17:12 I FEEL really really upset. Somewhere sometime I have done totally the wrong thing and now I'm paying for it. I don't know what to do except a whole load of nots. Not drinking being a big one.
The rest of it is stuff that I don't want to face. I don't want to do anything at all. I'm totally sick and tired and I have had enough.
22:03 I went abysmally low this evening I really felt bad. i went out to get money from someone who owed me £20. my old best dealer had just come back on. my first reaction after being told at the end of my road was to ring straight away. then i thought hang on a sec you don't need that.even if the gear had been ok which i doubt it would only have set me back and i'd have to go through all the same stuff. i was lucky enough to be crazed through the first 14 days which is supposed to be the worst even if it is just methadone switchover.
Still, I went out and got a £20 I was owed, the person wanted to pay in 3 days time but I said no I need it now. So I had the option to use and declined the option.
A pervert tried to pick me up on the way home. This did nothing to help my frame of mind.
The gist of what went through my head was repeated aloud a couple of minutes later. I was hearing myself, someone was repeating me, whatever I wasn't really listening. I went home and stood outside my house but didn't want to go in. So I walked round and round the block, not wanting to be anywhere. It started to rain, I didn't want to go inside.
I went to the Mongolian Chinese takeaway, finally it was open. Somebody else was standing there I couldn't face another person so I handed over my cash and went outside in the rain on the pretence of smoking. Rather get wet than be near another person. Sorry: simple truth.
I still can't eat because I feel sick. Chicken curry mix vegetable fried rice is my favourite meal it's half left at ten to midnight I can't handle it.
I had 3 drinks. Drink number 3 made me feel a bit better. I got another just now it's going in the fridge.
How I'm going to give up the only crutch I have left I cannot envisage. No I don't feel powerless over drink. What I see is a future where the one thing that holds me together goes and I fracture up. Imagine you took a chisel to your own reflection and smashed the mirror so none of you connected any more? That's how I feel when I crack up. I feel ill now. Better than before; still ill. I'm going to bed I've had it with today.
3:30am still awake. It occurred to me a couple of hours ago that come 4am I'll have been awake 24 hours, that this isn't normal. I tried to sleep. Not in mood for it. Appetite terrible, did force entire Chinese takeaway down throat over course of 5 hours. Usually I'd eat half, then eat the other half a couple of hours later.
I'm back on the black coffee.
Yeah earlier on I went into real depression only for a few hours, I don't really feel too "well" now. Yeah it could have been a bad mood. A bad mood where you hear echo-thoughts, are too low to go in your own house and would rather walk aimlessly in the rain than be inside even though you've fallen out with nobody, are avoiding nobody who's there. The reason I wasn't at home was that I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere so I walked on and on and round and round and up and down the road. I could not engage with myself with anyone else with food with sleep. I am engaging with ITV Nightscreen purely for the music. And coffee and cigarettes. And that's it.
I'm going as long as possible on no sleep at all. See if I can break my 4-day zero hours record.So there's self indulgent post number infinity+1.
Did anybody out there know Trisch Li personally? Trisch Li as featured in "phone calls to Jen" videos posted over last few days....? Please get in touch.
I'm posting this without reading back, not in mood.
Here's how you do a chart that shows how you feel. Mine was too simple. Dur.
06:30 Uuuuuuuuh. I don't really wanna go more than 4 days without sleep, but what do you do when you can't? I'm gonna bed now. At last. Ignore the rave videos unless euphoric recall is appropriate (got that expression from NA, doncha love it?!)
LIQUID: SWEET HARMONY
I don't know if the vid looks as terrible on yours as on mine. Like heavy psychedelic without ya contact lenses in:~
PRODIGY: EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE
I remember this being played at 6am on white label in a barn in Thetford forest, Norfolk, tripping on Domes/snowball Es.... wooo
Hi Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you are still having so many ups and down in your life and hope you can cope with it all,until you feel better.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments about the floods in Queensland - they have been horrendous and are still in a hell of a mess. The waters have flowed south to New South Wales and Victoria but not as bad. I had heard about the awful floods in Brazil that killed more than 500 people. How bad is that and so many loved ones lost. Also in Sri
Lanka. The world's weather is just
diabolical at present.
Take care my friend,Regards, Merle
I don't know if you know Gattina, but she's not religious and she said her friend who's also not religious says it's the end of the world, which is weird, someone I know, who's also not religious said exactly the same thing...
ReplyDeleteAs long as you are still able to write there is hope !!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was depressed I wasn't able to do ANYTHING, but laying in my bed like a vegetable only vegetables are not laying in beds.
BTW I know Merle !
ReplyDeleteOh you're such a bollixy boy. I thought you were winding up the blog. Coffee before sleep NO. Small amounts of alcohol ok put ice in to dilulte. Makes you feel like you're having a whopper but not really.
ReplyDeleteOh hits? Yeh I get a bout an 80% bounce rate but i don't care about hits. Just those who comment. Have a hot shower and a nice cup of chamomile tea before bed. Guaraneed ZZZZZ. Go to bed you smackhead.
Hey Gled, hope you're feeling better. There's a life without drugs- a good life. You can find amazing beauty in the world without chemicals...
ReplyDeleteAnyway... will be back on overseas in about 2 years- hope you're still here so that I can meet you then and buy you a meal.
cheers buddy.
How was that meeting you were going to, you remember NA? The meeting? The thing you could do instead of all the other can'ts, won'ts and shoulda's in your head. You aren't able to stick to a simple decision by yourself anyway, so what have you to lose?
ReplyDelete“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”
~Shel Silverstein~
The one who did, went to NA and said yes to what they were doing instead of sitting doing nothing or the same ole' things. Which was a load of crap really, since they couldn't keep themselves to a single decision or get any peace without the help of a much greater community. Even the druggies need the community of drug dealers and druggies to stay alive in the power of the drug.
Nothing happens in a vacuum, so instead of depending on the community that's killing you and really couldn't give a shit if you don't have something to pay or give them try to depend on one that will save your life and help everything you've gone through and every shit experience you've had to become useful, all of it crap can turn to gold if.... if...
you become the one who DID walk to the NA meeting and say, Ok, what do you need me to do next?
:)
Jess: sorry your comment didn't load until the screen was already up so i missed you... na is tonight i know one i can get to in 20 mins tops at 7pm
ReplyDeleteyeah a few things i've heard at na re junkies just do not register with my way of thining one was "the myth of self-reliance/independence" or some such bullshit language as if by being an addict you're somehow NOT totally dependent on your dealer and that chain from whatever source country to you, that if you're committing crime you don't utterly rely on most people being honest or crime just would not pay, not even shoplifting. nearly all forms of money making used by addicts rely on normal people with jobs to give money or pay for something knocked off or pay for sex youre utterly dependent on all this, you depend on the govt state benefits, you depend on a trust fund and/or your family or an allowance from rich parents you have to arselick (not my situation but knew people from uni in this boat) you know all that not to mention relying on chemicals for your basic wellbeing are the very opposite of INdependence they are DEPENDENCY fucking hell how can anybody not get that one???!!!
the v best meeting is a nuttery club i go to once a week when xmas isn't in the way it's way better than any aa or na for one thing people actually understand what you meant if you only could say how you actually are which you can't at na because to them "insanity" means living a totally disorganized fucked up life to me it means being in total pieces that tallk but not to each other and whoever talks in my head isn't me any more
yeah you hear about crack breakdowns but that is paranoia more than anything else paranoia is just the start of madness
i'm still going but i do feel that i'm putting myself in a box too small at na and that aa is even smaller as the drinking i've done is in no way as bad as the worst there, they all pissed and shat their beds every single one at one meeting with 6 or 7 people i've never pissed myself even let alone shat myself. i've pissed down my clothes so i had to use the loo like a girl every time for years i gave up peeing standing up it was too much hassle trying not to piss all over myself so yeah i know i belong there i don't see it as a complete therapy, no single place will be of course it won't i need to find as many as possible
there's a cocaine anonymous id like to go to just to hear people doing coke how i never did it
i wish there was heroin anonymous but that's what narcotics means it means opiates despite american erroneous nomenclature labelling cocaine narcotic it's NOT
so i'm off i'd really like just for one fucking time one other person to want to come with me. i only got that one to happen once but the best thing at na is i meet people i even shared houses with people i knew from outside... that NEVER hapened for more than 8 years. na and the rest of my drug life were in 2 separate bubbles, now at least they intermingle which is good i'd rather be at na than a street corner waiting on some cunt who will spend my money on his grasping whore you know
I like the book you can get (here) at AA.
ReplyDeleteOne young lady I met at AA was only coming to meet guys and then she'd see you on the street and holler "Will you be at tonight's AA meeting?"
She was thrown out because she always forgot to respect the privacy of it. After she was expelled, there wasn't much fun there.
I know the purpose of going isn't for entertainment, but she added something to it.
Plus she never drank a drop and so her answers were funny, cause she made them all up.
Rambling again, gotta go....
j.
Oh for crying out loud that's ridiculous. Who did that offend? The person shouted at? That's one thing. Somebody else? Not their issue
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that my comments are not inflammatory or nagging on about your welfare. But I still hope that things will turn around for you.
ReplyDeleteNo. You mean the... I mentioned stuff like that twice "timewasters" meant people who were being totally irresponsible. If they said stuff like that to a friend of mine I would hit them, re me I don't care don't care it's gone
ReplyDeleteno nothing at all to do with you
did i actually use the word nagging? that isn't what i meant
the only 2 things that have bothered me are talk about my mental health by people who cannot know, though they're trying to be reassuring it sometimes feels like being written off yet again when the dr who saw me was visibly shocked, and comments by real idiots, which I haven't had in quite a while and i don't count a certain anonymous i started out arguing with and then ended up conversing with i mean really really stupid people whose stuff couldn't go up it was so offensive