.I never bought any gear today even though I have 30something pounds on me. Heroin will still be there next week. What's the difference between using it today and then. Since I don't intend to be using it in the future, I may as well make that future start today. Which makes me want to curl up and die. When I gave up before I was all over the place. Now I'm perfectly sane. All I want is my elevated mood back. That's the only hope I live for. The elevated mood felt better than any drugs; it was longer-lasting and free. That is my only hope.
I'm watching some film called Mary of Scotland starring Katherine Hepburn. I can't believe I paid good money for it. I wasn't even on drugs. There's such a lousy DVD selection in Sainsbury's that one stood out in comparison to the rest of the schlock on offer.
There's nothing else to write about. I bought cold roast chicken from Waitrose but it was horribly flat in flavour compared to Sainsbury's over-industrialized salt-and-glucose version. I prefer the artificial flavouring. Maybe I'll buy one of those £1 dried noodle bowls to chop it up and shove in.
All I'm thinking about today is my drug of choice, wishing the supermarkets sold it at £1 per 1000mg pure heroin hydrochloride. Then you could have a raging habit on 50p a day. If everyone was on heroin this country would be OK. Heroin never caused me any problems. It's just the other stuff surrounding it that did.
I'm so angry with those half-arsed criminals who couldn't even assure a constant supply to this island for the past 5 months. I'd rather stop than be beholden to them. I'd rather die. The main attraction of heroin was that it was deadly. And sure enough more than half of the old crowd I knew seem to be dead. It often has more to do with alcohol, poor diet and lifestyle and the steady consumtion of crack. But they're gone.
I wish I had no feelings. I feel very deeply hurt.
O man this film is awful. Gotta go. Hope Eggster or the Passover is tolerable wherever you are.
I'm so sorry you feel hurt.
ReplyDeleteThe Heroin was white, with specks of brown in it. The middle man bought ten grams, and I bought one gram. So I watched as he weighed out the baggies, then reset the scale, put the gear on it, and sure enough 11 grams. Then I sat there while the middle man put 10 grams in little baggies of .02g, which took forever. I don't know how they tie those little knots so tight.
Here you can tell your dope has been cut when it comes in tinfoil.
Taking a break wanted or unwanted from dope is so bleak. I eat up Vailum like they're going out of style, and I take Ambien to try to fall asleep, and it has a paridoxial effect.
Tomorrow is Easter for us, not looking forward to that.
Have you used up all that gram already? Wow. What am I saying I used to use up a gram in a day easily. When I was bingeing I did a gram each morning before I left the house.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing about Easter I don't mind now is the Bible-bashing TV programmes about the ancient world, I quite like them, never used to watch them
And there should be a good film on. Somewhere. If I ever get round to checking the TV guide
Hi Gled,
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon. Happy Easter.
Janice~
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ReplyDeleteDo you draw? I mean pencil, paper...?
ReplyDeletePost something new, so when I come back from Easter Lunch I have something to read. Also could you put up a button so I can get your blog emailed to me. Just go to gadgets and I think its right up top.
ReplyDeleteI didn't use up the whole gram. I'm using as little as possiable to keep my mood up, and not go out on the nod. My dad is around and would notice me nodding for sure.
Oh, Gleds, I hope your Easter Sunday has been better than Saturday! Simi and I are thinking of you. xx woof!
ReplyDeleteJANICE: i kind of feel better depressed-wise but not somehow right. i don't know how. if i could explain i would!!
ReplyDeleteROSIE: i wish i could draw. properly. strange you ask that i posted drawings up today (on youtube) that somebody else did during a psychotic break they're fantastic
ANNA: i've posted it up, try and tell me what you think of the manic art
PAT: easter was brilliant because i did it on nothing but coffee and natural sleep!!!!!
I think you could probably draw very well seeing the stuff that comes through your words. I get antidepreesents shoved at me from time to time but I haven't taken them for ages because they kill any creativity, drawing, music, writing, everything. It's interesting that most creative people are thought mentally unstable by everybody else.
ReplyDeleteI have a painting easel but no paints. I need canvas or board as well. Then I was going to try painting some 2x2ft panels for my walls. I think I'd be better at painting than drawing and I could do with some decorations...
ReplyDeleteJust get some really cheap fingerpaints and white or brown wrapping paper and start flinging paint.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good idea. But I'd really like to paint in artist quality or at least student quality proper art materials as soon as possible. That way I know I can sell my shit in a professional gallery. I'd like to be painting million-pound canvases like that guy who auctioned about $200,000,000 of his own art just as the recession was taking hold....
ReplyDeleteOne artist's style I particularly like is the graffiti-artist Banksy. If I could paint like that on canvas I'd be well made up!