I am making yet another attempt at living completely heroin-free. I failed before because I didn't know how to do it. Now I have better ideas. For one thing, because I'm miserable without that in my system, no matter how much methadone I take, I came to the conclusion I somehow have to learn to enjoy misery. How on earth I shall manage that I don't know.I don't want to go on injecting all my life. My veins have run out and unless I want to go in the femoral (crook of the thigh) or jugular (neck) I really have run out of options. Sticking needles in the feet and the veins still blowing is unspeakably horrible. And it makes me feel like a desperate, desperate junkie.
Well I think I passed one test today: as I walked out here I spied a dealer ambulating down the other side of the street. In previous times I'd have called out, coughed up all my money and promised to settle the balance (because I didn't have £10 on me) tomorrow. And I didn't. Of course I was rewinding this over and over my head for the next half hour ... but, y'know... one step at a time ...
PS Tiny trotterdonkeys of the deep... Yesterday's seahorses post now has the videos I omitted to add: see the very end of it.
... But here's perhaps the oddest looking seahorse of them all: the East Asian Dragon Seahorse, filmed here in Singapore Sea Life Centre:
PPS Good luck to all Germans on today's elections. You'll need it...
12 comments:
What a wondrous creature!
I don't think you'll learn to enjoy misery BUT perhaps you can learn to reinterpret the feeling into something else. I should listen to myself here.
I once had a terrible toothache - I suspect it was really a sinus infection but it behaved like an abscess. Painkillers were no help. Pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. So I told my body I'd got the message thanks and then meditated on the pain. It stopped feeling "painful" although I still felt it if that makes any sense - and I fell asleep. Perhaps your misery is telling you something too. And heroin is not the correct answer because the misery keeps coming back right? You need to search for the right answer. I know you don't have a lot of respect for Maple Syrup but working with her for the right answer might be the only way to go. You may have to meet them halfway - try some things you know won't work just to prove it to them - so they will take you seriously as well. As long as you stonewall them, they'll see you as a shifty uncooperative druggie that doesn't really want to get well. Take all the help you can get. All the best.
I will be rooting for you Gleds, I really hope you succeed. :)
JEANNIE: Maple Syrup annoys me because she treats me like I'm 15 not a 37 yr old man... Having said that I partially want to get clean just to get her off my back. And to drop the happy-happy act I put on and she seems entirely taken in by. I want to tell her only a fool would give up heroin and here I am ~ a complete and utter fool. So your work is done, Maple ~ thankyouverymuch!
AKELAMALU: ;->...
PS JEANNIE: You know what you said about separating from pain that's still there... that's, incidentally, how opiate painkillers work. Not that I want any opiates anymore ever again ...
note to self:
on ddr from zdf television:
http://www.zdf.de/ZDFde/inhalt/3/0,1872,7894947,00.html
Baby steps Gleds, you just made a huge one. Keep trying, keep going out without a razoo in your pocket. Thinking of you.
Hello Gleds ~~ Congrats on one day clean. Try very hard, it should get easier if you stick to it.. So many
of us are wishing you well, so try for us as well as yourself.Only have to take one day at a time. Saying a prayer for you my friend.
I am glad you liked the joke about the confessional. Take great care Gleds. Cheers and Hugs, Merle.
Baino: I don't think I'll be carrying a "razoo" 'cause I ain't got a clue what on earth one is ... thanks for the best wishes tho!
Merle: {;->...
I hope your struggle gets easier.
Gleds, I hope that you succeed. I really do.
Good luck, Gleddy. I believe you can do it. I believe in you.
Love,
SB
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