1729 hours precisely. And it and I am both calm at the same time.
I was goinggoingoingoingoing going GOING! until just ONE single minute ago. Now I feel calm, like ADHD on speed, like a kid on speedweed peed haha.
Yeah man I know I know I still GO-GO.
I've got to go outside. I don't want to. But it's not safe here, somebody is going to take me away because I phoned someone. NO! Not the police. Not an ambulance. No no no. I'm staying here until I break into so many smithereens I'm not left to retrieve how long will that be ja think?? I don't know go go go. Go outside. I have to go outside.
I'm off. It's not safe in here. Somebody will take me away. I'm losing everything anyway. Might as well ************** ************** ************ [I had to delete something i cant say everything i think or you'll think the worst] it wasn't suicide i was talking about it was something else
am i really so inconsiderate? I try to be considerate at a good rate 8.
o man man manananana
i keep losing money losing thingsi have lost itititi it lost it.
i have lost it
i can concentrate but it is so very hard it's easier to imagine i'm dictating very slowly then i can put down every word in one bit piece
in one bit
there is nothing wrong with me
i feel absolutely clear headed
and clear
and shiny
and OK.
And NOT stoned, as ... I'm not.
this is so confusing, but i have to go outside because it's not safe i'm leaving the lights on
do you think that happened so intense because of half a cup of coffee? I suddenly dropped 2 stages low in one second and felt it, then i went higher without knowing it, then i decided to get in touch to find out my appointment time but i don't trust them at all
so i have to go outside. anyway before now when i can at least think english even with difficulty i lost it so much i was just thinking noise then i tried to speak french in my head and got voulez vous coucher avec moi and je prendrai l'eurostar a paris i don't know why my head really went went ent broke up very upupupupupUP UP UP i don't feel up i feel sideways i have to calm down and stay up how do you do that?
somebody made me laugh, saying "prostitute" i thought that is a good one
only sensible person in a brothel is the one leaving with more money they came in with in my book
and keeping their clothes ON. you can do that by owning a brothel. or doing whiplash come to think of it i knew people into that its for bored middleaged losers sorry but ... well that was them, this is now. she was going to be a domino
a pizza
with leeza
pleasa please pretty pretty please pleas
i have to go whhy am i posting myself when i dont' exist i dont geddit im losing everything anywaynothing is important to me that is self reliance rely on nothing and no-one that is how you do it
cant rely on myself i cant even keep money keys self in same place i'm going out and hiding i don't trustustustusut i don't trust anyone these days
i don't care any more who gives a shit about what i put itittttt itt itt itt itt tit tittt titter bitter litter embitter embalm calm CALM see you can find peace eventually. unless it's just peas spelt wrong. y'see?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqMKU3dQpZg&NR=1
ReplyDeletecracking track this (listen to it all)-made me think of you -i was listening to it in the car on a new cd someone had downloaded for me illegally,basically its trippy as fuck and all over the place and there is a voice saying 'what the hell are you on they keep asking' which made me think of your comment about everyone thinking you have taken something when you haven't
- enjoy mate
best wishes lizzy :)
p.s best at full volume or through headphones
You don't sound OK Gleds, I'm seriously worried about you. :(
ReplyDeleteThanks Lizzie
ReplyDeleteAkelamalu if I really am not OK i promise I will go hospital before I do anything stupid you know i'm not stupid you know me i'm still me just a bit cuckoo
don't worry too much i'm not asking anyone to worry about me i'm just being me
so what you see is what you seee
ok this will never end i think you get the point
i'm not as hyper as i was before and it's 9:10pm and i've taken the sleeping pill already
i think u sound fine. a lot better the moon has peaked and all is calm. even the schizo robo! wahat was he doing? i am real shocked. yes they have the odd squabble whre they both stand up and try 2 shout at each other. but never any further no bald patches, no bites, no warning. they had plenty space/food/wheels/ seperate rooms in case they wanted 2 be alone,yet the slept all huddled up together, so so sweet and then that. i have racked my already half recked brain(s) as 2 y? and looked on many sites but all i can think is; when i bought the 2 "males" that had the babies,maybe the parents were from the same litter which apparently can cause problems. but theres problems and problems! i really cant get me head round it. me and kids had his funeral, so sad. i held it together 4 kids but wen i put him in coffin one of his ears was sticking right up. so sad. i cant just go on and on about it, but its flummoxed me proper. and i hope thats the end of it. reginald who was last seen cleaning blood off his hands has been v subdued. i think he shocked hiself. like he just went mad and now he sat worrying and hoping thats the last time he does that. its bad yes its defo bad. i need 2 try and clear my head of it a bit, cus its sort of stuck there distracting me. poor jack with his stiff ear ah
ReplyDeleteBuggalugz: I know this is hardly the same, but the NA Basic Text, when I was trying to read it earlier said to me as I turned the page (thinking of something) "Shut up!" and I went BOOOF! and got rid of that. You can sock negative stuff away. No need to let it run round and round. And best of all that works. I'm sorry about the hamsters though. I say hamsters plural because it's the living we should feel sorry for, not the dead, y'know...!
ReplyDeleteLizzie: thanks for that tune, I'm saving it for tomorrow when all is a bit clearer. Zoppicloned out and very mellow. 2 or 3 hours later. So will I sleep...? I don't know. I'll try
Lizzie:
Lizzie I don't know why you came up twice this is a few days later. I wasn't trying to play a stupid game. I just do things like that. Same as I find toothpaste down the side of my seat. It has to do with doing or intending to do and then not doing it. But it does look like being stupid I know. I'm trying to look rational, looking stupid doesn't help me. I need to be taken seriously... what do I need to do? Put myself together nicely. That's what I need to do.
ReplyDeleteThat record is amazing.... "what the hell are you on.... is what they keep asking...." WOW!!