IS EVERYONE GOING TO HATE ME NOW BECAUSE I KICKED OFF MY LAST POST WITH TALK ABOUT DRUGS? I went bloghopping earlier and found myself at some pretty good sites by people with names like Teacher Bee and her friends... Now I bet they will hate me. Remember that guy called Path whose blog I enthusiastically commented on bc it was brimming with funky snapshots of Berlin? And who came by here leaving a snidey comment about my "boring dope stories" ... well I am an addict. And I have consciously cut down the drugtalk in recent weeks in preparation for my eventual leaving of all that nasty scene behind. But I gotta mention them sometime; specially times like today when I find them lying free on the pavement!
When I saw that psychiatrist last time I said to him I was thinking of nominating a day and just stopping from there (I do have methadone already, remember. I'm just useless at sticking it just that. Methadone should not leave you feeling at all sick. You should feel perfectly straightened out and normal on it. If you are sweating conkers or shivering or having constant hot flushes on methadone days then the dose is not high enough. This is borderline the case with me; but I don't want them upping it evermore. I'll end up drinking a fishtank full every day... Anyway this psychiatrist said quitting on a nominated day and just stopping forever from that date was a bad idea as you've been taking this stuff practically daily for donkeys' years on end... and also that is putting too much pressure on yourself over one single day. Select many single days and just do not use on all of them... That was his philosophy. He seemed to believe NA put undue pressure on addicts over the fact that using alcohol or any drug at all is considered "using" by that fellowship... I do get his point. I've known one person in particular who "relapsed" by taking sleeping pills... believed all the good work he'd put in over the predeeding two years to have been scrapped and was back on heroin and crack within a week... THAT is what I consider a dangerous state of mine. Addiction is a single condition and you're an addict no matter what drugs you take. That does NOT make all drugs the same! One thing I noticed in NA: a lot of people in there seemed to have lost sight of that particular fact. Having said that, NA is a brilliant place that does work for those who "keep coming back and work it". I've seen THAT fact with my own eyes. So don't think I'm doing them down because I'm not.
Tonight's the night I go back to my memoirs... I have a LOT more of this chapter one or two (depending whether I break the story up there)... the entire history of my childhood. All I've said so far is that basically I was born into a different age! With 3 channels on black and white television, no video recorders, no freezers in our house, no microwaves and that when I was very little I went hiking with my parents through a disused railway tunnel and saw for myself the meaning of "light at the end of the tunnel"... an experience that would come back to me with greater meaning in the light (or dark) of my subsequent addiction to this heroin ...
... And I'll tell you something else: I think I just told you in a paragraph a message that took eight hundred words and several hours of scribbling to word not as well! Maybe I'll scrap it all and just quote the above.
Maybe.
When I have something even half finished by way of introductory chapter(s) as I said, I shall post it here for yous. Only thing is I won't be able to post the entire book because, legally speaking, that would mean I had already self-published and might compromise the situation re agents/publishers. The fact that only about 60 people a day visit here would be neither here nor there if they decided I'd somehow "breached" my own copyright. You know what lawyers are like.
Before I go I will mention that - wow! - I actually saw Yangyang the Chinese hamster venturing out of his nest today. Now that is a turnup for the proverbial "books" ... He is the shyest, most retiring hamster I have ever come across. I think he has hamster depression, though I'm not sure why. His millet spray was barely touched though the Robos have demolished both of theirs... If I were American I'd take him to the vet's to get hammy-sized Prozac...
Must go and get scribbling. Wish me luck!
Here's wishing you all the luck in the world.
ReplyDeleteDon't stop sharing about your drug dependence. Just don't surrender totally to it. We're here to cheer you on. We want you to succeed in kicking drugs because there is more to enjoy and relish in life.
ReplyDeleteAnd so we look forward to hearing you progress along that journey. However, when you take a step backward, it's not the end of the world. Just try to take two steps forward the next time. I appreciate that you are honest about your feelings and experiences.
Hey, it's your blog, Gleds, you can write about whatever you like. If there are boring people who don't like reading what you write, they can just naff off without reading anything...it's that simple. But, of course, some people are too stupid to do that and can't resist moaning and criticising.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, that psychiatrist seems to have the right idea...quitting cold turkey is not good for your system (not that the drugs are, either), but gradually weaning off them, as in his suggestion, is at least a start.
Hang in there, Gleds, it'll happen for you one day...and I want to hear about it when it does.
Cheers and have a good week.
Hi Gleds ~~ Robyn is right - you write what you want. We want to know how you are going and wishing you the very best. I enjoyed seeing Kylie -as
ReplyDeleteshe is not a favourite of mine, but the video was good and Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. is a really good song. As for where you place the videos, again, where you want them!!
People who want to see them will go to where they are. Whichever is easiest. Keep up the good work.
Kind regards, Merle.
Hey, thanks for the Nick Cave. It reminded me of a good friend of mine and I sent her the link to your blog.
ReplyDeleteShe is very cool and I think would enjoy every thing you have to say.
Good luck with your scribbling. Keep your energy up.
Can't have scribblies with out some nibblies.
I posted my last comment before seeing the Big Girl video so I have to add on that It Was Awesome.
ReplyDeleteWhat fun, I hope it is empowering to big girls everywhere.
I have never heard of Mika (or many of the artists you feature) Is it a Brit thing? Anyway, I am here to learn. Thanx again.
Hi Gleds I agree with others its your blog, If others dont like what you write let them go else were.
ReplyDeleteMFiler: thanxx!
ReplyDeleteLoneGrey: thing is i've almost run out of things to say about that it is boring even me now!
Puss-in-Boots: I think you're right... i didn't mean totally cold turkey tho i meant just going with a jolt from heroin/methadone to just methadone... i suppose that isn't the best idea either
Merle: that is a good point... i sometimes stop thinking it is my blog and think it is just for other people. i suppose
ReplyDeleteJim D: good I hope she does like it... i had never seen that big girl vid before today, in fact i had heard of mika but knew nothing about the guy he is better than lily allen i think.. doesn't sware for one thing
Jeanette: i agree with you NOW, but i used to think it was not my blog it was only for other people
where i got that idea from i do not know...
"One thing I noticed in NA: a lot of people in there seemed to have lost sight of that particular fact. Having said that, NA is a brilliant place that does work for those who "keep coming back and work it". I've seen THAT fact with my own eyes"
ReplyDeleteI feel like this undermines the delicacy of your own insights about the problems with NA.
ps. i think that we are taking different methadone!!
ReplyDeletewell what i mean is IF you can stick with their programme and do it by the rules i've seen na DOES work for lots of people...
ReplyDeletehaving said that people there get this overenthusiasm thing a lot of the time and often seem to possess the opinion that NA is the ONLY way to get clean... NOT SO
also i was being diplomatic as i know at least 2 or 3 people who go to na read this blog
re the methadone we most certainly are... mine is 1mg in 1ml ... i bet yours is 10mg in 1ml ... ie i have to drink a bottle full a day i bet yours fits into a large capful??? am i right???
Jim: sorry i missed the last bit of your query... about the music.
ReplyDeletewell yeah i suppose they are british
what do i mean i suppose they ARE
the papers keep saying Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse and Mika have "cracked America" ... I take it this is NOT really true then?
Kylie Minogue is a megastar of the pop world... the only country she is NOT widely known in is America!
The British equivalent to her would be Robbie Williams... Americans always assume one's talking about Robin Williams... absolutely no connexion he is probably the topselling act in the world not to be famous in the USA...
the other stuff... i spose some of it is just a bit quirky that would be why you don't know it
Amy Winehouse is very familiar, I hear her music on radio and tv shows. I didn't even know she was English until this morning when I heard her talking in an interview. Kylie's name is very familiar, but I don't really have exposure to pop or club music. That is why I need you to train me. haha. Most Brit pop icon names I am familiar with come from Ab Fab addiction. Such as Lulu. I know her name from Ab Fab but that is all.
ReplyDeleteRemember, I currently live in Maine. Not quite the club music part of the country. hehe. I moved here from key west tho, and I dream of partying in Ibiza.
cheers!
your blog is yours; write what you want! Good luck! Thanks for visiting my blog and your thoughtful comments; really appreciated!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure.. i have the pink stuff.. do you?
ReplyDeletedo you have email?
ReplyDeleteGled, You MUST listen to me and believe. I may not be rich or famous yet, but I AM an actual professional editor and writer! Dammit.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is spot-on. The better you are, the more controversy you will draw, the more you will inspire feeling in readers. Sometimes the feelings will not be good. But it means they are thinking about what you write and reacting; that my friend is the sign of a great story.
Write what you want to write. I am a recovering (sometimes) addict as well. If I have a hard time or a bad day, shit, I'll post a whole page about drugs. My feeling is, read it or don't. Free country.
For me, establishing my own rules about quitting and adapting them when I felt it in the best interest of my recovery, worked... or is working. Something i said in my group once seems to resonate with many—it was in reference to how getting clean was not enough and how the other half of the equation was just as daunting. I said i felt as if I had dug myself out of a hole only to find myself at the foot of a very huge mountain. And I think it is like that. But for whatever you decide to give up and for whenever you decide to do it, it happens one day at a time. In fact, i have found that all of life happens one day at a time. Who knew?
ReplyDeleteI think when you have had your fill you will find a way. Whenever that is, I know that you can do it.
ooo let me come back to this in a sec... v involved for Monday afternoon!!
ReplyDeleteJim: ah, but if they're famous in America they gotta be famous in Maine... & Steven King lives there!
ReplyDelete: thank you!
Ivy: oh no ours is GREEN all the time... or so I've been told but never seen ... yellow...
Ivy: it is nearly ALWAYS green and 1mg/1ml... VERY occasionally you can get 10mg in 1mg but I seriously doublt they would ever let you walk out of the pharmacy with that in your hand... it would be too "injectable"... what hypocrisy! because they also provide ampules of 50mg in 1ml FOR injecting... these are hardly ever available on the national health though you gotta go private to get them and I hear they corrode the veins even MORE than citricated brown heroin
ReplyDeleteMeeyaw: yes I do
Meeyaw: it is
ReplyDeletehammynutter@lycos.com!
Aintneverscared: so sorry I got these comments the other day and somehow omitted to answer them... you really think it is spot-on? Good I only hope I can keep that spot-on-ness through the handwritten drafts and computer typed out version to the final book!
ReplyDeleteGood point: I see what you mean. Someone who never offends is pretty much not worth reading, yes
Wayward: are you talking about the difference between "merely" cleaning up and fully "recovering" ... ie recovery being the mountain?
ReplyDeleteI live about 20 minutes from Stephen King. I ran into him shopping at Borders book store and talked to him once. (We were both browsing the monster magazine section)
ReplyDeletewow!
ReplyDeleteIs Stephen King all right now? I heard he got really badly smashed up in an accident... then held hostage by Kathy Bates... hang on am I confusing him with James Caan..??