Now I have it I feel I never need it again. It's all inside me but I feel no diferent to how I've felt a million times before WITHOUT gear. So I don't need gear, don't want gear. I refuse to lie about when I take gear. Can't be doing with making myself sound all clean when I'm not. So I have to be direct.And I told NA I was bipolar which is of course only half the truth as I'm bipolar+; but I told as much as I was willing to share with a group of people I don't really know. I felt nervous enough to feel my voice go quavery. Which is better than ROARING as I have before. So hard to strike a balance. I told them I reckoned they deserved an explanation. I know more people at this group than any other it is just one bus ride away, rather than 2, or a train as so very many others are, so I call them my home group.
It's really pathetic to use heroin. Why do I do it? I have no excuses. I don't need excuses. I only got diagnosed because I had gone beyond the point of desperation. Then I went beyond that going ga-ga-ga at the top of my voice in the kitchen. (No wonder the neighbours give me a wide berth.)
I don't care what anyone thinks. Well not THAT much. (Wouldn't put it online for any person in the entire world with internet to access if I did.) But this is why I can't face interviews. Someone asked me if I would do an interview but the timing came just after I'd gone potty and couldn't keep my head together so I gave no answer. In fact my email is so randomizedly badly answered I'm sure I've offended loads of people.
Please don't be offended if you sent me email and I didn't get back to you. I find it hard enough to keep a blog going, attention wise. So email on top is difficult.
If you email and don't get an answer back, please comment. Or comment saying you emailed and direct me to the date you sent it and I'll find it and get back to you.
Does American grass really cost $300 an oz? I'm watching American beauty.
Hey American beauty is quite good. I like the 42 year old Kevin Spacey plays.
I have to go now. DON'T TAKE HEROIN GLEDWOOD. EVER AGAIN.
AMERICAN BEAUTY (KEVIN SPACEY): AMERICAN WOMAN
i love this: it's what stoned on spliff looks like
AMERICAN BEAUTY (ANNETTE BENNING): DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE
i love this: this is what good-mood manic looks like
when my dad died (he was a manic depressive alcoholic rip) my sister and i went into cambridge town and got American Beauty from HMV. it gave her some comfort, we aren't religious, but we always thought that when we die, like in the film, you just have a bunch of thoughts flashing and you are none the wiser to it being the end, you just switch off.
ReplyDeletei know how you feel. so many times i didnt even care for heroin but i purchased it anyway and when i took it wanted to punch mmyself because i didnt feel any different.
DONT beat yourself up too much, just chalk it up as another reason why you dont want to use it. remember how shit it was, and how you could have spent it on dvds, or yummy pizzas from iceland ;) :)
Doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results is insanity.
ReplyDeleteAmerican Beauty is a great film, I would say one of Kevin's best roles.
ReplyDeleteEvery day is a new one Gledwood. I hope that somewhere down the line you can find a catalyst important enough to dig yourself out of your addiction....
Godspeed good man.
I'm so sorry to hear you're back on that crap. :(
ReplyDeleteGleds,
ReplyDeleteI love you for your honesty. American Beauty is one great film.
SB
Naomi: did you know the genetics for bipolar are said to be similar if not partially the same as those for addiction? I once read something really interesting on that, years ago, they described it as a spectrum where you got anorexia and gambling as well as drugs, depression and mania (any or all of) like this lovely rainbow of horrors
ReplyDeleteSyd: an addict is a chemicalized fool in that case for foolishness is not learning from your mistakes. Then again I HAVE had what I wanted from heroin, loads of times, its just not an infallible way even of getting high any more
Elaine: thanks. I nearly used it today. I just didn't, even though I was miserable (don't know why)
Akelamalu: it is crap and that's why I'm not back on it, though I did take it (if you know what I mean)...
SB: thanks ;-)
GLEDWOOD.... don't take HEROIN !!
ReplyDeleteHi norfolk mel here. Wel in v cross as have bin tryin to post for daze an all vanished like my cash lol. So stil got nice smoke but so dear eighty squid a day for me an hubb! Btw, jus so ya knowti own my house, have yo gorge kids and aint touched pin or w since birth of my first. So now we jus soon a teeny instead. Also luckily we'r financially secure thanks to daddy th doc lol:) naomi c it was u i'm sure who i came across on fb readin ben's story. I too lived in camb and net most of camb's finest dealers wen i queued each morn for th dreaded green shite. Wel i'm gonna march down to parliament naked cos i feel that we shud not haf to put up wit meth or in my case phy pills. Matt yorks how can i get in touch wit governme minister? I'v bin on gear for twenty yrs and am nearly thirty five happily married an two beautiful kids veree lucky i know gled u rock. I know all too much about perils of mental fragility an stupid doctors talkin rubbish. Stay warm safe an wel luv mel
ReplyDelete