HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Relapse
EVERYTHING'S gone pear-shaped this past week. I completely lost my Mojo thanks to depression. Depression turned me to heroin. Heroin made me "happy" for a while. I want the clinic to reduce my methadone dose so I can get off off off all these opiates. As long as I'm on a level dose the itch to use is there. When the dose is declining I feel galvanized towards getting clean. That's how my psychology works. I can't see any life any future. I asked a friend who's on Subutex after 35 years plus on heroin whether he feels his life is over now and he said of course it's over that's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I would like to see some examples of people who come off opiates and actually live as productive members of society instead of committing suicide. I would have thought suicide was the more popular option. There's not much to say I'm crowding in here in a bad mood shopping bags and all. Food shopping. Not interesting shopping. I've got to go now.
I can't speak from personal experience but I do know a couple of ex-opiate users, of course I know them as alcohol was the next/final thing they had to kick however they are there, they get up, get bothered and get on with it... it can be done.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can do it too.
Non sono una persona cativa, ma il problema non e in mani mie.Penso che Anna e stupida,lei fa troppo problemi,per lei stessa. Ma cose che io fa?
ReplyDeleteI think you know anser, ma you no wanna do.
Wen you wan do, you will do and I wait.You okay just takes time, los so che la vita e una merda, lo sai?
I know what you mean,i gave up gear 5 years ago but after about 10 months of anxiety and depression i caved..now i think maybe i should've been guided onto anti depressants...I do know people who got clean and stayed clean too.Its just time,time for your brain to readjust its chemical balance.And some humane help would be useful,but in todays Uk theres not much hope for help,the Demisconning us party is too busy robbing the local amenities...
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon xxx Annie
Treat it as a relapse. Get back on the horse.
ReplyDeleteO you do sound pissed off :-(
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to them moving you?
I'm sure you know best how your psychology works . . . but when you were on a stable, level amount, say a month or two ago, you were engaging with stuff, learning languages and you didn't want drugs anymore. It seems since you have started to decrease your dose, or started again from 30ml that the depression has crept in. Of course I can only go by what I read and your enthusiasm levels on this blog. But just thought I'd say. I know you hate methadone and it is hard to find a good level . . . but there is a level where you neither feel zonked out or jittery and "wanting" . A while back it looked like you'd found it. Maybe the decrease was too soon?
I do know a couple of examples of people finding life after H. Like Annie said it takes a (long) while for brain chemicals to adjust and settle. I hope you're feeling a bit better and get back on-line soon.
With love
x
Aw, sorry you're depressed. Special you, you're the only person's page eye'm going to visit today, prob bc your post was near the top! Eye feel like an asshole but oh well. People having lives after opiates, most of the "post opiate" ppl eye know are on methadone. Others have switched from methadone to pills. Far as people who aren't on some kind of substitution of any kind, eye know 3 people who are perfectly happy and being productive (school and/or work) and opiate free. Neither of them reduced through methadone, all of them detoxed in jail. All of them took advantage of in-jail drug treatment programs. Two continued with NA for some time afterward, only one still goes. All of them have been clean off opiates for two to three years. What will sound like it's hopeless to/for you is that two of them only were hooked on heroin for about three years, they are younger (20s.) One is on psych meds. Both very occasionally will use marijuana, alcohol, or psychedelics. But one of these clean people is 50. He was on heroin for something like 25 years. He seems healthy and happy, he has work, he's able to stay clean without any treatment after jail, he uses NO drugs or alcohol of any kind. Not even stuff like Xanax. Oh wait, there's a 4th person who had a 5 year habit, he's about 60 now and quit bc of a girlfriend, but he switched from that to alcohol then to methamphetamine. But the 25 year guy seems like he could be pretty inspirational to you! His wife and brother in law both are still addicted, so he had to move away from them after jail. But eye don't know any "post methadone" ppl, so maybe it's different. But maybe it isn't TOO different, just a longer process bc you'll still be on SOMETHING a while, and far as "actual" drugs, you'll just have to rely on good ol self control or lots of negative association, because it's not like you're being forcefully torn away by being incarcerated. Do they give methadone in jails/prisons over there? Over here, policies differs state by state. Eye only know about CA, AZ, and NV. California's great about it, Arizona will just have you suffer, and here they will give it to you if you're a clinic person - if someone else picks up your dose and drops it to you in jail, and if it's medical (pain), you have to see a doctor for them to prescribe pills to you.
ReplyDeleteHi Gleds,
ReplyDeleteI haven't used for 10 years and no longer have any desire to. Since quitting H I've gotten a law degree, married a beautiful woman, started my own business and built a house. I hit rock bottom and decided that I actually wanted to live. I knew that life on gear is not any sort of life I wanted. Once the decision was made, it was literally like a switch was flicked and I never used again. No NA, no religion, just life. It took a year or so of feeling like I would never be able to enjoy anything again (apart from H of course), but eventually it all came back. I was sure that I ruined myself but I was wrong. It can be done. Good luck! Jason
I quit Heroin/crack 3 years ago after a 12 year habit and 25 years of substance missuse, and then I did 2 years of a slooooow methadone taper to ease myself back to reality,No NA/AA, just the cold hard facts that it was my choice because I cant get my head round that higher power stuff. the last 6 months of methadone were a real low dose- around 5ml down to 0.2ml!! . Its been a year of non-opiates and during that time i've got a diploma, and now work for a local charity (samaritans)- i also now have a family that supports me- finaly! . I've had to slowly learn who I am, what i want and how i feel, it takes time and effort but it IS possible to have life after drugs. good luck, stay strong and you may just get there in the end!
ReplyDeletethanks for all the messages sorry I didn't reply earlier they mean a lot to me!
ReplyDeleteCatching up on the blog... I know dozens of ex-opiate addicts that are clean and happy most of the time. I've been clean for 15 years, and I don't miss it anymore. It took a lot of work in the beginning, a lot of suffering with cravings, dealing with life on life's terms... etc. Even when life turns to shit, or I am in a depressive episode (chronic depression, started before the drugs) I still don't want opiates. A may have a fleeting thought, but it's nothing like it was. Of course I'm a member of a 12 step program (gasp!) so I suppose that makes me different, or weak, or stupid, or a liar, or something. The way some people look at 12 step programs used to make me so angry, but I don't care anymore. I'm happy and I never have to be dopesick again.
ReplyDelete