THE PSYCH DOCTOR APPTOINTMENT has been done. I think I got out of hospital by a narrow margin. He asked me if I wanted to go in. I said I had a toothbrush on me, nothing else was fixed, ready. Windows could have been wide open for all I knew or cared.Well I rabbitted on. Feeling anxious and then trying to cure the anxiety by pacing might not have helped. He asked is this me? I hope that question didn't get me too confused. I said yeah. Then asked who I was meant to be then (after room being barged into by script-wielding worker). Then tried not to get real upset about a certain person I know who supposedly hits the drs for a schiz sign-off when he's actually well. 'Because then there's me saddled with all this shit not being listened to, when I intermittently tried to be, not knowing what's going on or what to do.
I am supposed to "take care" of myself. I don't think this dr was being as half-arsed as that might sound. He seems real cautious and intelligent even as shrinks go. And wisse. And I trust him, even as shrinks go. The other main one there I do not trust. Mind Game Playing is the absolute last thing I need.
No diagnosis. He did mention the all time pits NASTY WORD 8888888 fill in the stars with more letters.
Everything is doing my head in. I have to change clinics. Same staff. Old clinic. He says he thinks I am not myself. He also said he thought I'd been real helpful.
That's all I can do is, 1. try and explain; 2. leave matter in professionals' hands; 3. try not to think about. Forget worry. Even think.
No antithinking pills were offered. No pills. Did ask about ones I'd had complete with names. Antipsychotics. Marvellous. Gotta run. Got to close eyes. Go to bed. Something.
Are you seeing him again?
ReplyDeleteYes, but it's arranged through Worker. Not sure how but it gets done. Worker has to get me appointment in different building but same Worker. Then an appointment comes through to see doc doc again. Probably takes a month, unless I go dingbats AGAIN. Drug withdrawal seems to provoke this the most, even though I wasn't withdrawing I was switching to just methadone. I hadn't been using huge heroin on top for ages and ages, the heroin had been crap. lately it got better but had something weird in it that made people "lose their memory". Nobody reported anything like what happened to me (going cuckoo, hallucinating, paranoia, mood swings etc + I wasn't on substance ii, whatever it's called, long enough for it to be "withdrawal" from that)
ReplyDeletebasically re drugs the prescription is take none. I said I wanted my urine tested (really to see that I'm not being spiked, though I didn't say that, make me sound even worse!!) he said they will test every single time now. I said good as there won't be any heroin in there (ie it should say just "methadone" ~ nothing else). I have no problem with that. Am not, have not craved heroin apart from in tiny flashes. Gear is crap, even when it's "good" it's crapposhyte.
Erm... did I cover everything? I hope I did. Took this approach with dr. Only one I know how to now. Open mouth: spew. No editing. Truth only.
No second guessing reason for questions/etc.
No giving appearance believed sought. No tellling what they wanna hear, though in shrink appointment this is impossible as there's no such agenda. There is an agenda to say you're so clean and doing os well in a methadone clinic. I only got sucked into this when I was with Bitch Worker Maple Syrup. Who made everything so much worse.
I hope I've covered everything.
I'm suppoed to stop all drugs and drink. I said frankly I'm already down to ordinary people (non addict) drinking levels. E.g. leaving half can on tv at midnight, finishing that half at midday. That is NOT an alcoholic.
He said stop all drink if you can.
It means drink can't take the blame, basically. In a way I'd rather be called drunk than schiz, but it's got so far along a horrible path I might as well go to the bitter end
I'm glad you feel comfortable with this Dr and didn't hold back - a month seems a long time between appointments, do you get any support from the methadone clinic?
ReplyDeleteHey ya Gledwood,
ReplyDeleteHow crazy would it make you if they diagnosed you as 'sane'? haha
I find humour works as badly as anything else and so why not?
You know, that you're writing and daily and expressing whats going on is a good sign that you're not quite loosing your mind yet. Even if it's hard to write. Even if you feel it makes no sense and is a struggle, you're still doing it. I think you'll be fine.
Thoughts, Shane.
heroinhead:
ReplyDelete...thats the lamest joke I ever heard..!
...He'd have to be crazy to laugh at that!!
XXxx
Hi Gleds,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got done with your appointment.
I think the comment of Memoirs of a Heroin Head couldn't be more precise.
If you're writing you can't be too way out there.
All the blessings in the world to you as you go through it all.
Night,
j.
Excellent blog.
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Aww Gleds. Just read the last three posts, I'm sorry my internet has been horrible and I haven't been able to catch up. You know, psychotic episode or not, this is good for you. You sound crazy but in a good way. Please keep seeing this guy he doesn't sound to judgemental and try to keep drinking within certain times (not during the day). I'm rooting for you babe really. This could be what you need. Keep venting on the blog, whether you like it or not, you have people who care about you here and it's good to vent. Really hoping this leads somewhere positive for you. Hey, did you shower?
ReplyDeleteok I'll start last first.
ReplyDeleteBaino: I had such trouble getting to the dr I just had to LEAVE I snatched a toothbrush. I had to bu a new travel card which is called Oyster it means you put money on and touch in on a bus without crapping about change. I was clean in that I cleaned myself up the day before and went launderette. It was incredibly difficult. Might not sound it, but it was. Had to be helped with money everything. Of course this probably made me look stoned. I haven't touched drugs in over a week. The thought of going near heroin makes me want to kill myself more than I want to take heroin. I would rather be dead than using heroin. that's how I feel about that crap.
Silk Taffeta: reading helps me concentrate, so dies writing. My head spins and spills all over the place past what I know I probably should be saying but it's v hard to know where I am meant to go but thanks for the thoughts
Lady A: o no, so what if I appreciated the joke but didn't laugh? Am I sane or insane now!!!
Is that the comment or somehwere else? I'm scrolling but thanks for the one you left.
Shane: I wish writing could keep me sane; I think it does a bit. I find writing a lot easier than doing things that might sound ridiculously easy but just aren't. Going in a shop. Using a mobile phone. Using anything not a blog (email). I don't even know why that is but it is. I would like to say I was "tired". Haha!
One of the things Valerie wrote while I was nuts seems to me really offensive, going on about bitches all the time. Ironic, but captured in there is some of the ridiculousness, probably better than me. I tried to keep stuff nonedited. More for me than for anybody else. I hoped it might capture something you cannot photograph, cannot express in any way except by telling someone about it. Or them being there, seeing you basically go cuckoo.
I got a totally different reaction from a shrink in a room than a Worker on a phone. Harder to pretend normality. I did a few stupid things I wish I hadn't e.g. moving my hands up then not being able to take them down. Then realizing that's what nutters do. Then making myself take them down. I told him I am too tired to think about my own, someone else's or worse still a 3rd person's thoughts about me or anything else. I have had to be v careful not to offend knowing I am spouting crap half the time, it's v tiring, I am bored of myself
Bimbimbie: I see the Worker next week. If I am mental I spose I get a drs appointment quicker.
I think I've really shot myself in the foot by telling them I hear voices. There are about a million things schizophrenics can experience and do that "may" mean someone's schizophrenic, but hearing voices makes it ultra-easily diagnosable. + I went and told him what they said. I feel really dire about this now. I was reallly tired and still "disinhibited" and I tried just to be truthful, not realizing I was giving it all away.
Now I have to try and be normal within a few montsh at least or it basically means I am a mental case. The last thing I am ever going to do is read some crap about schizophrenia or psychotic online when that is what happened. It will probably say something scary and set me off and I am trying to be Calm
Taffeta: I was not talking about death> I was talking about reading calming me down "so DOES writing". duRRRRR
ReplyDeleteHi analuha here boyfriend dealing with drought thing by sleeping through all day every day, so good to feel alongside others wide eyed and craving really enjoyed your blogs. For the medically declared insane you speak a lot of sense man. Will read on through long loely hours on 10 mls but got hot sweats.
ReplyDelete