Anything with twisting, turning or unexpected content had me rapidly lost. I got taken to the clinic by my druggie worker for being so out of it I couldn't follow him. Within half an hour I was repea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea pea peating words urds urds that didn't belongongongongongongongongongongongongong together and causing havoc in the waiting room where I couldn't help noticing three other people at the opposite pole. I did try and be considerate. I went exploring through double doors and ended up in a private room making abstract musical noises because that's what I was thinking.
I've not gone to NA. NA will have to wait. Sitting in a room full of poeple who believe I'm on drugs when I PROVED IT THIS AFTERNOON WITH A URINE SCREEN. Nothing but methadone. And benzos I don't remember taking.
I did keep wondering whether E and LSD were in my system, because this card didn't test for them. And acid, with it's quarter of a milligram blow-your-head-off speciality always used to be hard to test for.
The best thing to happen, bar causing havoc and breaking into an empty office and pretending to fly on a swivel chair was staring into a blank wall and watching the most amazing movie unfold in silvery-blue and psychedelic rainbow colours. The view behind my eyes was amazing. The lights in the psychiatric car park are particularly good. I think somebody deliberately added purple, green and yellow tinges to various ones just for manic people. Yes I was talking extremelyfast and according to my interviewer constantly derailing topic. I thought I was speaking quite reasonably. I also thought I was totally rational and normal until I got so euphoric I just could not stop cackling my head off.
The doctor seemed to think viewing "hallucinatory" voices as free entertainment was healthy not pervy. As I demanded to know. I expressed a lot of things LOUDLY AND VEHEMENTLY!!!!
But I'm home now. I mentioned not wanting to be sectioned only about 228,375,496 million times.
Akh I've got to go beddybyes now. I noticed myself coming down during the interview as when I first indulged in some ingingingiinginginginging I could not stop stop op op op op op for quite a few seconds sponge. among ung ung ung ung ung ung!! Then I could do it but not stop it (with the dr.) now I can't even utter syllables that first. I didn't stop moving nearly the entrie time I was there and noticed they gave up on getting me to sit during the interview. I was too hyper.
It was thinking in musical noises and clangangangangangs that bothered me, even as I came out of that most intense phase. I know I visibly frightened one horribly self-indulgent shouting and crying girl in the waiting room and frankly consider her so selfish and self-centred (I heard her endless display of phone-calling) and frankly I don't care. Better be frightening than abused. Especially in a psych clinic. That's what I think.
If I had gone in I'd have made sure to get wrestled to the floor and needle-stabbed. Don't think that would have been too hard, the state I wsa in. I was more hyperkinetic (not necessarily more high) than any maniac I've seen admitted. But I only remember two. And one was clearly exhausted.
By the way the theme of METHADONE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP MY MENTAL HEALTH BY SHOVING MOOD SWINGS OF BOTH POLES INTO THE OPEN repeatedly rose its head.
I don't think I was being questioned re schizophrenia. I can't remember what I'm to do as far too fractured attention span. They didn't think it at all unusual that I can write but not read online. Yeah I can read snatches, but ask me the gist of an entire post and I'm lost or speaking about something else entirely before I ever reach your end point.
Today it was my cling-clang over musicality that got me I felt like such a nutter while I was doing some of it. Felt nothing but the vibe at other times. Realized staff had just floated past me without my noticing (rather disconcertingly) at others... My head's still a bit all over the place.
Well I hope I get FAR MORE EUPHORIC and a little less hyper.
No sleep since I don't know when. Not since yesterday late morning if I remember right. If you're obsessive enough and wish to know: you check.
Interestingly despite my hyperactivity and hilarious mood i was markedly less paranoid then yesterday. And the voices were less intense. And far less intense than early December when as I said I couldn't tell the difference between thinking and hearing. I remember that. And being rather confused by it. I have been and still am confused by a lot of things.
I'm not raising the spectre of severe mental illness in an Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Really am not up for being misunderstood (by people who assume you can only get high on drugs) and/or judged by rooms full of people, no matter how well meaning.
Hope y'all are OK. :-)
I really should try and get some sleep. It's supposed to make you less manic. And probably more depressed. I expect. So I'm scared of sleeping, but need to do it.
I'm wondering why they didn't give you something to relax.
ReplyDeleteI remember during my in-patient, the doc said "You may see things or hear things that aren't there."
I was having delusions left & right.
Off Xanax, I didn't sleep for 3 weeks.
I sat on the carpet looking at nothing,out the window, wishing I'd be outta there soon.But really, really sad..nobody ever walked by on the side walk. I felt trapped inside The Twilight Zone.
I felt abandoned by my former life as I was really in a zombified state and unable to help myself.
It takes time..like a hangover. Time heals all wounds.
recovery..takes time,
feel better asap. ok?
j.
It's obvious that you're keen to who you are, don't let labels deter you you.
ReplyDeleteYou've made tremendous progress.
Take it easy. You'll be fine.
hope this dont sound wrong, but reckon it would be a whole load easier 4 u if u were a bit less intelligent. all this self analysis when your battered, deprived ( sleep,food,brain rest,comfort etc) self aint in no state to be analized cus its not itself at the min.its just undergone a major amputation. if its physical we dont expect so much of ourselves cus we can c how bad it is. giving us something 2 measure it by. with a 12" wound still gaping between the stitches u know its gonna take time so u slow down,convalesce, let it heal. just looked up and caught the last line of message above saying "time heals all wounds" how bizarre, or maybe not? pre gear my doctors notes were huge pile of mental health reports, referals etc. re; anxiety. depression, panic, paranoia and phobias ( all of which they or i had tried to cure, deal with or live with). during ten year heroin use not one visit 2 dr. more stable than ever been in my life. it shocked me.comfortably numb. ok so it also numbs, well lessens the intensity, of some other stuff which might be better felt full on but i reckon for me its worth it. pros & cons & all that milarky.bledy hell i do go on. i dont suppose "leave your comment" means . . . hold on i think i read earlier that u(as in him, gledwood, not u cus u wont be reading it) can only write on this and not read so i need not worry about waffling on.i dont even know what comment i was intending to leave only once when i got really ill; pleurisy and pneumonia in last month of pregnancy. and thats as near as i ever got to thinking i lost the plot.lots of clangings and oingings echoed round my head and i felt totally detatched. people were talking normal to me and i thought "cant they c?" get the running water thing- lots to be heard in there. apparently it was a mental manifestation of my physical illness plus de-hydration. lack of sleep, food, gear, i dont know. i know i sat on the floor too long and my cocyx is gonna kill when i take the pressure off it. night night x
ReplyDeleteSo was it the LSD? It sure sounds like a rough time. Hope that you are able to get some rest. I am wondering how much more of this you can really take.
ReplyDeleteSounds typically like a manic episode, probably exacerbated by the drugs. Not pleasant. What is it with this month there are people breaking down all over the shop!
ReplyDeleteThis post is a wonderful look into the spinning in your head. It really mimics the feeling. I think it is really great.
ReplyDeletei really think you have some sort of depression with manic symptoms. I had the same sort of thing a couple of yrs ago. My advice is to obvs listen to the psychs but don't worry too much about finding a label for how you're feeling. I know you go into it thinking you just wanna know what it is, thats human nature. but they will try to stick you with everything, and it will fuck you sideways. they had me doped up for 2 fucking years on shit that no way should have been in my body. then they sent me to psychology and started insuating that someone had abused me when i was younger. now that would be bad to the sanest person but to someone who has already tried suicide, its disgusting. Just focus on the symptoms. Try and get regular sleep even if it makes you depressed, they're your TRUE symptoms and YOU need to understand what they are without altering mood with sleep deprivation. If YOU don't know what your true ymptoms are, THEY will plant a load of hit in your head that not there to try and pigeon hole you. although they can help, don't get me wrong. Its when they can't label you with something they lose their shit trying to.
ReplyDeleteI've always had depression but i went through a few years with manic too, but now I just get epression again, none of the other weir shit.
and just to add "bugerlugs63" is soo right. In situations like you're in intelligence is enemy number 2 haha even though you may not be analytical of yourself, i think your brain sees it as a problem and your natural intelligence will try and solve it. I was exactly the same. I just wanted to know sooo bad what was wrong with me. especially when the rapists started spouting out their shite. the shitty thing is you have to fight yourself to get better. most people don't understand what people with mental health probs go through. Its the hardest thing ever, EVER. and for those that think they know, everyone copes and experiences it differently.
ReplyDeletei give myself 2 mins else i wont shut up. i think and hope u may have had a sound and not depression inducing sleep. when i felt i unable to do laundry, cleaning etc. but knew deep down i had 2 (3 kids relying on me) i tried 2 imagine i was doing it 4 someone even more fuct up than me(well spose in a way i was. not that my kids r fuct up(surprisingly) but they r less able 2 do these things)and only looked at one thing at a time. whole picture was way scarey. just one wash.or just cook one meal.wsometimes i pretended i was an alien( which took no imagination at all)and i had 2 try and do a shop or a laundry trip or whatever, without anyone noticing anyway i not advising as everyone does cope differently. surely carrot nose does not want 2 b alone though. my 2 mins r way gone. so am i x
ReplyDelete