these years. The downside is that I'm not sure I can hack being on methadone, and that's why ... you see that's why I end up saying I want to die because I'm THINKING. Thought is the root of all human problems. Man's greatest achievements ~ the buildings, bridges, railways of the world ~ all started life as thoughts before they were ever realized as physical constructions. Why are my thoughts so negative?See maybe I should stop blogging because I can't THINK of positive things to say.
I'm not SO lost I know what I want. I want to get this infernal house move OVER AND DONE WITH if it's happening. Then I ~//~
See I'm thinking about the council tax again. The tax I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO PAY. The tax that has resulted in piles of letters threatening bailiffs. I just wanna kill myself. When I started fucking up my life it was done with the deliberate intent of backing myself into a corner where suicide would be the only option. ~//~
OK this is what I was saying: I want to move house so I can just give up and go in the mental hospital. I've had enough. I want to go in the nuthouse. I don't care if I'm mentally ill or depressed or not depressed. I don't care about any of that. I just want to go in that nuthouse for the longest possible period of time and ideally never come out.I even started wondering about committing a crime so I could go in prison at least in there you don't get bailiffs on your back for Council Tax your solicitor says you shouldn't be paying because you're "severely mentally impaired". I have no idea how to sort this out. I never open my mail and haven't for years because it only ever contains threats. Threats of making me homeless. Threats of Bailiffs.
No I started thinking about prison because it's the only place they'll look after you now that the mental hospitals have been emptied out.
See it's all negative again. I don't know how the hell I'm going to come off drugs and survive.
Does ANYONE have any ideas? I see no future.
Well I don't think prison's the answer. There are more drugs there than on the outside or so I'm reliably told. Seek support. Deshane? Someone from NA?
ReplyDeleteI agree prison is not the answer.
ReplyDeleteYou know what you said about thinking? I think that you're right.
Distraction is a good tonic.
I mean to really get immersed in something. (not drugs)
You seem like someone with many interests.
There must be something else besides drugs that you really like to get you through the rough spots.
Have you tried citizens advice,i think if you've been on any benefits then you don't pay council tax,simple.But if they're threatening you with nasty letters they need to be told to fuck off.I have had similiar issues and went to citizens advice bureau and they even told me what to write,like lawyer speak and then the problem evaporated,seriously.They will sit with you and write and make phone calls on your behalf(if you're lucky and get a good one).I wish you luck.And i wish you weren't advertising anna grace's book here cos she hurt a lot of people.Oh well,never mind to quote the object of her sad obsession,kurt cobain....Annie x
ReplyDeleteYou were off heroin for a day so you weren't really serious about being fed up or wanting to quit. I read what you write here and hope that you will really want to quit heroin. But so far, you go back. It is so familiar to me--the excuses and the promises. If you are going to come off drugs and survive, then you have to quit using drugs!
ReplyDeleteSyd: some idiot who owed me £5 phoned up with all this crap would I buy in heroin and crack. When I heard crack I went nuts, like I always do because I'd rather jump off a cliff than smoke that shit. Anyway about 3 hours later I just bought 1x heroin for myself. I was pissed off with the methadone because it's supposedly a "high dose" and supposedly blocks the euphoria of heroin which just is not true. I want to get down as low as possible on methadone which conventionally (according to the clinics) you really need to be heroin free to do. This isn't actually true. You can use heroin once or twice a week and still reduce methadone. Reducing the methadone is more important to me in the short term than never ever touching heroin. The more I make that a big deal the more likely I am to fuck it up. I know what I'm like.
ReplyDeleteBaino: it was only desperation of not being able to cope that made me think that
Anon: my problem is I distract myself away from bothering to keep clean, tidy up, do any washing up, do anything except the very absolute essential fewest things each day I somehow lost sight of what is or isn't important Idon't know
Anon: CAB you're right.Our local one has been crowded out with illegal immigrants (masses and masses of them) which makes me think immigration should be dealt with at some separate buildling.
They weren't that amazing last time I tried them but fuck it better than nothing!
I tried using the free lawyer at the methadone service but they rotate every few weeks, nobody knows your case and the lawyer basically did absolutely nothing except when I was physically sat in the room with them
please lisen to me.
ReplyDeleteI no life is not good. You no life is a shit.My life is a shit, ma you no have a lisen nobody.
For me you not crazy. You become on the drugs,ma you keep get away and you then is okay.
I haved hard life to and I be so mixed up and not no what I have to do,ma I no involved nobody only me.
I okay now.
You be okay to, ma no let nobody make you hopeless, no let nobody teel you wrong that you no is right.