Finally: Sleep

FINALLY I DID SLEEP last night. For nine, ten or even twelve hours. Slept so long in fact I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in withdrawal sweats (had forgotten to take methadone). This has not happened for some time usually I'm panicking about taking drugs to the point of veering on too early not too late. I used to get really bad night sweats when I was solidly addicted to heroin and relying upon it literally to get through every aspect of the day ie to get up (or feel OK once got up), to eat (could barely force food past my mouth without banging up first and may the fact that I was verging towards OVERWEIGHT and not under tell how much into that drug I was)... then I had to do it again in order to sleep. Without heroin I could sleep a bit but would invariably wake within 2 hours or 4 at best and end up using. Then I could sleep through till morning.

{I didn't actually have "gear" every night; when I didn't was when I had those dreadful sweats. I also remember sweating heavily on winter's days no matter how cold it was and screaming in fury and despair as the wind a few times turned on me, drenched blasting sub-zero ice-upon-icewater. Absolutely horrible. And yet I would patiently wait, wait, wait for the dealer often in a needlessly ill-chosen park, he eventually showed and then half an hour home by buses, walks whatever. blah blah. I did use outside many a time but those specific winters' days were FAR FAR FAR too cold to so much as roll a sleeve up let alone strip practically naked as is required today!!!}

Apart from the sweats what did waken me was a so-called "book at bedtime" or daily book {actually "book of the week"; they always make things confusing on Radio 4} I will try and give the link here about the Black Death in 14th century Norfolk. The most graphic description of being in the house with a man who suddenly came down with plague, the oozing apple-sized "carbuncle" or abscess as we'd call it today in his groin, the black patches on his skin, ravings, raging fever so bad that when lucid enough he would fight out of the bed screaming that he had to douse himself in the river for he was "on fire" it was absolutely horrific and certainly not what I really needed to hear at that moment... and yet oh so addictive I could not resist tuning in for the next instalment this morning!! (The night reading is a repeat...) Click on the words black death capitalized in pink to get straight for the link, then select listen again. The link goes to the exact episode I heard last night. Don't delay too long; they only keep such stuff online for a week afterwards...

Anyway today, apart from... actually WHY does this sort of stuff happen to ME all the time I was so dizzy and uncertain and fumbly or trembly (though I did not at the time assume this to be "the shakes") that some kids came up from behind on the pretence of asking the time at first I assumed they were up to no good or wanted to sell me drugs though they looked a bit young. Then they asked me what on earth was wrong with me probably wanting to know if I was drunk or on drugs (I was STONE COLD SOBER and had only drunk that nighttime dose of methadone) I neeed MORE tonight else I'll get ill yet again ... yeah so they asked me this question; they weren't really being rude. So I answered truthfully I just feel ill? What do you mean? I don't know I just feel ill (well I wasn't going to start saying "oh i feel so dizzy" to a complete pair of strangers who probably just wanted an excuse to laugh at me. Then one pointed out it was probably because I was smoking a cigarette and I told him he was probably right!

I actually felt like my body was out of alignment with where it was supposed to be, as if I'd been on a boat for some days and suddenly disembarked. Or as if my "soul" was about to float off into space..(!!) Finally I resorted to alchol after Mother Hubbs got into a real flap over this as if I was guilt-tripping her (but I wasn't! & told her there was nothing she could do; nothing I expected out of her)... I did start feeling all right after that oh I really do hope this isn't ALL brought about JUST by drinking I was terrified of that. SURELY I haven't truly been drinking enough and for long enough to get anything like such strong "withdrawal symptoms" if this is what they've been... On the positive side I feel about 99% positive I'm able to quit drink which is far better than I feel about heroin or methadone I can tell you...

OK I'd better go in case this goes missing. I'm posting at the dodgy caff again. It's been SHUT FOR 3 days AFTER I GAVE IN MY MONEY ok only £5 but how annoying I was all up for barging in, taking 8 cans of coke out of their fridge (in payment for services not received), shoving the details in his face and demanding my account with £4 left should be immediately closed but of course as soon as I saw glowing computers (today at last) I relented and logged on instead...

ps oh no i couldn't resist keying in "bubonic plague symptoms" ~ absolutely gruesome no wonder that guy thought he was on fire!¬

pps this internet guy is such a character. He must be in financial troubles though... He's kept his landlord here the 2 hrs I've been in here on a false promise of money: first £150 then down to £75 then £50 though I assume the rest is still owed. So the landlord's back is to me, but he's saying "I don't understand what you're saying" to the internet guy who catches my eye (I honestly wasn't trying to give a look but my eyes are too expressive and powerful this has got me in trouble loads of times) then he can't stop smiling and the landlord's still ranting at him but the internet guy looks like a naughty schoolboy. I had to quickly look at my screen so as not to cause more trouble..(!_)