this is a really good tune. i'm not fulminating with rage this morning i slept from 1am till at least 4:30 so i'm doing really good i don't WANT to sleep any longer it will only bring me down.
Here is significance:~
A thousand questions running through my mind,
That I don't try to find the reason
And the logic in the world that God designed.
The reason why
A bird was given wings,
If not to fly
And praise the sky
With ev'ry song it sings.
What's right or wrong.
Where I belong
Within the scheme of things.
And why have eyes that see and arms that reach
Unless you're meant to know there's something more?
If not to hunger for the meaning of it all.
Then tell me what a soul is for?
Why have the wings unless you're meant to fly?
And tell me please, why have a mind
If not to question why?
You see, I spent years killing my life-force, never succeeding and now this: it comes back with vengeance. Every problem in my life boils down to energy. Too little, too much. Or self-esteem: too little/too much. You may not know this about me but I know it: if I'd had money success and power at a young age I would have turned into a monster of arrogance.
I do not understand life. Why is everything, EVERY SINGLE THING that seems good or alluring or exciting, why does all of it turn to shit in my hands? I can't even be in a good mood without a doctor saying it's mania. And why when I truly felt higher than high, why then was my mind run away like quicksilver, like a beautiful starburst. Why did I have to be raving mad when all I thought I was was happy. Happy. For once in my life happy. You know I have been unhappy ever since my parents divorced when I was 8. It was that moment when my Dad told me he and my Mum were no longer together I felt darkness fall across the world. The sun never rose again. I have only ever felt happiness from drugs or mental illness. That's why I like being mentally ill. Wouldn't you rather be insane than live with the reality the utter unbearable horror of this world? It's not fair; I never asked to be born and I'm lumbered with the responsibility of staying alive and for what? If I thought it would help I would kill my family to spare them the pain. If I didn't know that was a sin I would do it. Those lost souls who kill their young children are not motivated by viciousness but mercy: they are sparing innocent lives the sadness to come. Multiple sadness, disappointment, heartache, unspeakable horror and pain. Why must we be born into this world to see these things? There is not a single thing worth seeing that would be better left unseen; there is nothing worth living, nothing worth surviving that would not be better unsurvived. King Solomon once said the happiest people are babies who never were born. Vanity vanity vanity. All is in vain.
King Solomon also said "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man".
ReplyDeleteI disagree with you on all aspects of life being worthless. I have seen many glorious things. I have loved and been loved. I have known sadness and great pain, but it is all part of living. I accept that. I don't stay mired in the pain but look for what is good about people and life. Self-pity is about defeat. I stay out of self-pity as much as I can. I do those things that I enjoy and am with people who care and are uplifting. Just wanted to tell you that it is possible to truly relish this life.
ReplyDeleteWhat Syd said.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't fit into the rigid strictures of how society says you must feel or behave, then obviously you must be mad! I just think maybe you were born at the wrong time in history or perhaps into the wrong culture. In another time and place you would be lauded as a genius.
ReplyDeleteThink of the "rantings" of many great philosophers.
Maybe, in the words of Don McLean "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" (singing of Van Gogh of course)
But hang in there, because at some time in the future, society might just come to understand and accept the complex thoughts and philosophies inside your head that they currently reject.
You must blaze a trail for all who will come after you.
From Kiwigirl
Syd's right Gleds. We all question the whys of the world, we all see and feel differently that's what makes us the way we are. We can't control the ways of others we can only control the way we react. There's a lot of black in the world but there's so much more colour when you begin to look closer Start with playing some uplifting music. Go sit on a bench in the sun and watch the birds, look at the trees and sky and don't forget to write*!*
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above. Am too tired from chilling in the sun, playing in the sea,eating dinner cooked on a fire, built in the woods high on a mountain side & watching a beautiful sunset across the estuary. There is much worth seeing . . .I actually wish you were here.
ReplyDeleteI hope none of my children go through half of the stuff I have been through. But if one day they are as content as I am now . . .well . .who knows?
The money is not worth getting angry over. Some bloke did it to me a month ago . . ."O Di, you know I wont let you down, you're a single mum with 3 kids to feed, I aint gonna skank you of all people. Shit man do you really think I'm that much of an arsehole?" . . . well no I dint think he was, but he was (£30 Gone!!) his fucking loss :-) you'll reap what you sowed that day . . .& so will he. Hope & pray you feel "happier" tomorrow.
love di
x
http://youtu.be/7Axw_i0WxMk
ReplyDeleteOh gledwood,is a peak turning into a trough..?Try to not be attached to your thoughts,just watch them objectively if you can and see them pass.Its the other side of the coin,the joy turns to sadness without which you would not experience the joy......Can you do that.i mean,like watch your thoughts cos i know it ain't easy but if you can find your observer then your half way there.Today i thought i am 43 years old,if i'm lucky i got another 40 years and if they pass as quickly as the first 40 did then i better get on with enjoying my precious time and making it good...its over in the blink of an eye...
ReplyDeleteHi Gled,
ReplyDeleteI think all that your suffering through is part of your heeling. Try to stay strong.
Just keep going.
The only thing I can offer you is this--things will get better. Not today or tomorrow but soon.
And then?
And then you will have the rest of your life to watch sunsets/sunrises, walk on the beach, hike a mountain trail, or visit Germany or where ever you'd like to go.
Hang in there.
Janice~
thank y'all
ReplyDeletei don't think i was depressed i was moved by that song but i have held on to what i came to believe when i was unhappy for a long time: that nothing in life was ever worthwhile, nothing worth experiencing, nothing worth living; only death to look forward to. it's very hard to break away from that belief no matter how happy you feel in the moment......................