JUST COME OUT OF THAT CLINIC. I was only 13 minutes late today. Had been procrastinating after the bad-trip carnival of a crowd I had to put up with last week (schizophrenic guy with saw protruding from backpack who believes his old next door neighbour is his brother ~ still after five years after this guy (another junkie) went to rehab and cleaned up his life by the seaside (most rehabs (and I've no idea why) in this country tend to be by the sea. Which explains why the English south coast is so rife with hard drugs. The market is there ~ made up originally of lapsed addicts who moved there via rehab ...
My feet are horrible so I've smothered them in this German or Austrian "FuBbalsam" ~ foot cream ~ containing "Alpenkraeuter" ~ Alpine herbs. It smells a bit of Tiger Balm or Vicks. A mentholated smell. I wonder if that kills off athelete's foot? Nutnut originally gave it to me (the cream, not the athelete's foot) and she knows about hand and foot stuff. So I'm suspecting it's more effective than the more "pharmaceutical" Glaxo-SmithKlein-Beecham version...
In the clinic I saw the nurse. Who was very kind. She wrote out a list of motivational things for me to do (like cleaning up, sending various letters off; little things...) I didn't want to tell her my ambitions. As I said here, ambitions are to be done. But she did say (and this is what I found depressing) that I'm in no state to go to rehab now because my methadone dose is too high and "we'd have to look at lowering that before they would consider you. Otherwise you wouldn't get the funding. And even if you did go, on a 2-week detox you'd be in torment" oh thanks a lot! Shouldn't shoot the messanger, I know. Actually I'm glad someone told me this stuff straight. She did say I ought to stop worrying so much about what I plan or want or think I ought to do in the future and concentrate more on today. OK I get her point, but I've always been one to set goals. If you never set goals you never score them!
And that's my thought for the day.
Or to put it in the words of an old (possibly Chinese (?)) proverb:
If you reach for the stars you might just catch the moon ...
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MY OFFICIAL BLOG RECOMMENDATION OF THE DAY:
Kim in Kenya http://kiminkenya.blogspot.com/
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WILL ANYONE ADMIT TO LIKING the following song?
T'pau's China in Your Hand ..?!? I won't. But if you clickonit you can see the music vid nonetheless ...
Well, I must say your French is quite good! You seem to have a better command of writing it than I do, yet I understood everything you wrote! Thanks again for visiting!
ReplyDeleteAs for your bout with addiction, I am very proud of you for taking the right steps in order to clean yourself up. I don't know much about your ordeal, only to say that we all have our weaknesses and hardships in this life, the greatest thing for us is to never give up. I have battled for years with terrible anxiety and a dependence on a prescribed drug, but am slowly working on moving forward.
Baby steps my friend. Il est difficile, mais pas impossible.
sometimes i too feel very reluctant to tell everything to therapists, the very people you are supposed to feel wont betray you.
ReplyDeleteplease stop by my latest entry, i am very upset about my boyfriend ruby.
On the other hand, if you aim for the moon, you can easily get a star a day.
ReplyDeleteYes, have your ambition, but work at it star by star, day by day. You can do both I think.
i think the therapist is trying to say 'stay in the moment'. but, there lies a balance between the present and the actions we take on a daily basis to get where we want to go. all we can do is aim and reach for that moon, and put in the honest work to get there.
ReplyDeleteHello, Gled -- just touching base. You are going to transcend this, as you have the "right stuff", not the least of which is your intellect working for you.I always say that evolutionary change,sustained over time, and internalized, is far superior to evolutionary changes.
ReplyDeleteMy Best,
Jules
PS> Gled, I just noted that from a PC the computer puts the sidebar at/near the bottom.
ReplyDeleteOur ambitions and dreams will keep us looking in the right direction Gledwood, but its those many small steps that get us to where we eventually want to be.
ReplyDeleteIm a terrible procastinator at times..lol I too have to set myself daily goals at times to get me back on track, but I always include doing something good for me in there..
Hope theres something good for you on that list even if its just spoiling yourself with your favourite meal tommorrow or something like that
I personally like the up front approach. I think the nurse has a point. You do not need to give up on any goals just spend a bit of time on the here and now.
ReplyDeleteWhatever way you choose to be, I am here. I am glad we have met. You have opened my eyes to a totally new perspective. :)
Gled, this reminds me of a John Lee Hooker quote:
ReplyDelete"I have heartaches, I have blues. No matter what you got, the blues is there. 'Cause that's all I know - the blues. And I can sing the blues so deep until you can have this room full of money and I can give you the blues."
Really no escaping the blues in addiction- its a damned if you do damned if you dont kind of thing.
I am still betting on you though- in recovery we only listen to the blues as a tool to remind us of the past.
You know, Gleds, I think you coped with your disappointment about not going into rehab yet pretty well. As you say, the nurse was upfront...after the initial bummer, you cope with it, don't you? Better than giving you false hope.
ReplyDeleteReach for the moon...then reach beyond.
China in Your hand is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteShe was quite cute as well.
Thanks for the nice words. This blue will blow over. I haven't been writing on my own blog because of it. I just hate writing about having a bad time of it.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of... I had to quit reading mid way through Chapter ten. Very take-you-there writing my friend—it took me back to a place I didn't want to go. It was the first trigger I have had in quite a while. No worries though, it was easily managed. I only mention it as a testament to your descriptive abilities. And I ran speed. Not even heroin! (I know it's back assward, but it IS meant as a compliment)
I think it's a good sign whenever you get a medical professional to tell you like it is. Especially when your looking at addiction treatment. It's evil for someone to be wasting one's time with misinformation when people trying to quit can least deal with that sort of thing. At least you can manage your expectations better and work on the issue holistically—so you can be where you need to be when you take the next step. Totally do-able Gleds. Totally.