to get to that overheated chemist's shop. Strangely, apart from feeling cold, I feel fine at home. As I say, it's only when I start moving myself that I get a disgusting sweat on that only evaporates a good couple of hours after sipping the noxious gunk I am prescribed. I feel my life is over now I'm no longer taking drugs. OK I do indulge about once a fortnight but I never feel the gear. I've had the odd bit of crack but I don't even like that. So I'm stuck in sobriety and hating it because I'm so unmotivated and down.I got a letter through because they are turning off the old analogue TV signal in London next April and I'm eligable for a Freesat dish and box, fully installed for just £67 ~ about $100 ~ giving me over 100 channels without any need to subscribe. So I'm thinking of going for it.
Apart from that no news. Just missed doctor's appointments (I felt to ill to go). And poor sleep. Up all night, in bed all day not wanting to get up. Then the dreaded trek to the methadone chemist and having to remove half my clothes in that ridiculously tropical shop. I stink because I have not had a shower in over a week, just half hearted attempts at washing over the sink. I don't want to be dirty but I just feel like a block of ice when I wake up. I need my methadone AT HOME so I can take it IN BED a good couple of hours before I get up. THEN I will be able to stomach showers, changing clothes, washing hair all the things normal people do. All the things addicts on methadone supposedly start doing again but cannot when the methadone is not in their hands. The longer this poisoning goes on the worse things will get. I just want off that noxious rubbish as quickly as possible. There is no earthly reason why I should experience any withdrawal whatsoever. If I reduced a dose of heroin by 5mg per week I wouldn't feel anything at all. So why should I feel the reduction in methadone? I'm fine once I've drunk it and waited the infernal amount of time that rubbish takes to come on (over two hours). But I'm not OK when I wake up in the morning. Unless the clinic give me control over drinking my own dose at home I'm launching a formal complaint and/or simply scoring my own methadone on the street so I can walk to the chemist without hot and cold flashes and flushing half the dose they give me. They probably wouldn't notice if I did that. I don't want to play around with my dosing but I'm getting more and more wound up on this point. I got advised to issue a formal complaint some weeks ago. Everyone else I know gets good treatment apart from me. It's almost as if they were deliberately eroding my mental health. Example: by insisting I go to group therapy which is only compulsory for convicted petty criminals. I went to two groups very reluctantly just so I could say I'd tried it. Then very happily turned my back on that complete waste of time. 90 minutes of patronizing rubbish I have heard a million times before. No thanks.
I'm not in the mood for NA because I don't go anywhere these days. I feel very run down and mentally exhausted. My mother did not seem to like the letter I wrote her explaining my past. She doesn't want to face my point of view. But she did tell some very interesting stories of her own which I'm sure she considers true. Viewpoint, viewpoint. It's all in the viewpoint.
Well I have to dash I'm on a public computer yet again. I will be back sooner if I can get to a computer that actually works, which many in this shop don't. Take care everyone and have a charming weekend...
Disappointing Gleds, youre sounding like a broken record. Have a shower the night before, no excuse to be stinky. It is a shame they won't give you the methodone to take at home but I guess there are those who abuse it. Hey, you'll get used to hot flushes. I've had em for a while! have a good one hon.
ReplyDeleteNo clean clothes!
ReplyDeleteI sweat like a disgusting pig, it is grotesque. Methadone should NOT do that to me. It is a "heroin substitute"; heroin doesn't do it. So if methadone is a substitute, it won't do it either.
Hey, it's good to see you back.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're not feeling well.
Does your bathroom have good eating? I remember at my granny's she had very little heat in the bathroom and getting undressed for a bath was misery.
Take care,
What is their reason for not letting you take home your meth?
ReplyDeleteMaybe they would let you take half home. Why do the fools want to make something that is already nigh on impossible, any bloody harder?
I know that methadone sweat. I have take home meth and gear in the evening but still wake up soaked in the stuff most mornings. It has a specific smell. A hint of fried onion? Yuk. You've done well to get down to 80ml. Hows the cigs going or staying? It was good to see you back yesterday. I hope you get some energy soon.
Take care
With love
Di x
Hmmm viewpoints between the generations are seldom if ever, the same.
ReplyDeleteBaino's right about the shower - try and get into the habit of having one late in the afternoon when it's warmer than late at night or first up of a morning. You know it's not good to miss your dr's appointment - when you're feeling too ill to go is actually the time you really have to go see the dr...
I know just how you feel,methadone is an awful substitute,but then most pharmaceuticals are,along with nasty side effects.People tell us to get over it,we did this to ourselves,no?Perhaps,we did,but when we seek help we expect help ,not moralistic nonsense and a wagging finger..We all know they have better ways of helping,but if you can't pay,you can't play...?One of the side effects of methadone is sweating,i found.It has made me reluctant to use public transport.I stick to my script most days,cos like you i still barely feel the gear and its ughh..sorry for the long post,i missed you!!
ReplyDeleteAnnie x
Taffeta: no heating at all in the bathroom!
ReplyDeleteBuggerlugz: I got changed to a new clinic totally against any wishes of mine and it's policy to make all new customers take it supervised, no matter how stable they might have been before...
Bimbimbie: the methadone is back on a level dose and not dropping so I have no excuse not to go straight in. I just lost it for a week, had no clean clothes, was dirty and pissed off at feeling ill bc of the methadone being reduced but I'm ok now...
Annie: I've never heard of a doctor putting their hand in the methadone cabinet. But they seem to be at the morphine/etc all the time!
Eyelick: i just want off methadone asap but don't know if I can handle the subutex switchover I wanna be on the absolute minimum methadone before I switch... how on earth anybody can hold down a job on methadone is beyond me. All this crap about it giving you your life back it doesn't really it just makes you feel nominally OK. I can't wait to have that toxin out of my body!
how on earth anybody can hold down a job on methadone is beyond me. All this crap about it giving you your life back it doesn't really it just makes you feel nominally OK."
ReplyDeleteYou've never had a job, much less a life to get back to begin with. Totally pathetic that you are content living off the system and doing nothing with your life. You're a total waste.
Of course I've had a job. Whether or not I had a life is a good question ~ hence methadone not being able to give one back, you're right there.
ReplyDelete