YET AGAIN: what's new?In recent times I have shied away from detailing my drugs use in blow-by-blow type accounts. Or for that matter my endless resolutions to quit ~ and then the inevitable "lapses". They seem to exasperate y'all too much.
In the past I only managed to stop for a few days at a time and I only achieved that by either spending all my money, or keeping it in a post office that closes at 5:30 pm ~ and I don't have a cashcard.
But that method of "quitting" if you want to call it that ~ can only ever score me a few days off.
Because as surely as night follows day Monday morning comes round again. And then the itch to use becomes all-consuming. And heroin always feels better after a few days off, even if I have held myself on a heavy dose of methadone in-between. Despite what the doctors seem to say ~ and I can only speak for myself ~ methadone simply does not sate the old receptor sites anything like as effectively as heroin. Even at doses over 100mg a day. I think if the drugs services and medical profession sincerely wanted to crack heroin addiction (and I'm not convinced they truly do ~ a lot of them are content merely to turn up and get paid...) then they want to look away from methadone-methadone-methadone. Opiate addiction can in theory be treated with any of the scores of opiates and opioids licensed to relieve pain. Having said that I do feel "OK" on methadone. Just nowhere near as OK as on heroin.
Heroin ~ heroin. A hard nasty drug. I can barely believe I'm writing this.
This morning I was perusing the Oxford University prospectus; this afternoon I took home a "10B" ~ that is, a fifth of a gram, a £10 bag of brown heroin ~ and then spent a good two hours unconscious in a chair. (That's what heroin does to me these days ~ either pretty much nothing, or else I'm knocked out cold ...)
I'm not willing to wait however many years until some miracle treatment makes quitting as easy as a goodly part of my would like it to be. Quitting is always possible if you want it sincerely enough. If you are determined enough. In decades past many people came off cold turkey. It was the only way out available to them.I tried "'clucking' it out" ~ I did eight days clean, nearly lost my mind (I was acting very out of character ~ and in my parents' house). I'd never willingly do that again ...
But methadone is there for me. I'm already on a script. I'm lucky.
What's that saying? Nothing that's truly worth achieving has ever been easy~? Something like that. I would title the German translation of my still (possibly) forthcoming addict memoirs Mein Kampf ~ which means My Fight ~ for surely giving up hard drugs can only be a fight and a big fight at that ~ even with methadone... if only that title hadn't long ago been appropriated by a certain Herr Hitler ..(!)So: tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I pick up more methadone from my friendly pharmacist. Tomorrow I try again.
Illustrated: the evil killer B ("B" means brown heroin); syringe selection (I dread to think what kind of druggie would use the 60ml one to the far left ~ I could fit £20 of drugs into 1ml ...); Oxford Uni logo; "Bridge of Sighs", Hertford College, Oxford; a fight ~ not of the kind I'm destined for ...
Gleds, I think that you said it best here. If you want something bad enough you'll do it. The Big Book of AA says the same thing--basically, if a person is willing to go to any lengths for sobriety then there is a good chance for sobriety.
ReplyDeleteWhen the desire to be clean consumes you more than the heroin itself, you will be clean. That kind of desire doesn't come easy. We all have wants... desires. I've had things I wanted, but the desire never consumed me. The wants faded. Now I feel as if I am a leaf floating on a stream with no ability to fight the current unless the wind blows hard enough my way. How do you feel Gledwood? What do you really want? Are you like me? Like the leaf on the stream waiting for the wind to blow your way? I'm thinking I better learn to swim or I should just be content to let the stream take me where it will. In my case going with the stream may well be the right choice. In your case, I'm not so certain. I would wish you luck, but that is like waiting for the wind to blow your way. Good luck anyway Gledwood. Win your battle.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure it matters that anyone else gets exasperated. You are the one who has to suffer through it. If you weren't strong enough to resist heroin in the first place, it's going to take a lot of support for you to ditch the habit now. It's great that you can get methadone to help but obviously, it isn't enough on its own. It's really too bad you and your worker aren't connecting. What about the 12 step groups? Are they available? Do they help others? Have you tried them? It's clear you want to quit but you haven't found what you need yet.I hope you can get the strength up to try again soon. I'm sure your body appreciates even just a few days break here and there. I think it's a good sign that you enjoy eating so your body stays as healthy as possible. You certainly are far from hopeless.
ReplyDeleteSyd: yes that's absolutely true. The NA Big Book ("Basic Text" says that too - that if you want sobriety bad enough you'd cut off your right arm for it ...)
ReplyDeleteMolson: o God I don't know ..!!
Jeannie: I would go and have gone to NA loads of times. But they have this antimethadone thing. Maybe I won't even tell them I'm still on it. I'll lie and say I'm clean. I hate lying but maybe I'll try it. Then maybe I'll get accepted for once ... (maybe)..
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Hey Gled. Every time I click on the link to get here- I wonder if drugs or some drug-related misadventure has claimed your life. When I see the latest entry, I'm relieved that you're still with us but saddened to know that on your current path it's only a matter of time until you slip beneath the waves.
ReplyDeleteYou're a likeable fellow, there's a spark, a joie de vivre that shines through and I really hope that the spark gets a chance to flourish. Get clean, buddy. You have too much to offer to the world to end up squandering it with H.
LIke I've said before baby steps. Try to expand the time between uses until perhaps you'll just not bother one of these days. What's the longest you've gone without?
ReplyDeleteA day at a time, Gleds. Thinking of you. x
ReplyDelete