Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bang! Behind the Door


I DID NOT WRITE THIS!
Long story, but it is by an acquaintance, who left it lying literally in the street. (A she. I don't know that most blokes would be so expressive.) I'm not in touch with her any more. Don't know what happened to her. So from one junkie to another; this is my tribute:

BANG! DID YOU HEAR THAT? Bang! Bang! There it is again. I can't believe it. Another day over. - can you believe it? Bang. Bang. Bang. That's it. Behind the doors for another night. Nothing but my feelings and these four walls. Just me sitting in here, thinking about the outside. The bangs revolve around the wing, from everybody's cells as they lock up. Bang. Bang. Bang. That's everyone locked up now. Now the bangs of the prisoners. Pain. Pain. That is a strong word in prison, because we all feel the pain. Yes, the pain of being away from families, kids. The pain of detoxing. The pain of having your freedom taken away from you - such a pain. Just like a punch in the face. Or a knife in the back. I feel scared. Do you?

How do you feel?

Why do I feel scared? I feel scared because I might get a letter through my door saying your Dad is hurt. Your brother is in prison. Your freind is dead. Your boyfriend has left you. That's why I'm scared. It's because I can't do anything, my hands are tied. I'm behind the door on my own. It might sound mad but I can't wait to hear that Bang Bang again. The Bang Bang to let me know that I can leave my cell. I can go to education. I can just get out. I can be free.

By Hasty,
11th July 2004.
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21 comments:

  1. Naomi 18 July 2007 at 20:24

    huh interesting...i have read your blog or anyone's in so long! i have soooooooo much catching up to do!

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  2. The one18 July 2007 at 20:31

    Strange story, full of death? I think your writing is just a tad more sophisticated!

    don't worry, be happy! Tomorrow could be so much better than today

    cheerio
    sad x

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  3. Gledwood18 July 2007 at 20:52

    Naomi: you surely dooo!!

    Sadgirl: really? I thought this was really ... well, fascinating. She surprised me. I never thought she would come out with such things... you see someone from the "outside" so to speak and never conceive they could ever be so thoughtful. I remember once this specific person sneering at me "what do I know"? type of thing. Well I know about more than you do. Know more about life than using, buying, grasping enough money for more more more drugs. Know a little more about life than that ... truth (of the long story I mentioned) is: that we never really got on. So I grudgingly pay tribute to her expressive skills! No

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  4. Gledwood18 July 2007 at 20:53

    hang on that stopped in mid sentence. But I can't remember what I was going to say ...

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  5. Anonymous18 July 2007 at 21:03

    yeah those last photos are exceedingly steamy i won't say any more... except that scary "funeral" home... wow that looks like a horror film house. i once went to denis nielsen the serial killer's old house with a mate of mine. as we strolled chatting up the road i was all for going right up to the back patio drain where the dismembered body parts were found... we got there, the house is set well up high from the road. lots of dark windows - staring. creaking "for sale" sign. seriously it was the scariest house i have ever been near to if i hadn't have turned and practically ran down that road i think i would have crapped myself

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  6. Audrey18 July 2007 at 23:07

    Im catching up too Gledwood and glad that the situation regarding your being able to stay is perhaps a little more clear, I admire the way you appear to be handling the stress and anxiety it must have caused you

    I find your acqaintances story very moving and I can almost hear those bangs. I hope she found that education and freedom that would allow her to move on in a meaningful way

    Keep strong x Auds

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  7. Welshcakes Limoncello18 July 2007 at 23:12

    Hi, Gleds - catching up, too. So I might have to come over tomorrow to read more. That is very scary - as it is meant to be - what your friend wrote: that feeling of "can't get out" even if something dreadful happens to a loved one is very vivid. Gleds, can't you publish this at least for schools / colleges to read? You would do more good than all the nagging the students get - because you have been there and they would listen to you.

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  8. Gledwood18 July 2007 at 23:28

    WelshcakesI have been thinking of writing my memoirs actually!
    I just have to get all the facts and stuff down in the correct order, then I can fill it out ... my writing style isn't that bad actually. I've read some stuff I did a few years ago and it really isn't bad. Hopefully, if that is the case with my memoirs, they will go on to be the internationally bestselling memoirs of all time. (I am nothing if not competative!)
    Good to hear from you

    Gleds

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  9. Gledwood18 July 2007 at 23:30

    Audrey: she didn't come across as "intellectual" by any means ... but I never had her down as thick either... having said that I was surprised to find her writing with such feeling. I never saw that feeling ever expressed in any other way, which is a shame ... but there you go ...

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  10. ~The Neaves Nest~18 July 2007 at 23:30

    Thanks for visiting our page. The ring is my best friends engagement ring so yes, it is real! Hope you have a blessed week.

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  11. Gledwood18 July 2007 at 23:34

    Thank you... wow that must've cost some cash!! (or creditcard burnup!!) but hey, how vulgar of me to be talking of money like this ... I'm reminded of that quotation of Oscar Wilde's about "he who knows the price of everything knows the value of nothing" ... just as well I don't know the price then, isn't it!!

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  12. Leila19 July 2007 at 00:43

    i want to hear the bang bang too, but this prison is my head tonight

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  13. Alexys Fairfield19 July 2007 at 01:29

    Gleds,
    That was powerful. Thanks for sharing it. I can't get it out of my head. Bang. Bang. Bang.

    Best wishes.

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  14. Bimbimbie19 July 2007 at 04:00

    ... you have been nominated, visit and see what for *!*

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  15. Anonymous19 July 2007 at 06:45

    Hi Gled!
    As you can see I take a look to this blog...and I read bang,
    even if I have to admit that my english is very bad and "out of grace"
    Shame of me!
    however I link you're blog to my page, so I'll read you sometimes.
    It's known that links are streets of memory :)
    Hi dear!

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  16. Puss-in-Boots19 July 2007 at 09:18

    That is such a powerful piece of writing. Combined with your pieces, Gleds, you should publish. I reckon you'd find a wide audience.

    Take care of you and good luck with getting the lock on the door!

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  17. Whitenoise19 July 2007 at 11:36

    Gled- thanks for the visit and the link. Could you send me an email? Addy on the profile.

    cheers

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  18. Lone Grey Squirrel19 July 2007 at 11:48

    I was very moved by her writing. It helps us understand a bit better that feeling of helplessness. Nothing is worse than that. We all need to believe and to hope. Very honest writing. I am impressed.

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  19. Edyta19 July 2007 at 12:35

    GLEDS!
    YES ITS ME!!!!!!!
    at last!
    I'm back! & will be a staler from now. yumie, i'm eating cherries now! yum yum yum yum :D
    & listening to yes - owner of a lonely heart. feelin soooo relaxed. at last the prom, etc - almost everything is over. weeee.
    whats new, gleds?

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  20. Gledwood19 July 2007 at 15:31

    Leila, Alexys - it's good writing isn't it? I think so

    Bimbimbie - ok but lemme check it later! I'm too "snowed" under with stuff right now

    Gelostellato - well you managed to read Bang all right. I wouldn't be able to read instructions on boiling an egg in your language. Let alone an account of a night and day in prison ...

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  21. Gledwood19 July 2007 at 15:34

    Puss in Boots - yeah I am considering doing my memoirs. Once I've found a squat or wherever I'm meant to be going. I wish the council would just chuck me out now as that is what they are going to do

    Whitenoise - ok. o hang on. i will do it 2nite, ok?

    Grey Squirrel - worst thing is I don't even know what's happened to her

    Edyta - what's happening. Housing troubles. But that's about all. I actually feel quite good generally. I want to write my memoirs, but I am waiting till these people leave me alone

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