While I would be the last person to say I wasn't psycho any more, I don't feel like I did. I thought "normal" would be boring and would rather have gone back up high. Wherever it was I went. Left, right, which direction I don't know. Not straight up. Not down. I did go down. Right down. Felt like I was paying for the worst crime, but I didn't even know what it was. All I could see, when I closed my eyes, was a black shroud closing against me. With film of the most vile things going in the background.I curled into a ball and tried to Heal.
That is all I could do. So I am hoping that was it. Up. Down. Left. Right. Over. Not out. I hope.
The clinic are getting me a dr's appointment. How grandiose I must have been, to use a psych-sounding word, to imagine I could ring up and get one that same day!
You can do that, but you're basically asking directly for admission to hospital and I don't want to go there.
So I am still at home.
I have got myself in a position now where I absolutely have to take it easy. If I don't, I might really set myself off on one.
E.g. someone tried to give some friendly advice. I probably took it the wrong way and went way over the top. Yelling. Crying. The whole shebang. The local shop where I get alcohol basically, however many times a day (they know how much I drink because it's normally the same shop and single cans. They're open 24 hours, so no stocking up for me. What I buy, I drink, quickly.
And I don't want to be an alcoholic, so I suppose I have to watch that one too.
... the local shop now think I'm a nutter as well as a junkie alcoholic. O thanks a lot.
I am still off the nasty heroin.
Normally a text message offering the "best dark" (ie brown heroin) would have sent me right there. After quizzing the dealer closely that it actually WAS the best. All the ones who knew me knew one thing that pissed me right off was crap B, which is why I ended up testing it for people. Which is hard to get out of, when it's free. That's what that two free samples was about. The phone was going on and on, basically the man wanting marks out of ten on each but I was so out of it basically I lost both. And didn't care. As I said, I had got to the point of Losing Interest in heroin.
Which I cannot explain. Except to say (and I disagree with NA here, because I never saw all drugs as the same and nothing could replace my heroin. I would never in a million years take e.g. methadone and valium and say it had in any way compensated for No Heroin. Nothing ever came close to Heroin. It was all I was interested in. I relied on it to sleep, to get up, to eat, to do anything, to deal with anything. An extra bodily function, and an expensive one at that.
I am not on Valium by the way, that's just hypothetical. I'm only on methadone and a bit of drink. (Yes, still drinking away!)
The drugs I have given up: ecstasy, cannabis, lsd, mushrooms, ketamine, speed, crack and coke etc etc ~ none of these ever tempt me. Crack came closest, because it is used on the same scene as, and comes from the same dealers as heroin. But those others, I wouldn't even know where to get them now and though I bang on about ecstasy if you gave me a couple of good pills now and a ticket for a new year's eve party, I can assure you I would still have the pills and ticket intact on the date. And I probably wouldn't go. No temptation.
So if heroin has gone in one of those boxes, neatly lined up with other drugs' names on, I'm not too worried. Speed, for example: never in a million years. Cocaine powder: didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I actually found it an uncontrollable high, harder than crack to deal with and I didn't like the way it climbed and climbed after not seeming to work for ages. I'm talking half an hour of line-sniffing ages. Then BANG! UP!!!! No thanks. Acid: no. etc etc etc. I won't bang on and on.
I'm really wary of ever saying Past Heroin For Good because I know other people have so much trouble, just as I did when I was on on on on on it. Bigtime. So if I'm sounding all smug and prissy to someone out there, take it from me: 10 years lost to a needle, as head over heels addicted as it is humanly possible to be, no question. Even the other junkies told me I had it bad.
Whatever happened over the last few days? That must qualify as my most lost weekend ever. Certainly it got lost without drugs... how can that be possible even?
My memories are like photos scattered all over the floor. Absolute whirl. If it had got any worse I genuinely would not have known what I was doing. As it was, I didn't know what was going on part?/or all? of the time. I've gone well past desperately seeking labels and in a way don't want one. Being able to cope. Properly. Would be nice.
Better leave it there. Thanks for the messages. I cannot be blogging or internetting all the time; I don't wanna go off on one again. So I might not be able to see anyone or answer any email till tomorrow earliest.
OK laters
1604: sorry to add a negative ps still not ok. why do i keep kidding myself i'm fine, i'm not
basic truth. not ok. if that sounds like someone being genuinely crap, just look at how out of it i was over the weekend and ask yourself whether you could make it the entire length of a street with people spitting and swearing at you without causing some serious trouble?
all i could do was convince myself that it was NOT REAL, therefore, if anybody did actually slag me off on the street, i honestly haven't a clue. because i do not know what was or was not real and i still don't feel ok. i feel fragile as an ice sculpture. hence the crap illustration
Take care. I'm glad that you are okay.
ReplyDelete:-)
ReplyDeleteif you're setting those two e's aside and don't want them you can send them my way!
ReplyDeletereally though, completely on the same page when you talk about addicts. have felt myself addicted to various things over the years (now alcohol) and its true once an addict always an addict. the vice might change but the craving remains.
finally, what is the weed/hash like in london? in belfast sometimes its good and sometimes you cant get nothing but shit, and sometimes you cant get nothing at all!
Weed/hash? i can only speak about stuff i've found on the street (v good at finding things on streets, me. Always picking up rubbish, too).... nobody seems to bother with hash, it's all grass. Skunk/northern lights style. Strong. Not for me!
ReplyDeleteOnce an addict always an addict..? I'll have to watch that one. I cannot claim not to have been an addict. If I am not an addict, the Pope must be Buddhist!!
I am trying to think of anyone who would have 2 pills and a new years ticket... all people I have lost touch with who probably gave it up years ago!!!
glad you are okay if still a little fragile - have you managed to sleep yet?
ReplyDeleteYou sound better than you did but this still sounds very scary to me Gleds. :(
ReplyDeleteYeah but i don't feel ok, i was supposed to walk 5 mins to a shop to pay a bill and couldn't do it earlier, crap huh?
ReplyDeleteAll the ridiculous stuff has gone but I feel down and v injured. I'm really not looking forward to explailning this to a psych dr. ~ appt thurs
thanks for your comments, it was v helpful to hear from someone who knew about mental stuff.
I knew what was going on was probably "mental". i really cannot think of a drug that could be directly responsible. except obviously i've taken loads then taken none and a rebound happens.
weird, because "knowing" some of it "wasn't true" didn't stop any of it happening.
ps only drug i could think of was antidepressants in heroin, because that's the only drug that has caused anything similar, nowhere near as bad though. ANTIDEPRESSANTS prozac and esp. MIRTAZAPINE ~ ridiculous!!
i'm v tired, gotta run :-)
Hi Gled's,
ReplyDeleteGlad to see your back in form.Got a bit concerned yesterdy when i only seen what you had posted.I've been a follower of yourself for the last 2 wks and it's one of the highlights of my day just now.
Taking my Suboxone these days is certainly not a highlight of my day.
Have you or any of your followers any experience of Subo tabs?they certainly keep the monkey hidden in the trees,but a more bitter pill i have yet to taste.
Like yourself i have fond memories of taking E back in the day.If only i had the anxiety/depression and for me in the later years a bit of psychosis to worry about.These days it's the dreaded RATTLE !!!
Happy to be depressed????
am i mad?????
No.
Thats you that is....lol....only kiddin
I've read some of your past blogs regarding N/A.Do you have many meetings near you?
i don't,gotta travel 46 miles there n back.It's the only place i can talk about my addiction.i get the honesty,openmindness part....it's the willingness part i fail at.
I like the Australian woman who blogs you.I never know if the figures(£££ or $$$),weights(Oz's or Kilos)situations she talks about are true or not.I guess they cant be true but in my fantasising mind i'd like them to be true.
Don't want to prattle on,just a wee note to let you know i'm thinking about you.
from Caeser up in Scotland
Take care
You know what i mean.anything but have a rattle to deal with...aarrgghh !!!!
Hang in there Gledwood.
ReplyDeleteGled,
ReplyDeleteThe doctor will most likely suggest antidepressants. Surely not ALL antidepressants can make you go coo coo bananas? What if you are BI Polar and have been using H all these years to keep your moods even? Opiates when used on a daily basis I large amounts can stabilize your moods. Mood stabilizers are different than antidepressants, so they may not cause you such mental struggles.
Ask for a sleeping aid that doesn't have antidepressants in it. Get some Valium. Not to abuse but to use as needed.
My heart sank today with all the criticism of my book. I'm to narcissistic and neurotiC for such critiques and constructive criticism. The only thing I'm glad about is getting the Methadone info right.
This suboxone weening off so I can take some weak Percocets is really sstarting to suck. I'm starting to feel dope sick. Yuck!
Okay I took up enough space. XXX
AKELAMALU: sorry that reply (seems to have) got missed. I was being rude as usual!! I've got a drs appt tomorrow, Thurs. Have to go, it's only responsible thing left. things got that bad, i'm totally backed into a corner by this. Providing on Methadone heroin currently out window. This far FAR more to deal with. I'm OK and coping. Sometimes it comes v near to not, but I am coping in a v basic way and v little more if the truth be told
ReplyDelete%-)
CAESAR: that Valerie, she's a fucking mad one! Yeah as far as she knows, what she says is true. How mixed up/bad memory/drugged she is, is nobodys guess. I'm not sure Australia could use 20kg China White in a year. UK with 60m population and 300,000 heroin addicts/regular users (nice way of saying addict with heroin, hey!)
3.5g a day you could easily get to if had regular supply. I've never been that high. Don't want to talk boring figures but am capable of big-to-shocking end of heroin spectrum, which only made me more miserable.
JAMS: that's about all I'm doing!! But am doing it. Most of the time.
ANNA G: those fuckers can fuck off. I don't know if anyone was being deliberately cruel but it is a bit silly to say "didn't sneak up and grab me"/whatever person said when the piece obviously starts at the middle-to-end of something.
Last shrinker I saw was not into drugs for me of any kind. But that was before all this. Worst ever, to be blunt. I still don't know what it's called. One nurse who did a long interview thought Bipolar. I don't know what anyone thought. To be truthful, they were probably waiting for this to happen (and then maybe happen again ~ how crazy do they want to see me!!). they were probably waiting for it to happen because it's Symptoms Without Heroin and it's a way bigger version of stuff that seems to have happened before anyhow.
Mood stabilizers are a mystery. Aside from carbamazepine which I'm not sure why I was on. I am 99% sure it adverse reacted badly bringing up horrible rash that would freak me out if already in hospital so wouldn't want to go there.
Bipolar and using H to keep moods even. Well every time I have tried to stop I have had a high or low or mixed up thing. Even switching to Subutex made me high if only for a couple of days and mildly. Enough to feel like dancing though. Coming off altogether was like a "mixed state" or in druggie language, having a bad one one speed all week, yet still speeding all day every day until came down but into 6 week depression, that even heroin couldn't block. And my tolerance was way lower then. That was 8 or 9 years ago. If not 10 years ago.
Valium/sleepers would come in bigtime handy. Frankly I was appalled on one occasion and felt intensely patronized for dr to suggest basically that zopiclone were "drugs of abuse" that a deadhead addict like me could only possibly abuse. I would love to spend the night not sleeping in this drs company as the dr tried to sleep. And then the dr tell me that I didn't need sleeping pills!!
I got to the stage long ago of not sleeping at all when I didn't sleep. Initially all night, now for days on end. I think last one was only 2 days. Most was 4. this one keeps going up, down, picking up again, down again. No idea what's going on so avoiding thinking about how I feel altogether because I feel so mixed up that's all I or anyone needs to know ;-)
Hope I haven't left something important out. Bet I have...
CAESAR: well that was a half arsed comment. Sorry. V poor attention span these days. UK: 60m people, 300,000 heroin addicts, uses 30-35 tonnes a year. Australia has 20m population ie a third so with the same prevelence of heroin use would use 10tonnes a year, though she does give that figure separately.
ReplyDeleteAs far as sums of money go, she has shit loads. Never posted this, but she was supposed to have about $45m US salted away as $4.5m in secret 10 bank accounts.
BTW her husband Bruce was going to pop up until I fell down (basically) and was going to be a bar/brothel/gambling/drug-house owner. Who invests the Heroin profits in these "legal" establishments scattered across vast tracts of Australia and other countries. Swears like a truckdriver, just like his wife. Looks more like one, though (no enormous perm).
Hi Gledwood,
ReplyDeleteIt seems like the worst is over for you, either that or it's wishful thinking on my part.
Anyway, I always wish you the very best.
j.
Hi Gleds I'm glad you've been able to get some sleep but have you been able to get to see a doctor? you'll need their help getting through this.
ReplyDelete