HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

(White) Saucy Sunday ...

IT'S BEEN AN UNREMARKABLE DAY: Mother Hubbard made a fantabby-hooby Sunday lunch with cauliflower cheese and all trimmings (but no Yorkshire pudding -- Aunt Bessie had the day off). I watched back-to-back nature documentaries on UKTV History & the BBC (via my tellybox). Wild boar -- swilling with pigfat -- and later on, those evil giant hornets that kill 70 humans a year in Japan alone. Incidentally, did you know the Japanese call giant wasps soo-zooms (スズメバチ)? That's onomatapoeia at it's best!

My childhood (as told to my lil green notebook) is not coming alone too swimmingly. I feel a rather condensed version coming forward for eventual publication here...

Thelma & Louise is on as we speak. Can you believe I've never seen that film? Plus I didn't quite realize quite how much of a chickflick it was. Which ought to tell you just how engaged with the popular culture I really am these days ...

Two of my old dealers have emerged from the cesspit of their retirement to deal another day. Which accounted for the annoying telesales calls bothering us all afternoon. Apparently one of them, who was always swilling enough pigfat for at least two, is now just the size of one man. Mother H says she suspects he's been labouring on building sites. But what on earth would possess a professional drug dealer, used to turning over £100s a day, to jack it all in and hump around hodloads of bricks for a living..? Makes no sense to me ... When I last saw him he was turning his nose in the air, informing me he'd graduated to powder coke sales ... (better class of clientele than heroin addicts, I suppose). Why someone like that would pick manual labour as a further career move is beyond me. (And no; they don't have chaingangs or anything like them in British prisons. Even picking oakum and sewing mailbags has gone out of the (heavily barred) window, so I'm told.)

My suspicion is, his sudden shrinkage of the waistline has the same cause behind it it always has when I meet anyone gone suddenly gaunt on the street. Cocaine. (Though in most cases, admittedly, it's down to crack and not the "posh" variety...) Yup! Methinks Fat Freddie got high on his own supply, blew his chances and has had to crawl back to the sewer of heroin-dealing ...

And nothing, bar the most severe evidence to the contrary will ever convince me otherwise!!


***

PS This is quite a good coke link

8 comments:

Toccata said...

Soo-zooms I like that. I see you are into all kinds of literary devices today with onamatapoeia and alliteration.


He invented a rainbow but lightning struck it
shattered it into the lake-lap mountain
so big his mind slowed when he looked at it

I don't know why but those are some of my favorite lines of poetry. Always have been. It's the shattered rainbow image that I love so much.

Wish Fat Freddie would crawl back into his cesspool and leave you alone. Take care.

Nicole said...

I think you're totally spot-on with the building site coke guy. I'd have thought exactly the same thing.

sogard, the guardian between the relams said...

Hello, sorry that I didn't replay. 10x you that you put me on your the best blog list. I also put you now on my favorite list.
In the last time i was very busy and didn't have time for anything.
Unfortunately you can't put the ant's blog instead of mine because the blog don't exist, I explained there why: i-will-quit-smoking.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-friend-one-that-convince-me-to-start.html

CG said...

Scary stuff about those hornets...but your dinner sounded good :)

Women on the Verge said...

So what did ya think about the flick-- even though it was a bit too "chick"??

E

Evil Spock said...

Your fascination with wasps intrigues Evil Spock. Oh, and the Japanese hears cats saying: "nyao-nyao" as opposed to "meow-meow"

Anonymous said...

Hi Gledwood, Thanks for your comment on my blog (maravilhasticas). You were very nice. I will keep on reading more of your confessions for understanding them better.
"Don´t worry, be happy" :D

Gledwood said...

No it wasn't too chick at all. In fact they deliberately hammed up the car chase/shooting guns/etc aspects to please male cinema-goers, I'm sure.

And as for the ending:: girls after my own heart. That is exactly what I would have done. If I was wanted by American police I would make sure I came in dead, not alive...

(What's the point of living to "fry another day" on the "chair" ...?)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood