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I THOUGHT I WAS running out of energy, having spent most of the night awake, then pinging down the chemist for my methadone, then going home, then having a black coffee for energy (physically tired), then another coffee, then having the most fun cleaning I've ever had in my life. Then feeling physically like I was on speed. Then feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.
Physically exhausted, I put myself to bed, saying "you are ill, and you are mentally ill, lie down, this will pass" ~ so I slept the expected two hours till it sounded like Loose Women or Doctors was on (different channels; couldn't have been both) ... I put the covers over me like a tent and slept some more, aching all over and genuinely feeling ill. Then I got up feeling so hungry I was sick. I seem to have lost a stone in weight: or the scales I found on the street were inaccurate. I've no idea. [One stone is 14 lbs or about 6.5kg.]
This evening I did some irritating little things I had to. Then shopping. Morrisons supermarket. Tex Mex pizza. Best ever. The self service till was like a robot at a hardcore rave. Please please scan (an) the next itemplease scan WAIT FOR AN ASSISTANT!!) lots of fun. And that pizza is amazing. I only had chips (which are Iceland American style curly fries (do they actually have curly fries in America? These are lovely). Then Holby City (hospital drama) came on. I missed EastEnders.
I'm scanning the radio for decent pirate stuff. The drum and bass they're playing sounds a good 17 years old! Proper Ragga Jungle. That's what I'm looking for.Drink is down to 2 cans at 7.5% ABV ie 1 litre. It's up to 85p a can! Will this torment never cease??!! Nah, don't wanna be a drinker all my life. The alcohol is GOING!
Now I have to not drink coffee, which I appear to be hypersensitive to. I mean this was full on speeding on TWO cups normal one heaped teaspoon. Coffee has never been quite that strong before. I mean, this was physical, hence the anxiety. The highest hyper highs I have had have been totally out of sync with any coffee drinking. E.g. the Mental Hospital Day ~ hadn't had a cup for five hours. Had only had one or possibly two. Don't need caffeine. Nicotine has to go as well. Cigarettes are a terrible poison. Why should I be dependent on outside drugs to poison myself.
Now I have to finish what I barely started that is clearing crap I don't know what is relevant or not. No I'm not allowed a flamethrower, which would make clearing up far easier. Yeah yeah highly irresponsible I know so it's boring old chucking out. Let me indulge a fantasy once or twice. So now the hunt is on for Proper "Old Skool" as they call it to make me feel ancient (ie hardcore rave 1991, 1992) or Ragga Jungle (probably won't find that) or ancient sounding but probably modern rapid drum & bass with an overgrown schoolboy running out of rhymes on top.
Traaaaaaaa!!!! How are y'all. See I'm not irritably ranting tonight. Clean clean clean and cleaner. Clean me clean up. Live a clean life. Clean and Serene. That's me goal ;-)21:29 London Radio: Eh, the Greek stuff ain't bad...
01:22 hrs Love FM Live .com (lovefmlive.com) good garage after midnight
hi
ReplyDeletesame here today, heaps of clearing stuff.
i dont think there can be ote else 2 chuck out.
i feel better 4 it. ache like a bastard. but gotta do it.
because i want 2 do it
not cus stropster teenage son says so.
he told me i am a scumbag! proper told me
scumbag! a clean scumbag.
it stook in my head all day
asked other son (11) what he thought?
"i think u weird mum and misunderstood"
then he came back from wilkos at t time with a mirror 4 my belated b day. not sure what that about.
ok maybe my routine got side swiped with all that rattling and lack of sleep, food and motivation
and it hurt 2 de tangle hair. it still does.
had 2 priotise..
but . . scumbag?
thats harsh.
painfully honest sometimes
but i still think that was below the belt.
nice bit of guitar picking nr end of holby.
thats the only time i looked up.
i hope u get the help that u feel u need tomorrow.
it was my attempt at humour when i said "have i missed somut?"
spropy just offered me; melt in middle choc pud and ice cream.
think he feeling sorry 4 this sad old scumbag! what a chuckle
all the best for tomoz x
thanks
ReplyDeletethe landlord comes round which is why i'm cleaning up
but the dr comes first
and i felt shitty enough that the landlord can just do one
if i'm not allowed to be housed and ill and my issues cause conflict i have a right to get them sorted properly. it's no crime to be sick, nobody has ever told me they thought i was faking (I DEMANDED TO KNOW re this issue saying probably more than twice BUT NOBODY LISTENED TO ME THEY ALL THOUGHT I WAS A LIAR
ie i told the truth
pure unvarnished truth
thanks for the good wishes I will need them im not in a positive frame of mind about later on it's 0114 hrs and i'm determined to get at least another couple hours sleep
hope all is well by you and don't let them get to you that's what teenage kids are meant to do innit..?
they will calm down
we both need some calm
take it easy
i'll speak to you later
love fm live dot com
lovefmlive.com ~ that's what i hear
probably you can get it online
the garage after midnight is fantastic
hey gleds, i hear you on the coffee front! i have been in and out of treatment for years for the same things as you, weird how similar the things are actually. i was in therapy for years, they couldn't (or didn'/t want to tell me) an exact diagnosis. i just gleemed that it was some sort of disorder and depression with bi polar tendencies...but not bi polar hahaha madness. needless to say i fucked the psych docs off once i had gone as far as i could with them. they helped me alot but couldn't cure me ha. your symptoms and mine are very similar. coffee sends me on one too, its great, cheapest high i ever had.
ReplyDeletedon't be scared/nervous about the anti psychs, they will put you on that for a month then probs add another med on top of it. it won't make you depressed, it just levels you out to "normal", whatever that is, right?! be patient though and question question question the psychiatrist, cos they'll just try and give you a med for every little thing, they don't get that we've suffered with it all our lives and can cope with the little symptoms, its just the "cuckoo" we want rid of haha that and the suicide. I quite enjoy my ocd and ability to be emotionally detached, its been there since i was a kid, its part of me. I also enjoy the MILD mania "now get me a coffee bitch!" hahaha
Hi Gled,
ReplyDeleteThis post sounds very coherent. Your making sense again. I guess your body didn't know what to do without the drugs mucking up the works.
Congrats on going clean. I'm very proud of you.
Janice~
Hey, you sound great. I understand all of this. I drink decaf now. The high octane stuff made my heart palpate. The cleaning is going well. I like your goal of clean and serene.
ReplyDeleteHey, Gad to hear it,good for you:)
ReplyDelete