MY GRAN DIED AT THE WEEKEND. She had been battling terminal cancer for over a year and was living life in such a medication-blurry daze she barely knew what was what or where or whether she was coming or going. Not that "coming or going" was an issue any more; from my understanding she was almost totally bedridden for the last months of her life.
I sent some letters and got one extremely shaky reply, which was touching. To see my Gran, who had been a secretary all her working life and wrote immaculately, fading before me on paper as it were, in tiny, shaky writing, just about said it all.
In the end, letters had to be read aloud as and when she was conscious enough to take bits in. Not fully realizing this there was one particular missive in which I really did prattle away, yakking on about the intricacies of the Japanese writing system (because very gradually I am learning Japanese) and illustrating my descriptions with characters from the Chinese. My poor Uncle, who'd had to battle through all this, (I heard months later) had said they were fascinating...
She left me some poetry books. Here in tribute, by William Wordsworth, was one we both liked:
"Daffodils" (1804)
I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
MUSIC
AGNUS DEI sung to BARBER'S ADAGIO by the CHOIR OF TRINITY COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE
THIS is the musical tribute I wanted my Gran to have. It's the best version of this classic tune ("music from Platoon") that I know:
For Boud
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Saw this on Twitter. From Joy @jollytoadstool
"Last winter was the forgotten tea dye project dyeing wool with teas found
undrunk & unwanted in cupboards...
6 hours ago
28 comments:
I'm so sorry Gled :( Losing someone is always so hard, but I'm sure it's nice knowing her suffering has come to an end. Best wishes to you and your family.
Sorry for your loss Gleds - terminal cancer took both of my parents so I am quite familiar with what it leaves behind. Time heals all.
Thanks. Biggest irony was, as far as I understand she wasn't really in pain most of the time, thanks to enormous doses of morphine/etc.
It feels weird to me writing a public blog and feeling responsible because anyone could read it, that opiates aren't always "wrong"... it was thanks to these she slept through months of what would otherwise have been terrifying unremitting agony. Were it not for the painkilling drugs I cannot imagine how bad it might have been...
Sorry too. My grandad died of bowel cancer and my mum told me they gave him a shot of diamorphine. When he came round he said 'that felt so good' and the nurse replied 'it was heroin'. He had a huge bottle of morphine by his bedside in his final days. Being an ulster orange man and a wee bit right wing I don't think he would have been too happy admitting he 'enjoyed' heroin but there you go.
At least your Gran left you some nice books to delve into and remember her by. I can see where the literary genes come from.
take care xk
cheers ;->...
It's a gorgeous day (in East London at least). if you're not stuck at work why not go out and feel the sun warm your back?
I have to get my head down now and get a job application in for Senior Graphic Designer at The Southbank Centre, it's a long shot but one can only try.
ice cold beer...mmmmm
chin up ;-D
actually I am (which is why I can't log in again) on my way "out" as we speak... cheerio!!
i am so sorry to hear that xxx
my nan is 82 and i dont know what i will do without her. my prayers are with you both x
Sorry to hear about your loss. At least she is a peace now and out of pain. Take in the day and let the sun shine on your face, it always helps me ;)
NAOMI: cheers. I'm glad she's "in a better place now" ...
EILEEN/REENY: Yeah I'm glad she's gone in the sense we'd pretty much lost her already. She was way too out of it for me to phone her or anything...
Sunshine: I might have to wait a bit for sunshine the weather's a bit inbetween, aye
No thank you - I'll proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs please
I lost my Mum and my Gran to cancer - terrible disease. I'm sorry to hear you've lost your gran Gleds. May her journey home be a peaceful and happy one. x
Gleds, I am so sorry to hear about your gran. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
so sorry for your loss, gledwood. it's not easy to say goodbye to those so dear to us. i am sorry the last year was such a difficult one for your gran but it makes me smile to think she still enjoyed your letters. i wish you peace and comfort.
Sorry Gleds and also accept my condolences. My father died of cancer too, never took more than Panadol Forte through the whole thing. Stoic lads these men from Lancashire.
Sorry about your Gran.
THANKS EVERYONE...
I'm posting Perfect Day up tomorrow, I don't really want Trainspotting and my Gran going together...
I wanted a tune that really WAS in memorium, so see what you think of this new one Agnus Dei/Barber's Adagio by Trinity College Choir
I am very sorry for your loss. I still miss my gran to this day. it has been 30 years
big hugs to you Gleds, thinking of you today with best wishes my friend.
I'm terrible when it comes to condolences because to me it always sounds so generic and a bit trite but I suppose there's really no other way to say it.
Sorry for you loss G. and I hope there are brighter days to come.
~Melody
I hope she is in the peaceful, pain free place by now. God Bless.
Damn. Sad story about your gran, but I love this post about her. Though I never knew her, you certainly made a nice tribute to this woman.
Sorry to hear about your gran, Gled.
Thank y'all!...
May her memory be Eternal, Gled!
I love that poem-- it's one of my favorites!
Cheers. She loved Wordsworth, I had mixed feelings, but that one I do like...
I'm sorry about your grandmother. My grandmother also liked Wordsworth. She read poetry to me also. I'm sure that your grandmother knew how loved she was. My condolences.
cheers ;->...
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