LAST NIGHT I had about 7 hours' sleep; that's not very much for me. I've been feeling headfucked and down of late; precisely how I feel when I'm about to become hyped up and hyper. Maybe I'm just depressed though.
I made a call today. I'm half interested in going back into counselling. But there are provisos: person-centred is out. I only did well in psychodynamic deeper counselling. No time limit. The 2 year time limit the time before last got extended by 6 months but 2.5 years was barely enough to scratch the surface. And lastly no fees. And I'm not getting into anything longterm in the London Borough of Evil where I presently and resentfully reside. I want to Go Home Again. Back Home Where I Belong.
I wish I could have some manic energy back. Darkness and winter are closing down around us.
I just wish I could feel OK again. I'm taking the pills; I'm taking the methadone. The methadone is doing my head in; dose is far too high. I want off that crap as fast as possible.
I try to structure my days with books in different languages but I have no drive. I want to curl into a ball. I'm too far gone to be OK again ~ maybe. Maybe that's my problem... Too far gone. Do you think so? I don't know any more. I've turned my attention back to my house and the giant clear-out session I still need to do. So that is where I am now. Clearing, clearing, clearing!
I don't think that you are too far gone. Doing the clearing will help. Also, what about going to the public library or a museum? Anything to get out of your own thoughts and stay active.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree with Syd, you need to get out of your house and head space. It's never too late to start your life over, and no-one is ever too far gone. I did it at 46yrs. old, by finally getting out of a 25 year poisonous relationship. Two years on I feel like my life is better than ever.
ReplyDeleteSo you can leave this old life of yours behind and start over, but it's not easy. Small steps.
Kiwigirl
Problem is when you get down (and I know how that feels) it's almost impossible to motivate yourself to do anything. It's a vicious circle. But you are never too far gone to be okay. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're still tr'eyeing. While depressed, eye have no desire to do a damn thing. You'll get it back. You're not "too far gone."
ReplyDeletethank y'all
ReplyDelete