HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 28, 2011


EVERYTHING'S gone pear-shaped this past week. I completely lost my Mojo thanks to depression. Depression turned me to heroin. Heroin made me "happy" for a while. I want the clinic to reduce my methadone dose so I can get off off off all these opiates. As long as I'm on a level dose the itch to use is there. When the dose is declining I feel galvanized towards getting clean. That's how my psychology works. I can't see any life any future. I asked a friend who's on Subutex after 35 years plus on heroin whether he feels his life is over now and he said of course it's over that's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I would like to see some examples of people who come off opiates and actually live as productive members of society instead of committing suicide. I would have thought suicide was the more popular option. There's not much to say I'm crowding in here in a bad mood shopping bags and all. Food shopping. Not interesting shopping. I've got to go now.

Saturday, November 26, 2011



arguably Australia's cutest marsupial...

they love to be held...

...and stroked...

"wombat in a hat"

... and the babies are very cute too


Thursday, November 24, 2011

I'VE FOUND a new internet cafe that hopefully lets you publish posts after posting them. The one I had been using before had something ikky about their computers. So, a 20 minute walk later... and I'm here. Just around from crack corner. But I'm feeling strong. I'm truly fed up of all drugs; the last time was "the last time". I am resolved.

There's not a lot to say today. I hadn't had much sleep and had woken up early when I posted the last thing, which is why I was so chirpy. Later that day I came down with a crash-bang of gross proportions. That was the last time I tried drugs to raise my mood and it didn't work, they don't work, I'm fed up with it all so I'm now as clean as you can be on 80mg of methadone.

[I took the drugs after, not before the crash. The good mood was a natural high.]

Next week I have a dr's appointment about getting back to normal consumption. I only have to drink my methadone supervised because I was transferred to a new clinic and they do that with all their "clients". Last appointment I ranted on about how much of a drudge it is trudging to the chemist every day at your lowest point. I always used to drink the juice BEFORE setting out. So I started the day with it working full-on. Hopefully they will hear me on this point. And reduce me down down down again.

Arghkh I feel like a stuck record, there isn't much else to say. My computer is still sick I don't know whether it will ever be OK again or whether I will have to buy a new one. I'm saving as we speak.

I would like to get a hamster. I would like to move house. All these things are supposed to be happening, but they don't. There was supposed to be some meeting with my housing manager this week. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to be there or whether it has been and gone... who knows? I have to dash off now in case I get disconnected.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Good Morning

GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING. Finally I have got on a (public) computer that works because the mad woman who's always hogging it isn't here today. That kebab I had yesterday had way more salad than in the picture by the way. I woke up at 7am-ish so I'm already craving a lie-down. But no! Dishes have to be washed. I have purchased brand new Alpine flavour washing up liquid just for the occasion. Also I am dead set on FINALLY EMPTYING OUT THE COLLECTED ASSORTED RUBBISH MY HOUSE IS FULL OF. I have found out I am a compulsive hoarder of spectacular proportions. Eg I have at least 4 if not 5 televisions. I haven't a clue whether any bar the one I use actually work. I threw out 3 dining chairs earlier in the year. Clutter clutter. Endless pears of jeans with busted pockets. Or huge holes in them. Or too small. Or too big. Or just wrong. Endless clothes with fag burns and holes and motorbike-repair-style oil stains upon them. No! Life is going out of control. And I missed Jeremy Kyle (stuck record talk show host who "resolves" loud lower class people's problems and is 100% likely to criticize anybody who dares not to have a job!) because I was glugging my methadone. I did drink a can of cyder this morning, but my alcohol is less than half the govt's recommended weekly limits, meaning NO DOCTORLY PERSON CAN CRITICIZE ME for the odd drink. I was never into AA type meetings because everybody seems to say "I'd have one drink then I couldn't stop" whereas I always could stop after one. I'd space my drinks throughout the day to achieve a mild but constant intoxication. I never liked the taste of booze. And I never liked feeling drunk and out of control. Ironically it was a feeling of being IN control that hard drugs, specifically heroin, gave me. Confidence. Energy. Antidepressant effect. My problems were over! (So it seeeeeemed, ahem.) Oh cripes I had better ping off now else I'll only get terminated mid-sentence. Take care y'all!

Illustrated: A a hearty breakfast; B Jeremy Kyle (looks just like my brother!!!)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Lamb Shish With All Salad And Garlic Sauce

THAT'S WHAT I had for tea tonight.

I'm OK, not much to tell. The methadone is back on a level dose. That's 80mg more than I want to be on. It is level because I cannot handle hauling myself to that chemist every single day, freezing cold and sweat running down my back, only to have to deal with a long wait in fierce heat when I get in plus a two hour wait for the juice to come on and make me feel OK. By that time I'm so peed off I stay annoyed all day and sleep all afternoon in depression. My friend came in with me to point out this is all down to Supervised Consumption and being forced to take methadone to times suiting someone else's convenience. When I had my methadone at home I nearly always took it in the early hours, so that I got up with the full dose going full-on. I never had any problems with sweats etc. I did my sweating when I was asleep and it wasn't bothering me.

So I've supposedly got a dr's appointment in a week's time to review this situation. Then I want to go back to reducing the dose because I'm not one of these people who seems to want the maximum methadone for the maximum possible time: if I'm not using on top I see no need for flat dosing I want it taken down down down to OFF OFF OFF THAT CRAP FOR GOOD!

The only good news is that I'm getting 2 take home days: Saturday and Sunday. So I get the weekend off the grinding routine that is a life on methadone!

There's no other news really: I'm no longer in a raging mood with the clinic. Just endless irritation now. I got the anger off my chest last appointment. Lots of words like patronizing, coercive and a hindrance. Talk about making something that's difficult already as hard as humanly possible. That's why I'm not interested in rehab. Every steep detox I've tried has had me breaking down and put on extra meds. Both times I was put on extra meds. Extra methadone at City Roads crisis detox centre and antidepressants and tranquillizers at the proper rehab. When I went to proper rehab I cut down my using so tiny that when I left (still unable to tolerate the reduction) my habit was less than half what it had been 2 weeks before I came in.

I hope y'all are OK. Still no computer. Massive troubles posting. Take care everyone.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Feathery Friday on Saturday

Ordinary blue and yellow macaws...

With green severe macaws

Hyacinth macaws, the largest parrots in the world...

Wishing a raucous weekend to you all..!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hello again

I HAVEN'T BEEN BY because I could not get access to a computer. I have not been feeling well. My methadone is down to 80mg and I feel sick whenever I have to move myself to get to that overheated chemist's shop. Strangely, apart from feeling cold, I feel fine at home. As I say, it's only when I start moving myself that I get a disgusting sweat on that only evaporates a good couple of hours after sipping the noxious gunk I am prescribed. I feel my life is over now I'm no longer taking drugs. OK I do indulge about once a fortnight but I never feel the gear. I've had the odd bit of crack but I don't even like that. So I'm stuck in sobriety and hating it because I'm so unmotivated and down.

I got a letter through because they are turning off the old analogue TV signal in London next April and I'm eligable for a Freesat dish and box, fully installed for just £67 ~ about $100 ~ giving me over 100 channels without any need to subscribe. So I'm thinking of going for it.

Apart from that no news. Just missed doctor's appointments (I felt to ill to go). And poor sleep. Up all night, in bed all day not wanting to get up. Then the dreaded trek to the methadone chemist and having to remove half my clothes in that ridiculously tropical shop. I stink because I have not had a shower in over a week, just half hearted attempts at washing over the sink. I don't want to be dirty but I just feel like a block of ice when I wake up. I need my methadone AT HOME so I can take it IN BED a good couple of hours before I get up. THEN I will be able to stomach showers, changing clothes, washing hair all the things normal people do. All the things addicts on methadone supposedly start doing again but cannot when the methadone is not in their hands. The longer this poisoning goes on the worse things will get. I just want off that noxious rubbish as quickly as possible. There is no earthly reason why I should experience any withdrawal whatsoever. If I reduced a dose of heroin by 5mg per week I wouldn't feel anything at all. So why should I feel the reduction in methadone? I'm fine once I've drunk it and waited the infernal amount of time that rubbish takes to come on (over two hours). But I'm not OK when I wake up in the morning. Unless the clinic give me control over drinking my own dose at home I'm launching a formal complaint and/or simply scoring my own methadone on the street so I can walk to the chemist without hot and cold flashes and flushing half the dose they give me. They probably wouldn't notice if I did that. I don't want to play around with my dosing but I'm getting more and more wound up on this point. I got advised to issue a formal complaint some weeks ago. Everyone else I know gets good treatment apart from me. It's almost as if they were deliberately eroding my mental health. Example: by insisting I go to group therapy which is only compulsory for convicted petty criminals. I went to two groups very reluctantly just so I could say I'd tried it. Then very happily turned my back on that complete waste of time. 90 minutes of patronizing rubbish I have heard a million times before. No thanks.

I'm not in the mood for NA because I don't go anywhere these days. I feel very run down and mentally exhausted. My mother did not seem to like the letter I wrote her explaining my past. She doesn't want to face my point of view. But she did tell some very interesting stories of her own which I'm sure she considers true. Viewpoint, viewpoint. It's all in the viewpoint.

Well I have to dash I'm on a public computer yet again. I will be back sooner if I can get to a computer that actually works, which many in this shop don't. Take care everyone and have a charming weekend...

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Wednesday and Sunday

THIS IS what I wrote on Sunday, but the (public) computer wouldn't let me publish...

THE CLOCKS went back last night
so it's 7pm where it would have been 8pm before. I've taken my pill. There's nothing doing tonight except Downton Abbey in an hour or two.

My computer is kaputt! The hard drive has gone so I'm *****d; only God can help me now. I believe in God. All things are possible. I suspect it's actually the cable not the drive that's gone but that still necessitates a change of drive at £50 for 160GB + £60 workmanship ie £110 or about $170 US.

The stopping smoking is going crap basically. I am cutting down on my ciggies before switching to that gum. The gum does work but I smoked near-constantly without really realizing it... I need to cut down to 12 a day then 8 a day and then 4. I was on about 25 (own rolled) before I tried to quit on Friday things swiftly went pear shaped. Maybe I'm trying to cut down too many things but I don't think so...

I have to go now before I get terminated. Hope you all had a good weekend!

PS I've been watching some horrible films: I didn't know La Reine Margot was so "lusty" or disgusting, Elizabeth shows folks being burned at the stake; Hell lived up to its name... ukh.

Viper: Hard Techno Anthem

This poor mouse doesn't know quite where to go so he just settles down and washes his ears...

OK it's now Wednesday and I'm still coughing and spluttering thanks to the Common Cold. I'm thinking of purchasing an electronic cigarette, you know, the type that light up then you suck in pure nicotine vapour minus any tar. You even see "smoke" that is actually water vapour, a vehicle for the nicotine.

I've been watching Elizabeth The Golden Age, it's much nicer than the first film about Elizabeth, far less gory. The director said he filmed inside cathedrals because stone is permanent blah blah going down the generations etc. But Elizabethan houses were wooden! So I kept wondering why the Queen was at church... I would love to be able to go back in time and tell her "m'lady you shouldn't worry too much about that Spanish Armada ~ they'll get beaten back by the weather"... etc.

I'm wearing Opium perfume that I got at £25 for 50mls about a month ago and I've already used half a bottle. I don't think I'll be getting that one again. One person told me I "smell like a French tart's boudoir" ~ and this is the pour homme version... My favourite fragrance is Chanel's Antaeus it smells like incence...

Now I have to go else I'll get terminated. Take care everyone...




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood