Post Royal Comedown

THE DAY AFTER THE ROYAL WEDDING. I bet the Queen guzzled too much wedding cake and Philip has a hangover. As for Charles and Camilla I'd imagine he had a sneaky spliff on the back balcony while she puffed away at the Benson and Hedges. Somebody told me Kate Middleton was a notorious crack-whore from Tottenham, North London and that all her punters had been mysteriously killed by the Security Services (I did get told this, the night I was invited to a Charles and Camilla party. Lots of drunk crackheads wearing cut-out face-masks from the Sun newspaper. No thanks.)

Maybe I shouldn't be so disrespectful to the royals. Well what else do you want to hear? How me and Anna both have suicidal ideation? Anna wants to top herself; so do I. Except that I keep laughing all the time. I'm sure my shrinko would have a field-day with THAT one so I'm keeping quiet and asking for lamotrigine (Lamactil).

Of course I was hoping for a manic episode back but I'm pissing in the wind hoping for that one. I know mania isn't cool. All that violent ideation, irritation, agitation, volatility of mood, paranoia etc. It's the euphoria and grandiosity I enjoy, along with the non-paranoid hallucinations (when the voices tell knockout-quality jokes, that's always a good one.) As for sanity I know there's not a hope in hell of that. If sanity means peace, happiness and contentment: not in this lifetime. If sanity means a low grade misery and a feeling of being alive in a bathfull of cold water having recently tried to drown. Yeah, there'll be lots of that.

I slept a good 14 hours last night. Yet another bad sign. Means I'm depressed.

I woke up this afternoon wondering what all the fuss had been about. When I'm in a relationship this usually means a thoroughly pantomime quality argument with the bitch I'm currently with the night before. More recently it meant something to do with having been severely manic, jumping out of bed at 2:30am and gone totally crazy by eleven o'clock, coming down slightly in the evening then taking a sleeping pill which brought me down enough to think what was THAT all about??! Knowing I'd wake up yet again in the very early hours feeling pilled out of my head on Ecstasy, which I haven't touched in ten years, for the whole charade to start all over again. Of course THIS fuss was the Royal Wedding. They didn't even trumpet out the tune I'd been hoping for. It's a fanfare you'll have heard at Royal Events time over.

Well I have to go. I don't want not want drugs rehab anything. I wish I would just fucking drop dead. Not a hope in hell of that happening.

If I do die I want my family to exploit exploit exploit my crappo writings tying in as much as possible with my fortunate death. Get 'em published by Harper Collins or Transworld. Do not self publish or I shall COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU.

If only I lived in 60BC I'd probably be dead by now and happy already. Maybe I should stop collecting my money. Then my heirs could spend all that and I could starve to death. Best of all worlds. Good job antibiotics don't work any more. Means my chances of kicking the bucket are higher. If I was more... whatever I'd just go and live on the street again it was far easier. And in winter you can die. Best thing about homelessness in February was ice cold cyder 1st thing in the morning and chilled corned beef.

Well I have to run. Fucking awful crap on television. Dealer just got in touch. Heroin. Whoopee. You can't hear the unenthusiastic voice behind that. If I could think up more crap to say believe me I'd say it but I can't so I have to go. Hope your weekend is full of eggs and kittens in country baskets.

20:46 gear in system. Direct in right shin. Feeling 100% better. If only they could prescribe something that made me feel OK I'd have no need of banging up gear, But I do need to bang up gear; I need it. Best thing I've heard of so far is Lamactil aka lamotrigine it stabilizes you out of bipolar depressions better than bipolar mania and it's elevated mood and mania I could do with the most. As for "normality" ~ there aint a cat's chance in hell of my attaining that

Royal Wedding Report: LIVE!

WEDDING FEVER has hit Britain. I love it!!

10:07 Elton John came into the Abbey about 20 mins ago. Apparently guests are allowed in up to 11am.

I keep looking at those ladies in hats, wondering what they're going to do when they need the loo. There are, apparently, no "lavatories" available in Westminster Abbey.

Why are all those guests so early. Wouldn't you hang out in the park opposite with a White Cyder then dash in at the last minute? I would.

Why are the royal family departing in CARS. THE BRIDE IS SUPPOSED TO TRAVEL IN A GLASS COACH. THE REST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY TRAVEL IN OPEN CARRIAGES. They're going out in cars; back in carriages. You won't see a bloody thing.

10:12 Prince William has just left Clarence House. He's wearin red. O why o why did he have to go in a vulgar old CAR??!!

And poor Kate is only going to be the Dutchess of Cambridge not a princess. Stingy old Queen.

I was hoping for the title of Duke for myself (or Marquess at the very least). If they'd throw in a (gigantic) stately home I'd willingly accept.

O man I could do with a tin of corned beef. I'm so nervous.

10:15 now they're travelling through some old house. "The horseguards building".

Prince Harry wants be known as "the best man" usually they're known as the copanion of honour or something.

Past the Cenotaph. Lots of saluting going on. They're saluting the royal dead, apparently.

I can't believe they're travelling by car. Honestly. Why not be done with and go in my Aunty Ann's old banger? It's a mark II Ford Cortina. That would lower the tone even more. Wills and Harry are now trotting up to the abbey. We can see the bells from underneath.

When the service is complete there "will be a special peel lasting 3 hours". Yes Camilla Parker Bowles will be peeling an orange.

There are TREES up the abbey. Who planted them, I'd like to know.

Do you know what I'm going out for a fag. I can catch the bits I missed on the rerun. Hey I've found a £5er! Corned beef and cigs coming up!!

10:34 a bunch of nobodies turning up eg lady Sarah Chattham (who?)

10:35 Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles are leaving Clarence House.

10:44 HM the Queen is riding in a barely seethroughable car. Getting out. She's wearing yellow. Philip looks quite funky. My corned beef won't open properly so I tore it half open with bolt cutters and am excavating with a butter knife.

I notice the Queen kissed some nobody on both cheeks. Poor Camilla, the duchess of Cornwall just curtsied and the Queen briskly turned away!

10:51 Kate Middleton has just got in her giant car. The dress looks massive. If it doesn't have at LEAST a 20ft train I'll be livid. In fact it should match or outdo Diana's train EASILY. If it doesn't I'm writing in to complain.

Now the car is riding down the street. We can't see her we can only see the car. Thanks HM the Queen for putting such a boring day together.

10:58 Now they're driving through the old building. I just need a cigarette.

O man the car isn't full of dress. Dianas overflowed from the carriage. That means a pathetic train, I expect.

She's at the abbey. Her dad should get out first and help her out. Sarah Burton designed the dress, we have just been told.

O man the train is barely 10ft long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ivory and white satin gazelle, they seem to be saying. O Kate you should have got a bigger dress.

Cartier tiara. Loaned by the Queen (too stingy to give it away.)

My corned beef is all stuck in the tin.

Walking up the isle dad in hand. Silence. Hey they're GETTING MARRIED IN 5 MINS!!

Why all those ridiculous hymns in the service. If it were mine I'd have the choir sing the song. Not a load of halfwitted celebrities, military top brass, diplomats, foreign heads of state and British royalty dirging away at the psalms.

Am I the only one who thinks this is very toned down? I was expecting glass carriages, soldiers dressed up like a pack of playing cards, hysterical screaming and a ONE HUNDRED FOOT LONG TRAIN.

A drunk Princess Margaret is another glaring ommission. God rest her soul.

11:08 Wills Harry Kate and her dad standing in line at the altar. Harry looks really embarrassed. He is blushing like a babboon's backside.

11:09 o man FUCKING HYMNS. Cut all this timewasting PLEASE and GET MARRIED.

11:13 who on earth is this man reading out this stuff about marriage's holy estate? Is that the archbishop of Canterbury.

It sounds like the AB of C but that ginormous beard has gone. O the AB of C has appeared from nowhere.

11:17 now they're doing the vows.

11:20 where was the line "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Are they married or not? They've done the vows. The ring is on. Now ANOTHER BORING HYMN.

I'm reading Anna Grace's blog about a woman shitting in the prison shower until this dirge is over.

Although jail was very boring, but there is a lot that goes on day to day that was abnormal. Like this old bitch that was in the Metal health unit with me and she was disgusting. She farted, didn't wear underwear or a bra, so you could spell her sticking pussy. She wouldn't even take a whores bath. Then her tits sagged down to her waist. Watching her eat made me sick to my stomach. Then there was the lady who was mentally retarded, who had put her kids in a dresser and set it on fire. She took a shit in the shower, and the guards tried to make me clean it up. I was like hell no, that's your job. The guards tried to tell me that I would get points as a good inmate. I asked would it get me out faster, they said nope. So I said fuck off and die asshole, you clean up that shit and blood. She was also on her period. That's another little taste of what I faced while in jail. BTW, all three of the retards kids died, but she was found not fit to stand trial, so she was waiting to be sent to the State Mental Institution.

Here on TV its all about the Royal Wedding. Just get that damn wedding over with, and why do us American's care. Its a different country. I'd much rather be English than American, so I shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. I'm mostly Irish, but no English blood that I know of. I haven't done my genealogical charting, but from what I've been told, I'm mostly Irish on both sides. I do like Irish accents. Its English, but you still can't understand them. I need a bloody fag. So I'm going to end this post.

Thanks Anna.

11:31 What am I saying about choirs? Very gormless singing. Just hurry up and get MARRIED why don't you!!

I'm glad the year is not 1492, else I'd end up in the Tower for saying all this. Aristocrats like me got luxury accommodation up there, so I'd be OK, as long as I had a kilo of opium to pipe away on.

11:32 now yet another speech about marriage. From some man I haven't a clue who he is. He looks like he was picked up from a homeless shelter and quickly poshed up. I wonder if that one's had a drink or two this morning.

11:36 this same homeless man is STILL whittering away. Who the hell is he?

"The holy spirit is quickened within us and can refine our lives."... Platitudes galore.

11:38 some grey-clad nun type woman is sitting right by Wills? What is she doing there?

Oh he's not homeless. He's the Bishop of London.

11:39 and now yet more musical interludes. Honestly does this have to go on so long??!

1142 the choir are still moaning away. I'm making a strong black coffee. I need some relief from this.

11:44 yet another "spiritual" nobody from that tamborine-banging church they call the Established Church of England reading out the "Lord"'s prayer. Can't they make up their own words?

11:46 that idiotic Archbishop of Canterbury is on. Sorry if this report is boring. The SERVICE is dull beyond the pale. Blithering on and on about the spiritual unity betwixt Christ and his Church WELL NOT THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, THAT'S FOR SURE. Endless petty repetitions. They could have condensed this guff down to 2 minutes. Cut out all the hymns and got married in 5 mins. I wonder if the Queen is nodding off..? She is after all 85 and must find her tolerance for bullshit diminishing considerably with age. Yeah probably she is asleep. Note the cameras aren't on her. O yes 11:48 they are. She looks suspiciously like she's just woken up. HM the Queen does have an exceptionally squeaky voice; she must be able to hit notes well in excess of a coloratura high F.

11:50 "let us pray" YET AGAIN!!! For crying out loud. I need heroin now. And it's that man who looks like he's out of prison on licence for a sexual offence who's doing the praying.

11:51 trumpet blasts. National Anthem. Hopefully it's all over. And why were they never pronounced man and wife? Are they still technically living in sin as of this moment? Her Majesty isn't singing the National Anthem; she's not allowed to.

11:53 "William and Catherine are now a married couple" AT LAST. They must sign 3 registers. 2 royal, one public. All this signing takes place in the chapel of St Gledwood the Confessor. Supposedly "the holiest part of the abbey" ~ as if any part is holy at all.

11:55 oh no the choir are about to burst into groaning yet again. Those schoolboys look dead embarrassed to be there in ruff collars. I wish my old dealer were on.

O I forgot I'd given up heroin. See how irksome stressfull life events are to the mental health? O I'm truly bored now I'm switching over. BBC2 has a film with a woman tipping her head back; ITV has a better picture than BBC so I've switched over; channel 4 has an advert with a kitten riding the back of a tortoise. I want to go back to bed now. I hate bank holidays. Just an excuse for nothingness, nothingness all day. Now I'm stressing about something to do with somebody else. Akkkh people people people. Spare a thought for Anna Grace she got a habit on 2g of heroin (one china white, one tar) and a few Dilaudid she got off a kindly old dr. Now she's living on her Dad's pain pills and dreading the day he gets back to find them gone.

12:01 I don't remember former Royal Weddings being as boring as this. Princess Eugenie is glancing about in confusion; I don't blame her.

12:02 all those bishoply nobodies are making their way to the Great West Door. Good sign. Means this church bollocks is nearly over and the carriage rides can begin. I only tuned in for the horse drawn carriages; I can't believe there were none in part one.

12:04 "The return of the Prince and Princess is heralded by fanfare" so she IS a princess. Good.

12:05 Aw the married couple ambulate slowly down the red carpet.

That fanfare was composed by an RAF pilot. Sounds like it too.

12:08 Hey the Happy Couple leave the church to roars, cheers and confetti. A spectacular carriage pulled by white donkies awaits them.

12:11 the donkies are trotting away to roars of enthusiasm and applause.

"Four windsor greys pulling the carriage"! Apparently they aren't donkies at all!

12:12 HM the Queen looks in a good mood.

12:13 Trotting up the road with the full playing card style military jingling behind.

12:14 Well i see why they arrived in cars now; it's all about contrast. Glittering donkey-drawn carriages. Lots of waving. Camilla Parker Bowles. Donkeys trotting all over the place.

MARRIED AT LONG LONG LAST!! SMILES AND CHEERS. HURRAH!

MUSICAL INTERLUDE
LAUGHING BUDDHA: TAPU

Prewedding Jitters and a Foggy Head!

IT'S LATE. My body is exhausted. I slept nearly 12 hours last night and feel like I'll do another twelve tonight. I woke up with my head all foggy or confused. My thoughts were sticking together. I did a lot of pottering around today and my head is all over the place. It feels good though. Feels a whole lot better than being depressed, so I'm not coplaining. My doctor would want me to take the risperidone pills, I know. Probably they would make my head clearer. But then I'd feel flat and down. I'd rather be pleasantly addled than dullly down.

Sorry there's no great revelations here. This post is more for me, not you. I'm supposed to be keeping track of my sleep and moods; it's for this reason I blog such stuff every day. Not the generalized excitement I know such revelations shall provoke in y'all!

I would say "I hope your day was more exciting than mine" because I know my day sounds extremely mundane. But it was actually quite good. I couldn't focus on anything much, but I enjoyed having a plethora of things in upon which not to zero! A flotilla of thoughts bobbing in my head! I like thinking. I hadn't realized I'd been doing so little of it over the weeks. I must have; for now I feel full of cognition and it feels good.

I'm glad I didn't post earlier. There's a good chance I'd have pasted up a story about Little Trotter Donkey and Little Trotter Horse and a wasp! Told you I was in an entertaining mood today. If you want to hear the story I'll refine it and slap it up in a couple of days' time. What role the wasp plays I'm not too sure; I just liked the name Little Buzzer Hornet(!!)

I have to go: my poor body is exhausted. Gone with the Wind is booming away from the next room. I intend to get up as early as I can tomorrow.

Spare a thought for Wills and Kate. Rehearsing their wedding over and over, so some archbishop-of-cantobratorial-type person reveals on Radio 4. Wouldn't you be a bundle of nerves if you knew you were getting wed in front of a billion folks gawking at their TVs across the world in only three days' time (a day and a half now!)? I would. I wonder if they've given her Valium? Probably in this day and age it'd be low-dose antipsychotics: Seroquel/quetiapine or something similar!

Wills was born into the Royal Family. Destined for greatness, as it were. Middle-class Middleton just thought she was going to an obscure Scottish university where courses last a year longer than in England. Little did she know she'd snag the future King! I'm sure in this day and age they're giving her medication to cope. Imagine if you ran to a psychiatrist confessing you were marrying a prince and destined to become future queen of England? You'd be diagnosed with a Delusional Disorder, slapped on high-dose olanzopine/Zyprexa and offered a preremptory course in person-centred counselling!

Pet Mouse/Royal Wedding/Crazytalk

I HAVE A PET MOUSE. A wild one. It is called Tonkie Ears or Donkey Ears if you prefer. It has been making loud nibbling noises from under my fridge for over a month now, but I never saw anything until the other night when this tiny mouse-shaped shadow appeared, pinging back and forth. It kept freezing, sitting on its haunches with its ears up. Then it ran right up to my feet, but I got scared it would try and nibble my toes. This must've made my foot twitch ever so slightly and it scurried away ~ the swine! I've been leaving out chicken bones and crumbs for it.

Mice love chicken bones. I used to feed my robo-hammies with bones. They like the gristly bits on the ends. I had to use a lot of control not to eat these bits myself because I love them too. I also like eating fishbones from tinned fish. Yummm yumm. I probably need all the calcium for my rotten teeth.

I went to that horrible clinic appointment at 10am. Even though I was up early I was still late. I went in the post office with my heart in my mouth in case my card didn't work (it's split nearly in half, so it doesn't swipe, the magnetic strip is broken but the chip is fine; last time the woman said "give it here" then said "your card is broken" and didn't want to serve me but I insisted on putting it back in the machine and after 2 more attempts it worked.

Anyway I got £50 out and was so happy I could have cried. Now at least I had the option of calling my dealer.

I met a down and out at the main bus stop who said he had £100 and wanted me to score for him but I said I had an appointment and would come looking for him on the way back. We both knew this wouldn't happen. But I got on the bus all wound up over this because I could have given up my appointment, scored, wasted half a day, ran in the clinic just before they closed with a flimsy excuse. I'm not a terrible liar I just really hate doing it. The next day (today) is a bank holiday so I absolutely had to be at this clinic today also my script ran out so I didn't even have one pick-up left. Any mistake on that script and the chemist would have refused to serve me. That's why the appointment was at 10am so that I had time to get back to the clinic if the script was wrong. I got my worker to check the script carefully and he said it was fine.

He asked me how I was and I said I didn't feel very good blah blah I managed to change the subject on to the royal wedding. Guess what: my druggieworker was only ONE year old when Charles and Diana wed. I was about nine. I remember being in my Auntie Ann's house watching her enormous (for the day) Rediffusion television which had 4 buttons like cigarettes poking out and a coin box that took 50p pieces on a timer. 50p in that day was worth about £2 now so that's $3 a pop if you're American. For $3 you got about ten hours, maybe five hours' viewing. In those days TV only came on in the late morning and was off by about midnight. No breakfast TV. No late night TV. Only three channels.

My auntie Ann who wasn't a relative, she was my Nanny's next door neighbour, was ooing and aahing at the screen "aw look at Charlie!" etc. Then there was a street party. The entire road was closed off. We were in Windsor at the time (the wedding was at St Paul's cathedral in London) so we got in Annie's Mark 2 Cortina and went to see this massive bonfire in Windsor Great Park which is basically thousands of acres of Royal back garden at the Queen's weekend residence. I remember missing what was being billed as the most amazing firework display Britain had ever seen in order to do this. But we'd have only seen it on TV as that was held in central London over the Thames.

I wish Wills and Kate's wedding was today. I'm really in the mood for a royal wedding today. If you're reading this on foreign shores you have to understand this is a really big deal. It will be a national holiday and everywhere from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey (which is opposite the Houses of Parliament) will be closed off. So if you want to line the route you'd need to go into the park and go along that road that leads from Buckingham Palace to Parliament Square. This is the most picturesque part of London, far more beautiful than any area of Paris by the way, so it should look really good on television.

I'm glad Prince William finally popped the question at least and stopped dangling that poor girl on a string. It wouldn't surprise me if they'd agreed to this and talked it over three or more years ago and only made it public more recently.

Well that's it for today. I'm still sleeping for hours on end but the mood is more up than before. The gear I got yesterday was real rubbish and I got someone else to score that from me from yet another number that was already in my phone but who I don't actually know. This one's name is B, which is a strange thing to call yourself as a dealer as B means "brown" and brown here means heroin. Almost all our heroin comes from Afghanistan or Pakistan and it's brown heroin base.

I have £20 on me especially for scoring but I'm not sure I want to do it. If my number one dealer is back on I know he'll have something at least half decent. But I keep telling myself he'll be on next week and the week after and the week after that and if he's not someone else will, so I'll be able to chuck £20 away then.

All I've used today is 2 cups black coffee. I was hoping to hype myself up a bit as I require a manic episode in order to be happy. The manic euphoria was better than any drug I've ever tried and it had no side effects, except when it went so extreme I coudln't concentrate or focus at all, my thoughts raced into each other so fast they smashed apart into a garbled mess and I was constantly losing my temper even though I was sitting on my own. Just thinking about something was enough to make me lose it. I don't want to be like that, but the milder end of the spectrum feels really really nice and it's far superior to drugs. That is the feeling I want back. The feeling I had when I was obsessively DVD shopping. I had £150 in the bank as I'd not been taking drugs and I blew the lot on my DVD collection over 4 days. I was buying at least 10 films a day.

Well I'm going down to Sainsbury's to obtain roast chicken of the cold variety rather than freshly cooked. The cold stuff is higher in salt and glucose and pumped full of water. So it's lovely and industrial and I luuurve industrial food.

The only bit I hate about supermarkets is going through the till because I feel the staff are judging me. I can't keep myself together like a proper person would I look like I'm homeless. It's as much as I can do to wash/shower but my clothes are dirty, I have no clean ones. It's a real ordeal trying to sort out washing clothes etc. I got told this is symptoms of this "illness" I am meant to have because I never used to be like this before. Now I just can't handle doing things. Too many details all pressing me at once. Too much to deal with.

I did some research into schizoaffective disorder to see whether I really have it.

I have a mood disorder which is bipolar in type ie I get depressed which can last months and for years I used to have little flashes of something I suspected might be hypomania but wasn't really sure. The last thing I was going to do was fess up to a doctor and go and get the label "bipolar"* hung around my neck so I kept shtum about this. I never went full-on manic until last December and then my brain really was racing out of control. As well as this I've had psychotic symptoms which are hearing voices or having voices coming into my head "thought insertion" and also paranoia. Those are the main ones they started properly something like seven years ago but were really mild. They would come and go but they were bad enough that I remember having to keep stopping the bath running on more than one occasion because the sound of running water set off something that sounded like someone calling my name over and over and over. I never went full-on psychotic until last December and that lasted until some time in March. Now I'm depressed a bit still but not as depressed as before. But I never heard any voices during that depressive episode, which lasted more than a month. And I'd given up the antipsychotic because I thought it was making me feel flat and dull and wanted the chance of some mania back.

The only schizo thing that happened to me a few times was I'd be thinking of one thing eg "chicken" and another totally unrelated idea would stick to it eg "branches" so I'd have a weird confluence of ideas in my head: chicken that was like tree branches. It happened quite a few times. Sometimes I can't bear to say or think of a word because it has really weird associations for me (that it didn't have in the past) I think this is what they mean when they talk of "marked loosening of associations". I can't describe it any better than this.

Does anyone know anything about schizoaffective disorder; and do my symptoms match it? I've only given the main ones else I'd be detailing it all day.

I looked up a schizoaffective forum and found some really good stories that have a distinct similarity to mine in its more extreme stages.

I noticed looking between the lines that schizophrenics seem to have more trouble with "thought disorder" whereas schizoaffectives seem to get a really high incidence of visual hallucinations and illusions. I remember one time I was at nutter club and pretty manic the guy opposite me suddenly grew a purple face out of his neck and it stayed there for a minute then went away. You'd think something like that would be scary or disturbing but I was honestly too high to care. That's the thing about mental illness it doesn't add up logically the way youd assume it might.

*ps my diagnosis is "schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type" and it means i get symptoms of bipolar AND schizophrenia

Here are the links:

I really relate to this. I had feelings like this when I was manic, too:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Schizoaffective-Disorder/1146253

A schizoaffective story:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Schizoaffective-Disorder/1108308

This describes the entertainment hallucinations of schizoaffective disorder
(You have to see them as entertainment; otherwise you truly would go insane.)
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Schizoaffective-Disorder/1518298

Best psych meds site I have found:
http://www.crazymeds.com/

pps i found out the name of one of my more unusual "symptoms" that i still do today, it's called verbigeration and it means "meaningless repetition of words, phrases or sounds as a symptom of mental illness". I do it when I'm stressed or when my mind is racing so frantically from mania I can't hold on to anything else but single words or just bits of words and i repeat them over and over. I dont know why