Seems this alcohol thing might be on or vaguely crossing a borderline between being OK just to stop and suffering for it. I wouldn't really say "shakes" ~ how I feel each morning before 1 drink which in my case means 3.75 units or nearly 2 pints of ordinary pub beer I feel all kind of fumbly and dizzy and have trouble fishing in pockets, holding anything still (no matter how important even if it's a spoonfull of expensive gear)... blah blah. I'm more open than the average person to believe that anything like "shakes" can be consciously or unconsciously brought on or exaggerated especially to "validate" some suffering but I'm pretty sure this isn't what's going on here. I think the antidepressants are doing something but not that much. I feel all over the place and have been brought to see, if anything how I'm NOT COPING and barely able to maintain anything of a normal life. Bear in mind that when I mention cooking is just about the only time I ever try it. My room is a mess. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. (How did it ever get this bad...?) I feel like I'm bordering on freefalling into total "crisis"... in which I agree with JMB's comment yesterday that this is all caused by a horrible melange of difficulties not any one thing (not just alcohol). I'm sure I'm not not "mentally ill" either though I feel like checking myself in the assylum because I feel like I can barely cope any more.When there's lots of facets to a situation you can only at best even try to figure or fight them one by one. To quote a Chinese proverb that I'm glad I remember: "he who tries to catch 2 rabbits grabs neither"...
Well I'm OK enough to post and that's SOMETHING sorry I can't write anything much more light or "inspiring" .. %->...
15 comments:
Hi Gleds ~~ At least you are posting, so that is something good in your life. Being in touch with friends and knowing we care what happens to you. I do hope you soon feel better. Try to look after yourself, and the Hammies, and feel better soon. Take great care,
Love, Merle.
The hammies are fine at least! Thanks.
Your are completely right, it is never just one thing that leads up to a personal state of crisis. If you take away the drugs and drink you are left with guilt and regret. It takes a fine balance to be able to coordinate your recovery, otherwise, it spirals into a vicious cycle. The infuriating part of it is that the support system that should be in place to help you get through is full of holes.
I have been through a pretty horrific episode with depression that lasted about a year. I had extreme anxiety attacks to the point where I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't be out in public and was self destructive. There was one moment that I can recall sitting in my mom's backyard when a rain storm came through. My mom called me in and I choose to sit there, in the rain amongst the elements. It was at that point that I decided that I loved life and wanted to be a part of it. For me to do so I would have to go back to places that were pretty awful and address those experiences head on. I took myself off of meds because I needed to feel it all. I am not saying that is what you should do...but you need to find your reason to make yourself better.
Again, you seem to have many people here that do care and wish you the best. There is a reason for that, people don't get involved unless it is worth it.
I hope that you are able to overcome this Gled.
its so sad reading your posts... you wont know this but it reminds me of how my husband used to be while addicted to alcohol... you wont know this either but he died.. almost a year ago.... Please take care :-)
`hello, gled, i`m so happy that you have return to my blog!!!
i`haven`t got much time lately, so i`m sorry too if i missed some of your posts...
well, what`s happening in portugal is that our team is doing a great job in the switzerland Euro2008, and we are simply histerical around here.
our team is passed to 4er finals of the tournament, and the portuguese who live there in switzerland are going crazy and follow the team bus where ever they go, it`s pure madness!!!!
the rest of the teams i haven´t payed too much attention, except Greece, because they won the Euro2004 here in portugal against us, so i`m anxious for them to fall!!! hihihihihi so that`s it!!! the Euro fever in portugal!!!
Gledwood I don't mean to sound naive or preachy but have you thought about rehab. Does the health system provide these services? It's so hard trying to do things on your own. You mention your 'case worker' quite a lot,can she/he help? Taking the first step is the toughest but if you have someone to hold your hand it might just work.
Don't pressure yourself too much and please put your Blog Readers near the end of your line of worry! We will still be here when you're strong enough to cope with us as after dealing with other things first. I know sometimes blog friends can be what you need to pull you through in the end so ignore the first part of my comment if you feel that way. I'm glad the hammies are fighting fit and you're on your way!
things hapen by degrees, when you think...how did it get this bad? it didn;t happen overnight, and getting better will happen by degrees too. little steps, somethimes 2 steps forward and 1 step back when there are strong winds pushing against you. But I know you have faith in yourself.
Gled, isn't there any chance you could go into some rehab, so you don't have to deal with this all by yourself hon?
I go with your surity that your not mentally ill too and agree with JMB's comment too. May sound glib to you Gleds if so I apologies now but this comes from my own experience,that at times when we feel we are freefalling into crisis we still have control,things we know help us,calm us if even for a little while, dont push yourself too hard and dont be emotionally hard on yourself, rest and think about the rabbit thats worth grabbing and see what it has to tell you...Your stronger than you think and wise..........and no matter how overpowering feelings can be they can change..worth remembering. Find some positives links to your life and enjoy.e.g Your furry little robo's, your blog and all the people on it willing to come time and time again to be with you because your someone special and have taught us so much ( speaking for myself here ) xx Auds
sorry i'm doing this quick but I did read everything
yes we all have more control than we think (thank God)
drink I know is getting a grip on me (bad)
I dont wanna die of it/drugs
I have thought of rehab but ran out FAR too quick last 2 times (bad move: they should have realized I was not READY!!!)
anxiety is a bummer I only had one bad attack but on ACID! that was truly HORRIBLE!!!
Oh Gleds you sound at rock bottom honey. I do wish you could get the help you need I truly do.
Many, probably all of the secondary symptoms- depression, confusion, "mental illness"- are all just byproducts of drug use. Get clean first. You'd be surprised at how many things that'll fix.
Gledwood, dear sweet boy, you need help. Is there no-one who can support you? You can't do this alone, babe.
As far as mental health goes, you have an illness - like me: I have depression/anxiety - and you need help with it. Don't struggle on alone.
But don't beat yourself up either. WE're all out here willing you on. xx
Encouraged by the fact that you are posting, Gleds. Thinking of you and love from Sicily.
Post a Comment