I'M ON DRUGS AGAIN! The Doctor's Risperidone stuff. It knocked me right out. I don't like the feeling of being brought down. I was very peeved (to put it nicely) last night. I watched something to do with baying furry huskies in the arctic. They remind me of Japanese or American akitas (American ones came over after the defeat of Japan in World War II, they're generally bigger and furrier and come in patterns the Japanese wouldn't consider "right"). Akita dogs seem to have a fairly reserved temperament. They don't run up to people they don't know, though one once did to me and stared into me, very intense, not aggressive, just looking at me. She had beautiful fur. She used to go walkies in my Dealer Park.Anyway I was TRYING to keep relevant and on topic.
I woke up after 8 hours sleep at the very shortest. It was probably closer to 9. 10-6, though the last bit was me awake going uuuuuuuuuh?!? zonked out of my head on this antipsychotic stuff.
My head was going quick. I know the sign. Waking up with loud very fast music going round my brain is NOT what used to happen. Also the strange sense that my head is echoing outside itself (that is I can hear the echoes) even when that happened before it didn't happen within 5 mins of waking up.I learned about symptoms from a self-help guide re depression. It says the first to come on are usually the last to go, which is why I put them down, even though I'm not depressed. I hoped I wasn't going there last night I was in a pretty bad mood. Anyway before I go in a complete loop that's all there is...
... and this in italics happened when one sentence was struck down:~
Lizzy is talking to me on the other screen on Gabbly. I think she is rushing about between bits of toast, hairbrushes and coffee. Lizzy would never smoke cigarettes. She is a nurse... Now (10 mins later) she's gone to work.oh yeah and "turning into pure energy" (yesterday) was a feeling more than an idea (not a delusion!) (methinks he doth protest too much, ha ha!)
Illustrated: American akitas (can you see why I was slightly nervous when one ran directly up to me in a park, you wouldn't want to mess with one); snake biting its tail, how I tend to go ~ in circles ~ no I don't think I'm a pair of gold earrings; "pure energy" google brought this up, not what I was looking for but it looks nice
MOZART: REQUIEM; LACRIMOSA - CLASSICAL
ok far as i know, lacrimosa is the decent part of mozart's requiem and lacrimosa means sadness or sad. crying sad not utterly pathetic. mozart is a lot of things, pathetic is not one of them!
MOZART: REQUIEM TRANCED UP
with pictures
MOZART: REQUIEM TRANCED UP
faster and bassier than the old version
good.
ReplyDeletei just wrote few lines and deleted.
i spose i dont know what 2 say.
i just done it again (wrote/deleted)
cud go on forever
i come back later
y am i writing a comment atall?
because a horse on hampergirls tv just said;
"nothing good comes easy"
straight from the horses mouth!
y do we say that?
i feel like my brain(s) has/have
been swapped ofr wet cooton woll
(that was not intentional)
in the night.
b back later
hope today is good.
x
thanks
ReplyDeleteare you ok?
depressed?
i can't tell just by reading it what mood you were in (i'm not trying to be personal: what I mean is, I cannot tell on the internet what we'd both know about each other from just being in the same room, nothing more personal than that)
nothing good comes easy, that's right
sometimes it comes very difficult
other times it comes by total chance but would be near-impossible to do deliberately, if not impossible
winning the lottery would be a good one
take care and don't think too much in cotton wool i prefer candy floss, you can eat that, but it's sticky
cotton wool ~ oh yeah! you can clean ya ears out with cotton wool i used to love doing that
hope i haven't totally lost you in pointless points!!
i hate being on this medication shit
it's not like antidepressants for depression where you just take yourself out of it
this is me not being me any more, it's horrible
antidepressants either do NOTHING to me or WORK PROPERLY ie full on not at ALL depressed (no "taking the edge off crap, they proper work when they do) or they make me HIGH
like i said the only effect i don't relate to re antidepressants is the half-arsed one i've heard people talk about in drug clinics, with me they work or they don't or they make me go off like a firework!
not sure i'll be getting those again in a hurry, not considering how extreme i got within 2 or 3 days of depressed, and that wasn't even on meds or drugs or anything bar a bit of drink, a bit of coffee!
don't let those robos be naughty!
:-)
yes i gatherd that u din't like the meds and it wasn't u anymore.
ReplyDeletei try wen got time 2 read other comments & responses to draw a better picture.
most seem pleased/releived etc that u on those meds and that u sounding more"normal"
but i not so sure
thats y i dint know what 2 say.
and still dont cus it not 4 me 2 say.
do these meds "care for your soul"?
or even help u to do that
i dont know. im pretty confused myself.
yes keep that other foot well clear of the floor!
conjured up a great vision.
u gripping tightly on kitchen worktop with left hand
and left foot on floor.(twitching ever so slightly cus it wants to join in)
right leg raving wildly,
to the beat within,
right hand manically weilding that knife again!
o well it made me smile.
not sure if i depressed.
am on anti-depressants (4 mnths)
which is about how long they take apparently 2 kick in
(he cant have thought i was desperate)
since mon was very hyped up.
cleared out/cleaned up loads.
laughed more than usual
spoke more than usual.
but so tired by evening fell asleep last 3 nites and 4 got 2 take them
this might explain "hangover" that i have?
i did consider NA but long way 2 travel for me + kids to deal with
mum said "whats the point? u would have 2 talk 2 people and u dont do that"
but i can/will talk/relate 2 "nutters" junkies etc
think u said there is one on-line i must look into that.
went on anti- depressants yaers ago pre-gear and thought i was ok on them.
till i "ran away" with someone on a narrow boat (pre-kids)
he suggested i might not need them.
i stopped
i realised i had not been myself at all whilst on them (i.e. sociable, outgoing, bubbly etc etc)
thats was me on them.
all very well 4 fitting in but that
was not ME.
that frit me!
i explained this 2 doc this time which is y he gave me something subtle.
think i wight be waffling a bit
anyway 2 brill sdide effects of my mighty house clearance;
robos happy cus i found endless empty foil rolls and foil boxes.
their "tanks" look like cardboard re-cycling bins.
and a 5 x 2 ft built in wardrobe got emptied.
hamper girl thought it looked perfect territory 4 nest building.
so we each got our own nest now.
after almost 4 yrs.
we both slept better.
think i might have just come down a bit today.
or cud be missed pills
now i going in circles
i dont know. batteries r defo a bit flat today.
i know drugs worker would recommend a good walk as opposed to a bad one. but i cant be arsed.
also know what she would say 2 that!
maybe its not the drugs worker's voice i can hear. maybe its that of the horrible/sensible parent.
"don't want to!" sayeth the brat
o dear guess who's in charge.
really gotta go.
loving the tunes.
back in a bit
take care
x
Give the meds a chance eh Gleds? x
ReplyDeleteBuggalugz: parent and brat... I never knew I was 2 people till a while ago. I'm sure everyone is.
ReplyDeleteone foot on the floor? i will be floating naturally so i won't need to bother
Sorry if I haven't asnwered every point my concentration today (Saturday) is fucked
I hope you're OK.
Lizzie: you just destroyed an image!!! How can you do that!!! I knew you did something mental I couldn't remember exactly what... why did I think you were a nurse? I got interviewed by someone doing your job in the hospital. He knew all the stuff, and so do you and I thought of him as a nurse, so maybe that's the confusion... Who Knows?!!!
Those tunes have to wait till 2morrow, the broadband won't let me!
Akelamalu: yeah I will I had no idea what to expect. They've only ever given them in tiny doses for sleep and/or anxiety that was nearly 20 years ago!
sorry to destroy the image i hate people thinking i am a straight head
ReplyDelete:)
does that mean you think less of me?
when did I say I thought you were straight??!?
ReplyDeleteI was only saying I thought you had a job and were in a hurry!
What we must have done is read 2 completely different images from the same words. Of course my image came first, but I read it when I read my own words, you read something different...
I never did think you were a straight head! Knowing what you probably mean absolutely not.
The only kind of straight that is good is not being a drug addict!
:)
ReplyDelete