IT'S 1:57AM. Some coffee I drank went straight to my head. I only drank 2 cups, several hours apart. I thought it was meant to be good to drink coffee, because it's not alcohol. How come it has to disagree with me so..?? I felt more energized than euphoric and my mood plunged down. I found myself posting in somebody's comments about female drug addicts who have babies and the whole issue is too depressing for words. And I wish I hadn't posted up my thoughts about death and dying here. It all seems incredibly childish, I know. I don't know what else I would have posted though.Tomorrow there is a Narcotics Anonymous meeting I can get to easily. So I'm probably going. I can't see any future in using heroin. Why on earth I ever started it, I'm not sure. That is a stupid thing to do.
I wish I would sleep, but it probably won't happen for a while. I feel like I've got a crack comedown: depressed and wiry at the same time. I never was a big crackhead. The effects of that stuff are so negative it was never something I wanted to have a big part in my life. I only say I was "addicted" to it in that I found it hard to kick it completely. For a long time I only bought one £10 rock a week ~ that's the smallest rock you can usually buy. I have barely any good memories of heroin and none at all of crack.
I lived in a crackhouse for a few years and saw what it does to heavy users. Even when it doesn't send people clinically psychotic it leaves lives in far worse tatters than heroin does. In fact I'd say that in the short time that I speedballed and smoked it heavily, it erased the small amount of joy that was left in the life of a heroin addict. It's nasty, nasty stuff; I wish I had never gone near it.
O well: tomorrow is another day.
PS: I just realized ~ methadone dose overdue. Dur. Hey I might sleep now...
N.A., way to go Gledwood, steps mate, steps ;o)
ReplyDeletei'm writing down a shopping list of normal things to get tomorrow. as in not drugs!!
ReplyDeletealso gotta go laundrette; not looking 4ward to that
Hi Gleds ~~Thanks for your comments and I am doing better each day. And
ReplyDeleteturning 77 tomorrow isn't so bad after what I have been through. I was annoyed that a kidney stone nearly took my life. I saw my doctor today and he said I almost had 2 heart attacks- very close to it, so I am lucky to be here.
Don't you plan on being a miserable
old man my friend - if you can really get well and sleep normally
You will be a great person as you
keep up with all the world news etc. So you might be an old white haired gentleman. If you didn't get off the heroin, you probably wouldn't reach my age and that woud have been a waste.
Take good care of yourself and do
what you have to do to get well.
Love, Merle.
You're right. I didn't WANT to live to an old age when I was chronically on heroin. I think most addicts are like me: more afraid of life than death!
ReplyDeleteHow did you know I was going to have white hair? You're right. My hair is going white and not grey. I really like it like that :-)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY :-)