Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bluesday Tuesday

BLUESDAY TUESDAY: BOO-HOO! Yeah, I'm OK. No I'm not OK. I'm depressed because I lately came to realize how incapacitated I have been by sheer apathy. Inability isn't a word I use lightly here but if you intellectually know you're meant to be doing something, sorting something out and yet days pass into months with this thing still notdone and though you know it there is still noting you can do to move yourself towards it; you have passed from unwilling to unable.

Unable to do the simplest things for yourself unless they lie, like train-stations on the self-same structured looping tracks ... Daily running round and round. But only between those repetitive same few things.

In my deepest pits I totally absconded doing anything for myself like cleaning, cooking, even washing and changing clothes. I tried hard to break free from this morass of self-disrespect. So though I did resume cooking; I could only cook the one new thing. The very same dish. Day after day. (Remember: this was the era of the beef and lamb stew. Alternating meats felt a big liberation for me and not to be taken lightly. It almost felt like breaking some unwritten rules ...) I've always been prone to falling in love with one single dish of the day and making it the dish of every day for days on end until even I get sick of it. I can't understand why on earth I'm like this. And I don't, on a day-to-day basis recognize I'm doing it "oh! I'm being obsessional again!": I just do it. My writing may seem reflective but I don't engage in self-reflection as frequently as you might assume. And you don't know how much this confession pains me: I'm a 35 year old man who's lost the wherewithall to function as a grown-up, self-sufficient member of society. Addiction is of course a grossly prolonged state of repetitions. And the OCD of my childhood span round and round: "Germs. Germs. Now wash your hands," like a stuck record. The issue here isn't fishing out from my festering morass some excuse for my behaviour by merely spotlighting it. I'm asking: how do I break out of this broken-down way of existence? How do I get free? Do I make another circle to run in? Or do I break down the fences to ramble hapless and confusedly, freestyling my life when I've never before let myself fly free...?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Vids of the day:
Music -
1. Amy Winehouse on Letterman performing "Rehab"
2. Amy Winehouse at Joe's Pub NYC performing "Back to Black"
Entertainment -
Amy Winehouse on Australian Sunrise TV
at

18 comments:

  1. Naomi 14 August 2007 at 17:55

    In ways i understand what you are talking about. We get caught in a rut and endless circle taht we can not break free of. Me whenever I get home i don't wanna clean i just wanna sleep. And at work...i waste unbelievable amounts of time on the interent. Even when I've done everything there is to do on the net I do it again and again. I check my blog every 5 minutes that typa thing. I try to break out of it and do my work but I can't i'm stuck in the rut. I despise myself for letting my work slip but yet i continue to only get things done when I hAVE to and there is no longer a choice. It is a vicious place to get. I definitely feel for u.

    And I absolutely love Amy Whinehouse...good choices for today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Liz Hinds14 August 2007 at 18:24

    I've never heard Amy Winehouse before: she's great. A bit Cher-ish.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Empress Bee (of the high sea)14 August 2007 at 18:52

    hi gled! i have been keeping up with you on my reader but not coming here and commenting because of your using. it is just too hard for me sometimes. right now my son is clean but as we all know that can change at any time. i understand addiction and i wish you well. i'll pop in once in awhile, but if you get clean, i'll be here ever day!!!

    smiles, bee

    ReplyDelete
  4. RUTH14 August 2007 at 18:57

    Wish I had the answer to your questions Gleds. Bit of a bluesday myself; always get like this when it's rainy. Hope you can find the right answers...I think they will come from you yourself though
    {{HUGS}}
    Rx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Naomi 14 August 2007 at 19:27

    a chocolate cake eh? That totally suites you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tashi14 August 2007 at 19:54

    Thanks for your comment. You have a nice blog too. Keep up your good job. I have another blog powered by wordpress here http://tashi-khoo.com Please feel free to visit when you have the time ya. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Welshcakes Limoncello14 August 2007 at 21:27

    Hi, Gleds. Well, first of all thanks for AW clip. I know you'll think I've been on another planet - which I have, planet Sicily! - but although I knew about her I never heard her before. And I'm a somewhat moody strawberry cake ! [True about the moodiness.] I don't think your behviour here is in any way "not normal" - you're just honest about it! Apathy is my default state and I think it's quite OK to cook something you like and eat it till you get sick of it. Hey, Gleds, you're "normal"!! Seriously, you are doing remarkably well. Auguri from Sicily.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bimbimbie14 August 2007 at 21:39

    hi gledwood, thanks for more on Amy.
    Your local pet shop people sound like they got their training from Monty Python ... poor old Charlie and your hampster!
    Your right, carpet snakes are non-venomous, they just like to hug very, very tightly *!*

    I hope you can figure out answers to your questions. Apathy strikes us all in different degrees, and before we know it it's become a bad habit ... little steps are needed to replace it with a new healthier habit that takes you away from the apathy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Audrey14 August 2007 at 22:33

    Dont be so hard on yourself Gleds to break free from the morass as you say and resume cooking is no small task and I for one enjoyed reading those posts.

    I have to agree with Welshcakes and your looking for your own way forward, it will come gleds, just do what you can and not what you cant used to be my motto when I found myself in this place, I appreciate its not an easy place to be in.

    In the meantime remember your doing something valuable with this blog.

    Thanks for your comment and lol did I really say flamenco...heres to flying free one day x Auds

    ReplyDelete
  10. Zen Wizard15 August 2007 at 01:03

    I feel your pain...the hardest thing to break out of is a rut.

    The universe moves on God's time and not our time is part of the problem.

    Sometimes WE are bored with repetition but God--or a higher power if you will--isn't bored with us being bored with it yet.

    There definitely IS some purpose or something you should be doing besides the daily routine--I don't presume to tell you what that is.

    Obviously, if you have struggled with and over come an addiction it might be COUNSELING--and I don't know that much about you but that might involve you going back and getting your MA (or whatever the equivalent of an MA is in England) or PhD.

    And that is a really hard road--

    But again, you have to summon all of your inner resources to get out of a rut...

    Here's what I do--think of the alternative. I don't want to get political here, but it is like the Coalition in Iraq--failure is not an option, because the consequences of failure are unthinkable.

    The consequences of staying in a rut are also unthinkable--you die a bitter old man lying on your death bed thinking about how you wasted all your potential.

    Anyway, Godspeed whatever you do.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wayward Son15 August 2007 at 05:32

    I kind of relate to this state of inertia. Not so much now but certainly in my younger days and most definitely during the years of my using. I am not sure which fed which—using drugs or feeling inert.

    For as long as I can remember I would always listen to a song I liked over and over and over until I was done with it. I was like that about many things and now I wonder if it was not me being afflicted with a mild strain of my own obsessive compulsive disorder. One thing I know about why I have been able to quit the first time out is that I had done drugs until I was just done with it. It took a long time for me to be done with it and at just seven months I cannot for certain say what the future holds in that regard. But for now it's just an old song I don't want to hear anymore. Clearly it's becoming that way for you as well.

    Heidi and Moxie are not my dogs though how I wish they were. They belong to a good friend of mine in Sacramento... the one I credit with saving my life by providing a restorative and safe harbor for me to detox at. When I went there I would take long walks and Heidi would come with me. That's how she and I became the best of friends. When I visit now she remembers. Moxie had not even been born then.

    Any way... I've been wrapped up in trying to get a job and been remiss in my blog travels... Everythimng gets better when we let Gleds. That's all I know right now.

    BTW, do you have Meerkat Manor over there? It's my new obsession! Check it out on Animalalanet.com (http://animal.discovery.com/)

    Take care, WS

    WS

    ReplyDelete
  12. junky15 August 2007 at 05:50

    Didn't it used to be called "suicide Tuesday"? Not that I'm trying to encourage this type of behavior you understand.
    Go visit my blog would ya I tagged you.
    love and kisses

    ReplyDelete
  13. jmb15 August 2007 at 08:57

    Hi Gleds,
    I've given you an award today. Come over and get it.
    regards
    jmb

    ReplyDelete
  14. Merle15 August 2007 at 15:48

    Hi Gleds ~~ Thanks for more music and
    insights into your life. Sorry you are feeling down and hope you soon can smile again and be happy.
    Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. You do well to post so regularly. Take great care, Regards,
    Merle.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lone Grey Squirrel15 August 2007 at 17:45

    Gleds, I think you'd be surprised just how many of us fall victim to apathy and get stuck in a rut. And it is equally not uncommon for many of us to need help to get out of the rut. This may be even in the form of a friend just yelling at us to go through the routine and just go that much further each day.....our personal cheerleader and trainer if you like. It could even be a fellow user. Just agree to be accountable to each other and cheer each other on when things go well and pick each other up when it doesn't. We all need that.

    I'm just learning about Ms. Winehouse. Thanks for the vids.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Gledwood15 August 2007 at 20:36

    this is a memo to self:

    o man that is so typical i get annoyed whenever i buy products that are meant to be miniaturized anyhow and yet the packaging is as big and extensive and complex as possible... all to create the big impression you're undergoing a major life experience as you unwrap your fantastic new purchase, know what I mean??

    ReplyDelete
  17. Gledwood15 August 2007 at 20:37

    THANKS EVERYONE for your lovely messages... sorry for not responding individually to each i would get gleddered out!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Workman15 August 2007 at 22:05

    Hi Gleds. I have found that the only way to break free from a rut is to do it! Sounds simplistic...but it really can be.
    Of course, easier said than done, especially for others!
    I feel your angst!
    If it means anything....your rut produces some really good writing though!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

For legal reasons, comments that incite hatred, racism, issue threats or include personal contact information will be deleted.